Caregivers of tweens and teens need to know that connection can be cultivated. How? Start with these five simple strategies to strengthen relationships:

1. Remember, your teen wants to connect.

American families spend just 37 minutes of quality time together per day, according to a recent survey. Why so little? Busy schedules make it a real challenge to carve out quality time. But while parents often perceive that their teens have lost interest in spending time together, teens say parents are the ones who are too busy. Remember, even as teens seek greater independence and spend more time with friends, quality time with parents continues to be critical for their overall well-being. Teens want to connect with you even when they don’t say so, so go ahead and make the first move.

2. Be more present in the time you already spend together.

When it comes to connection, quality matters more than quantity. Quality time means being present: you’re not letting distractions, worries, or feelings of overwhelm intrude. You’re really there for each other, listening, sharing, having fun, or just being. Ask yourself how you might be more present during the time you and your teen already spend together. Do you drive them to school most mornings or eat dinner together a few nights a week? Consider declaring a phone-free zone, playing a conversation card game, or creating a family ritual to check in with each other. And be sure to ask your teen what would make it most meaningful for them.

3. Don’t leave connection up to chance.

When families see each other often, it’s easy to make time together a low priority or leave it entirely up to chance. But that means you’re hanging out when you’re stressed, tired and distracted. To foster deeper connection, make family time sacred and spend time together when everyone can be energized and engaged. Block off regular time in all your calendars and make a plan together. Create a few simple rituals, like cooking dinner one night a week or going for a hike once a month. Keep it simple with easy, everyday moments of connection, then mix it up by trying new things or planning an adventure once in a while. Teens benefit from regular routines and opportunities to get out of their comfort zone, so aim for a balance of both.

4. Support teens’ friendships with peers.

Connection with parents or caregivers is key, but it doesn’t replace the need for close, supportive peer friendships. Studies show that connection with peers decreases stress, increases teens’ sense of self-worth and protects their mental health well into early adulthood. Caregivers can help teens nurture these critical friendships with a little background support and structure. Teaching your teen to prioritize authenticity, getting to know their friends, and encouraging extracurricular activities are all ways you can help teens build a network of supportive connections. Read our post on nurturing teen friendships for more ideas.

5. Help them create their Crew.

Connection supports adolescent mental health, and healthy habits like connection are easier to build when tweens and teens have a support system. That’s why we designed Lucero to be a place where friends and families can radically support each other. Teens can invite up to seven “framily” members to join their Crew. Crew members cheer each other on, support each other on the hard days, and always apologize if their actions or words hurt someone’s feelings. With the support of their Crew, teens discover themselves, strengthen their relationships, and deepen their capacity to connect.

1. Know what SAD is… and isn’t.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, SAD is “characterized by persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others.”

Symptoms of social anxiety include:

• Worrying about being judged negatively or humiliated
• Intense fear of interacting with strangers
• Avoidance of social events or talking to people
• Self-evaluation and self-criticism during and after social situations
• Worrying for days or weeks before an event
• Sweating, trembling, blushing, and/or rapid heart beat in social situations
• Stomach aches, nausea, muscle tension or disrupted sleep

Social Anxiety Disorder is not the same as being introverted or shy or preferring a small group of friends. The key is to recognize when symptoms become unmanageable, stopping your teen from having a fulfilling social life or doing things they really want to do. When teens avoid every anxiety-provoking situation, they miss opportunities to learn social skills and build confidence, thus fulfilling their fears of embarrassment.

2. Let them know they’re not alone.

Teens with social anxiety feel overwhelmingly self-conscious and like they’re the only ones with a problem. Talking honestly about social anxiety helps them normalize their feelings, understand that everyone experiences some anxiety in social situations and create more self-acceptance and self-compassion. Talk with your teen about your own experiences and be willing to listen. And for more persistent problems, look for a therapist-led teen support group that targets social anxiety.

