1. Name and claim emotions.

In adolescence, big changes in teens’ brains, hormones, and social lives happen all at once. Teens really do experience emotions more intensely, and their prefrontal cortexes aren’t yet fully developed to help them balance their feelings with adult-level logic. Teaching them to label what they’re feeling is a powerful first step in dealing with conflict because it gives them time to pause and reflect. That helps them keep their cool and communicate from a place of self-awareness and self-responsibility.

2. Skip the silent treatment.

It’s not easy to be the one who brings up conflict, but teens need to know there’s no benefit in holding their emotions inside, sulking, or hoping a disagreement will just blow over. Teach them how to talk it out. Model a proactive approach by speaking up when the two of you are at odds. Let them know that taking steps to resolve conflict helps relationships get stronger, and that should always be the number one priority.

3. Focus on problems, not people.

Teens are often tempted to blame others for conflict: the mean teacher, selfish sibling, or catty friend. Help your teen learn to avoid attacking the person involved. Most conflict is not due to another person’s character flaws; instead, it’s about different perspectives or needs that don’t match up. Help your teen identify the problem and stay focused on finding a solution instead of making it about the other person’s character.

4. Use “I” statements.

Talking through a conflict when emotions are running high is hard at any age. Teens need to learn the foundational skill of using “I” statements like, “I feel angry” instead of “You make me angry,” or “I need some time to cool down” instead of “You need to leave me alone.” “I” statements help teens take responsibility for their own emotions and needs instead of blaming the other person and making the conflict worse.

5. Practice switching perspectives.

One of the most powerful skills teens can learn is how to look at a conflict from the other person’s point of view. Help your teen get in the habit by asking them 1) what they think the other person is feeling and 2) what they think the other person needs. Stepping into someone else’s shoes helps them build empathy.

6. Remember to breathe.

Teach teens how to regulate intense emotions with their breath. Diaphragmatic breathing is proven to help people stay calm in conflict. Box breathing– a simple 4-count inhale/exhale– is a powerful stress-reduction strategy that’s easy for teens to learn. And taking one deep, slow breath is a great way for teens to clear their minds and get grounded before they speak up.

7. Remember, it’s not about you.

One of the most difficult kinds of conflict is the kind that seems to come out of nowhere, like a bully who suddenly targets your teen or a stranger who makes an ugly comment about some aspect of their appearance. Let your teen know that often people who are hurting inside try to make themselves feel better by lashing out at others. Their actions are usually about their own struggles and not the people they lash out at.

8. Stay focused on the present.

Teach teens to keep the focus on resolving the current challenge and to avoid bringing up past issues or saying things like “You always…” or “You never…” Such statements reflect strong emotions instead of reality, and tend to make the conflict more confusing and difficult to deal with. Focus on fixing one problem at a time. And if the problem is a repeat issue, let them know they can reflect on it and decide what to do when they’re not feeling angry or defensive.

9. Be assertive.

Teens who are less sure of themselves may need to practice being more assertive and speaking with a more confident voice and body language. Teens who tend to be more aggressive may need help toning it down so they don’t intimidate or alienate others. Help teens assess their assertiveness by teaching them the three C’s of conflict resolution: Stay in the zone where you come across as calm, confident, and compassionate.

10. Know how to apologize.

Saying “I’m sorry” is a skill many people struggle all their lives to master, but when it comes to resolving conflict, nothing works like a sincere apology. Parents who are willing to apologize when they make a mistake set an example that teaches teens to do the same. Apologizing is an art form, but the best apologies don’t include “buts” or involve excuses. Nothing makes a bigger impact than simply stating, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry I hurt you.” 

Where do we begin? First, have a talk with your teen. Find a comfortable place where you can focus. You can say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been feeling ____, and I want to get you set up with some extra support from a therapist.” It is important to be honest and open and set the right tone. Let them know that you love them, and there is no shame in getting support with behaviors or mental health challenges. It is also important to listen to your child’s concerns. If they are feeling nervous, angry, or upset, ask them to tell you more about how they are feeling.

Collaborate with your teen if possible. You can ask your teen:

• “Is there any kind of therapist you’d prefer?”
• “Do you care about the sex or gender of your therapist? Some people want to have a female therapist or a male therapist. Does this matter to you?”
• “I am going to make a list of therapists and then I’d like you to look over them with me.”

