Social Anxiety

Symptoms of social anxiety include:

• Worry about being judged negatively or humiliated
• Intense fear of interacting with strangers
• Avoidance of social events, talking to people, or doing things out of fear of embarrassment
• Self-criticism after social situations

First of all, know that shyness, introversion and preferring a smaller circle of friends are not signs of social anxiety. Some nervousness in social situations is completely normal, and a little anxiety can even help teens steer clear of unsafe situations. But if anxiety is preventing your teen from enjoying their social life or doing things they want to do, it’s time to tackle it. If they avoid every anxiety-provoking situation, they\’ll miss opportunities to learn social skills and build confidence, fulfilling their fears of embarrassment.

To overcome social anxiety, help your teen gradually expand their comfort zone to include more interaction with others. Encourage them to order for themselves at restaurants and ask for assistance when shopping. If they’re open to help, work together to pick a social goal – like joining a club or making a new friend – and plan baby-steps they can take towards meeting it. Help them create a simple ritual for when their anxiety is triggered– like taking three deep breaths and silently saying “I’ve got this” before going into a new or potentially anxiety-provoking situation. Let them know that a little discomfort is a sign of growth and it’s good to lean into it– and that it’s ok to take their time. Praise them each time they challenge themselves and whenever you see them acting with more confidence.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism and anxiety are closely linked in teens, especially in high achievers. Some of the signs to watch for include:

• Fear of taking risks and trying new things
• Procrastination and being anxiously indecisive
• Constant self-criticism and frustration about mistakes
• Being overly concerned about the opinions of others

Again, a little anxiety can motivate teens to work hard and do their best. But if your teen’s sense of self-worth is based on what they do and not who they are, they need help to calm their fears of failure.

Lots of anxious teens say they feel pressure from parents to be perfect, so even if you think it’s obvious, remind your teen that their worth and your love for them have nothing to do with their achievements. Help them get more comfortable taking risks and trying things they’re not already good at. Perfectionist teens often have trouble setting boundaries and taking time for self-care. Help them get organized and assess which activities are the most important and rewarding so they can put those things first. Teach them how to recognize the emotional and physical signs of stress – like getting frustrated or struggling with sleep – and know those signs mean it’s time to take a break. Perfectionist teens also get big benefits from anxiety-reducing exercise, creative hobbies, and time in nature or with friends.

Test Anxiety

Teens with test anxiety experience some or all of the following when preparing for or taking a test:

• Sweating, shaking, racing heartbeat, feeling faint
• Mind going blank
• Negative thoughts about past poor performances or future failure
• Self-judgment and criticism, feeling inadequate

A little nervousness before an exam is normal and can motivate teens to study and be well-prepared. But too much test anxiety causes smart, capable teens to suffer and even struggle academically.

To help your teen, talk through their sources of stress. Is the material challenging? Is it their lack of preparation or disorganization? Or is the pressure of test-taking too intense? A lot of teen test anxiety can be reduced with good study skills and prioritized  preparation. Help teens schedule study time well in advance and break it down into smaller, spaced-out chunks– no cramming the night before the test! Work with them to figure out which study methods work best for their learning style. Encourage them to open up to their teacher or school counselor, too. Just saying “I’m studying hard but I’m dealing with test anxiety– do you have any suggestions?” can release the pressure teens feel and prompt teachers to offer support. A calming fidget or worry stone in their pocket helps ease anxiety. And stress-reducing mindfulness techniques– like box breathing and progressive muscle relaxation– empower teens to relax their bodies and minds, feel more in control, and face their fears.

• Avoid taking risks, trying new things, or doing anything they’re not already good at
• Procrastinate, avoid schoolwork, or are anxiously indecisive
• Fixate on flawlessness, whether in their appearance, schoolwork, or performance
• Start over repeatedly and often express self-criticism and frustration
• Either blow up or shut down emotionally when they make a mistake
• Insist on retaking tests or practicing until their performance is flawless
• Over-emphasize the judgments of others and take criticism personally
• Base their sense of self-worth on what they do – their performance and achievements – rather than who they are

Most teens occasionally exhibit one or two of these behaviors, but a teen that consistently struggles with these tendencies may need some support in understanding and addressing their perfectionism. Teens At Higher Risk Any teen can fall into the trap of perfectionism, but research shows the following teens tend to be more perfectionistic than their peers: Girls Some research indicates that girls are more prone to perfectionism because they are socialized to be people pleasers. Pressure to be “good” and “nice” teaches girls to be more focused on the opinions of others. They may base their sense of self-worth on how kind, smart, or pretty they think they are perceived to be. Gifted Teens Teens who are academically, musically, or athletically gifted are often surrounded by a competitive culture in which their grades, scores, or performance are constantly evaluated. They may face pressure to succeed from parents, coaches, and teachers, leading them to place pressure on themselves. Gifted teens may have less experience with failure, making it harder for them to keep things in perspective. Teens With Perfectionist Parents Perfectionist traits are heritable, so Type A parents often notice their own perfectionism reflected in their children. Teens who see their parents holding themselves to unreachable standards learn that failure is not an option, even if their parents aren’t directly pressuring them to be perfect. How to Help Parents can help reshape their perfectionist teen’s unrealistic expectations with these four strategies:

1. Understand the cycle of perfectionism. Help your teen understand that unreachable standards cause their feelings of failure, not their inability to achieve those standards. According to Paras Ramani, MFTI of the Teen Therapy Center of Silicon Valley, perfectionist attitudes can trigger a harmful cycle that begins with teens setting unrealistic goals which then lead to failure in achieving impossible goals, reduced productivity, self-criticism and low self-esteem. Setting realistic goals can break this cycle.

2. Talk about risks and rewards. Perfectionist teens tend to limit themselves to activities that feel safe. Parents can help them reflect on opportunities by asking questions like, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” “What’s the best thing that could happen?” and “What would you like to get out of the experience even if it doesn’t go the way you planned?” Talking through their fears helps teens develop skills for mindfully assessing situations and recognizing the rewards in trying something new or different.

3. Identify their values. Thinking about what matters most can help teens break the cycle of perfectionism, clarify their goals, and set more individualized expectations. Growth only happens when we allow ourselves to make mistakes, and big benefits usually come only after we’ve taken on a challenge. The book Brave, Not Perfect by Girls Who Code founder Reshma Saujani is full of powerful reminders that courage matters more than perfection.

4. Find ways to embrace imperfection as a family. Perfectionist teens often appear calm and collected while internally experiencing paralyzing anxiety and self-doubt. Parents can help release some of the pressure by giving teens time to just be kids. One family we know hosts “bad art parties.” At these gatherings, everyone makes a piece of art and has to do something to mess it up when they find themselves trying to make it perfect. Perfectionist teens need practice relaxing their standards and making mistakes.

As Clinical Psychologist Tom Nehmy says, \”Life is never going to be perfect, and we don\’t want it to be – a perfect life would lack challenge, passion, richness and meaning.” Above all, keep reminding your teen that they have nothing to prove, and they are loved and valued just as they are. With your support, they can learn to let go of perfectionism and live a life that is big, brave, and perfectly imperfect.