3. Teach them how to breathe. 

Researchers agree that one of the most effective strategies for managing anxiety is mindful breathing. A simple exercise that’s easy to teach teens is box breathing: exhaling to a count of four, pausing for a count of four, inhaling to a count of four, and holding air in the lungs for a count of four, then repeating. Teens can also visualize tracing the sides of a square box or a big balloon inflating and deflating as they breathe. This and other breathing techniques activate the parasympathetic nervous system and counteract the body’s stress response, which is responsible for shallow breathing, fast heartbeat and other physical signs of anxiety.

4. Help them uplevel their self-talk.

Teens with social anxiety may not even notice the steady stream of self-judgment and self-criticism they’re likely engaging in,for example, thoughts like, “You’re so stupid! Everybody is laughing at you! You’re going to screw up again!” But most social anxiety is accompanied and made worse by negative self-talk. You can help your teen become aware of the voice inside their head and realize that they can decide whether or not to believe the self-defeating thoughts. Teach your teen how to acknowledge their fears and counteract them with positive self-talk: “Yes, I’m really nervous right now, but I’ve been practicing and I know I’ve got this.” For more suggestions, see our post on Turning Negative Self-talk Into Confidence.

5. Support them in facing their fears at their own pace.

Perhaps the most heartbreaking aspect of social anxiety is that teens’ phantom fears have a very real impact by keeping them from being and doing all the great things they’re capable of. Most anxious teens are painfully aware that they’re missing out, but facing their fears all at once feels too overwhelming. Instead, help your teen set realistic social goals – like making a new friend or joining a club at school – based on what matters most to them. Then identify micro-goals they can accomplish step-by-step. Make sure they’re equipped with strategies for self-compassion, remind them that practice makes perfect, and celebrate their successes with them. With the right mix of acceptance and persistence, teens can tackle social anxiety and emerge as confident, capable young adults.

1. 1. Let them make mistakes. Knowing when to step back and (gulp!) let your teen fail is one of parenting’s hardest lessons. Sounds radical, but confident kids aren’t afraid to make mistakes. Teens need to practice solving their own problems and figuring out what to do when things don’t go their way. Getting comfortable with failure is a key component of a growth mindset and boosts self-confidence.
   2. Stay on call. Confident teens take responsibility for themselves, but they also know when to call for backup. The teenage brain is a work in progress, and a parent’s perspective helps them make sense of the struggles they encounter. Knowing there’s a safety net of unconditional love and support makes all the difference when teens step outside their comfort zones
   3. Strengthen their sense of belonging. Support from parents matters most, but teens need extended family, friends, mentors, and community, too. The more people who care about and are invested in your teen, the better. Different kinds of supportive relationships give teens multiple experiences of mattering to others, and that sense of belonging helps them feel confident.
   4. Help them learn new things. Gaining skills and knowledge boosts kids’ confidence, too. The teenage brain is wired for explosive growth, seeking novelty, challenges, and new experiences. Parents can help by providing diverse opportunities for learning and growth. Everything from educational apps to volunteering together to subject-specific summer camps can spark your teen’s curiosity and develop their confidence.
   5. Ask for their advice. Let your teen know that you respect them and value their opinion. When you’re facing a tough decision or solving a problem, talk to them about it and ask what they would do in your place. Teens are used to being on the receiving end of a lot of advice. Asking for their perspective validates their maturity and helps them feel confident stepping into a more grown-up role.
   6. Practice scary scenarios. Whether they’re facing a difficult conversation with a friend, a big speech at school, or some other event that tests their confidence, practice empowers teens to show up as the best version of themselves. You can offer to role-play the situation or talk through different possible responses or outcomes. Nothing builds confidence like having been there before.
   7. Take on challenges together. Confidence comes from achieving goals and learning how to handle setbacks and failure. Taking on challenges together as a family can empower teens to tackle their own individual aims. Run a 5K, build a treehouse, or download a self-care app together– any challenge works as long as everybody is equally invested in success.
   8. Watch for their sensitive spots. Teens are painfully aware that everything from their appearance to their abilities and achievements is under constant scrutiny from peers. Most teens are confident in some areas but not so much in others. Parents can help teens make sure these sensitive spots don’t override their overall confidence. Help them practice self-compassion, embrace their uniqueness, play up their skills and positive qualities, and surround themselves with people who love them just as they are.
   9. Protect against perfectionism. Perfectionism in teens is a big confidence-killer. High-achieving teens can get discouraged when their efforts fall short of their ideals, like the athlete driven by body dysmorphia or the honor roll student overwhelmed by anxiety because they’re not ranked top of their class. Help your teen value growth, learning, fun, and friendship over perfect scores, and remind them that their worth can’t be measured by numbers. Confident teens take pride in their achievements but don’t let those achievements define them.
   10. Model and praise courage. It’s been said that confidence is a feeling, while courage is a choice. We can’t always feel confident, but we can still choose to act with courage. When you let your teen see you being brave, you’re showing them how to face their fears, too. And when you praise their courageous acts, it validates them for taking the risk to grow. Confidence may not be necessary to act courageously, but courage always builds confidence.