The next step is to make a list of possible candidates. You can do this by:

• Asking for referrals from your family physician, school counselor, or other community support.
• Asking friends or co-workers with children if they have any good recommendations.
• Asking your health insurance companies for providers that are “in network” or how they will reimburse you for the cost of therapy for “out of network” providers.

You can also utilize internet search engines such as Psychology Today, Mental Health Match, or Inclusive Therapists (among others) to look for providers in your area. These search engines allow you to sort by zip code, online vs. in-person therapy, gender, insurance, etc. They will also provide you with a blurb or a short summary of the therapist’s specialties.

Some things to look for include:

• Do they work with children and adolescents?
• Do they have experience with the issues that your teen is going through?
• Does their rate per session fit your budget, or do they offer a “sliding scale” or lower rate adjustments?
• Do they see clients after school, on weekends, or during school hours?

Some folks utilize special techniques such as Play Therapy, Art Therapy, or Animal Assisted Therapy (with a dog or animal in the room!) Some therapists specialize in certain issues such as grief support, eating disorders, divorce and family changes, or LGBTQ+ identity. Be on the lookout for the issues that impact your child.

All those letters!

Therapists have different backgrounds and specialize in different things. Here’s a quick overview of what some of the acronyms or “letters” mean.

• Fully licensed therapists may have the letters LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor), LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist), or LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker).
• Therapists with master’s degrees in counseling or psychology who are working towards being licensed (under supervision for thousands of hours), may have the letters LPC-A or LMSW.

Some types of therapy include:

• CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)- learning how to reframe your thinking, self talk, etc.
• DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)- learning skills of mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance (crisis survival), and interpersonal communication.
• EMDR (Eye Movement Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) – therapy that helps with trauma experiences, utilizes body and eye movement.
• SFBT (Solution Focused Brief Therapy)- learning how to problem solve a short-term issue.

After you have a short list of possible therapists, show them to your teen. You can read the therapist’s website or look at their profile online together, and ask your teen about their impressions. Most therapists offer a free 15-minute consultation, so you can also try talking to a couple folks to see if it feels like a good match.

Finally, it is important to stay hopeful during this process! Some therapists may have a long wait list, or only offer certain hours. Encourage your child to be patient and flexible, and let them know that you are going to figure this out together. It may take some time to find the right person- and you can let your teen know you will be with them every step of the way! 

Active listening is listening like you mean it: you’re completely present and open to what the other person is sharing, and they know you care about what they have to say. According to the Center for Parenting Education, “Active listening is a very sophisticated skill that can take years to master. Because you may not have been raised in a home in which this kind of listening was practiced and because very little of it occurs in our society, it can feel like you are learning a second language.” While active listening may be a challenge to master, it’s a real game-changer with teens. Here are five active listening skills you can put into practice today:

1. Make sure you’re “all ears.”

The single most powerful way to upgrade your listening skills is to practice being fully present. Life is busy, fast-paced, and full of distractions, and that makes it tough to tune in to our teens. But nothing says “I’m here for you” like focusing your full attention on your teen. When they’re talking to you, stop multitasking and try to eliminate distractions (put down your phone, silence notifications, or turn off the car radio). Notice if you’re thinking about the past, the future, or your to-do list. If you’re feeling scattered, take a few slow, deep breaths and bring your attention back to the present moment.

2. Pay attention to your body language.

Body language says a lot about how well we’re listening. When your teen is talking, turn toward them and lean in slightly. Smile, nod, and mirror their facial expressions to let them know you empathize. Most teens appreciate eye contact, but if they’re feeling shy or sharing a sensitive subject, they may prefer to be side-by-side. (Lots of parents have great talks with teens while driving.) A pat on the back or a gentle arm squeeze also feels good to teens who like physical affection.

3. Try not to interrupt or give advice (until they ask for it).

Parents have a lot more life experience than kids, and we’d do anything to protect them from the pain of misjudgments and mistakes. It’s common for parents to listen until we think we get the gist and then step in with our own ideas, but that can leave teens feeling unheard. Try to just listen until your teen is done talking, and wait a little longer than usual before you speak up. If they don’t ask for your perspective, you can say, “I have an idea about that if you’re open to hearing it.” With active listening, you don’t have to have all the answers. Think of it like teaching your teen to drive: you can sit beside them and offer support, but they’re the one who steers.