In Self Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself, Neff says focusing on self-esteem can backfire because it means constant self-evaluation, and “we can’t always feel special and above average.” If teens get the message that they should always feel great about themselves, they may think they’re falling short and judge themselves even more harshly. Self-compassion means putting a stop to “judging and evaluating ourselves” altogether. Teens who practice self-compassion learn that when they’re having a hard time, they should treat themselves like they would treat a good friend: always welcome and always worthy.

Some parents worry that self-compassion might give kids an excuse to be self-indulgent or not try hard. Research proves otherwise: by letting them know that their value is not dependent upon performance, self-compassion actually helps teens be more comfortable with vulnerability, try new things, and develop empathy. Other benefits include greater happiness and resilience, more life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression.

These six strategies can help you and your teen put self-compassion into practice:

1. Before you bring up the topic with your teen, do a self-inventory. For one week, just notice how often you judge or criticize yourself, and be aware of how often your teen sees or hears you. If you’re beating yourself up, you’re sending the message that it’s ok for them to beat themselves up. If you talk negatively about yourself for making a mistake or falling short of a goal, they’re learning to evaluate themselves with the same standards. If you could benefit from a bit more self-compassion too, make it a family project. Talk openly about your efforts and support each other in being more kind, forgiving, and loving to yourselves.

2. Label behaviors and actions, but not your child. Self-compassion means honoring the innate worth of ourselves and others, even when behaviors and actions fall short. Especially when we’re upset, it’s easy to use labels like rude, selfish, or disrespectful as if they define who kids are. When you discipline, label only the behavior you want to call out. Instead of “You’re a liar,” try “I’m disappointed by your choice to lie about where you were on Friday.” Letting them know they are still loved and worthy helps them separate their actions from their identity.

3. Ask “How would you treat a friend in the same situation?” When your teen is self-criticizing or judging, this simple question is foundational in self-compassion research. Because we all tend to be much harder on ourselves than we are on others, it helps to step out of the “I messed up” mindset and reframe the situation with more compassion. Thinking about how they would treat a friend helps teens release feelings of failure and build lasting self-compassion skills.

4. Ask “What do you need right now?” This question is another powerful way to help teens develop self-compassion. When your teen is sad, angry, or upset, try asking them what they need and then give them time and space to consider their response. Resist the urge to jump in with suggestions or try to “fix” things. This helps teens get used to checking in with themselves, honoring their own needs, and asking for support when they need it.

5. Help them notice negative self-talk and change it. The first step is simple awareness: noticing when self-talk gets critical. Then, ask what their more compassionate self would say instead and help them reframe the negative observations in a more positive, self-affirming voice. This practice helps train teens’ brains away from knee-jerk negativity and towards more consistent compassion.

6. Encourage teens to take a self-compassion break. This mindfulness practice from the Greater Good Science Center involves taking a pause to check in with thoughts and feelings and sit with them in a compassionate way. It teaches teens that difficult emotions are temporary and they can let them move through their minds and bodies instead of getting stuck. It also helps them reflect on challenging situations and put self-compassion strategies into practice. It’s a win for them and for you, too.

Additional Sources:

https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Helping-Teenagers-With-Stress-066.aspx

https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Marshall2019.pdf

https://www.mindful.org/the-transformative-effects-of-mindful-self-compassion/