4. Reflect back what you’re hearing.

Another active listening upgrade is to paraphrase what your teen tells you and repeat it back to them. This can feel awkward at first, but it lets teens know you really get what they’re saying – or gives them a chance to clarify. For example, if your teen says, “I hate Olivia! She told everybody I got a C on the test and I feel so stupid,” you can reflect back: “You must feel embarrassed and angry that she shared information you wanted to keep private. It’s hard when a friend lets you down like that.”

5. Ask the right kind of questions.

Make sure your questions are non-judgmental and clarifying. Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than a question that sounds like criticism: What were you thinking?! Clarifying questions seek a better understanding of the message your teen wants to get across. You might ask them to clarify facts about what happened or say more about how they feel. By avoiding the feeling of judgment, clarifying questions give teens an opportunity to self-reflect, see the situation in a new light, and think about possible next steps. Clarifying questions gently guide teens toward deeper understanding and self-awareness while keeping their sense of autonomy intact.

Practicing these five skills lets your teen know that you care about them, respect them, and value what they have to say, so they’re more likely to listen when it’s your turn to talk. And best of all, active listening will deepen your teen’s trust in you, ensuring that you’re the one they turn to when they need a listening ear or a helping hand. 

Encourage emotional awareness.

“The gateway to empathy is emotional literacy,” says Michele Borba, educational psychologist and author of UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. Talking about feelings is how kids learn that emotions matter – their own and others’. Teens first need to know how to identify their feelings. Are they sad, mad, frustrated, hurt? Parents can help teens name and claim emotions by reflecting and asking questions: “It sounds like you’re upset. Are you angry?” The more aware teens are of their own emotions, the more they’ll pay attention to the emotions of others. Parents can ask teens how others might feel, too: “What do you think Jackson was feeling when he said that?” And make sure your teen knows that you have emotions, too. Teens value authenticity. When parents can be vulnerable, it builds trust and a closer connection.

Nurture multigenerational relationships.

Relationships across generations are beneficial for all ages, but they’re especially powerful for teaching teens about compassion. A few generations back, it was common for teens to help take care of younger siblings or senior relatives. These connections teach teens what it means to be responsible for others and often show them just how capable they really are. They also help teens develop compassion for those whose abilities differ from their own. When helping your teen build multigenerational relationships, start close to home. Is there a family member, friend, or neighbor who needs help? Can your teen earn extra money babysitting or running errands for seniors? Many cities have nonprofits that focus on multigenerational relationships. Teens can volunteer to teach technology or deliver meals to seniors, serve as a camp counselor, or tutor a younger student.

Explore different perspectives together.

Think about how you can help your teen develop awareness of cultural, ethnic, and religious plurality as well as differences in age, gender, ability, and economic background. \”Attitudes are caught not taught,\” says LuAnn Hoover, instructor of family studies and human services at Kansas State University. \”Nonverbal actions are picked up on. Kids don\’t attend to what adults say but to what they do. It\’s the saying, \’Actions speak louder than words.\’\” In other words, to embrace different perspectives, teens need to see you walking the talk. Make a project of exploring diverse perspectives and experiences together. Visit museums, watch movies, read books, try different cuisines, and attend local festivals. Emphasize the differences and connections in your own family and community, and help your teen see that they are a part of a big, diverse, interdependent world.

Rethink the chore chart.

Research shows that kids who do chores report better family relationships, but many parents say they’d rather do the chores themselves than have to nag their teens or fight over the definition of a clean room. One problem may be that, in many families, chores aren’t directly connected to caring for each other. Instead of randomly assigning tasks, try sitting down with your teen to rework the chore chart with a focus on how you can support each other. For example, if you work late on Wednesdays, would your teen be willing to get dinner on the table? If your teen has to wake up extra early for practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays, could those days be chore-free? When your teen pitches in, make sure you let them know how they’ve helped you: “Thanks for getting your brother ready for school. It gave me extra time to prepare for a big meeting and made my whole day go so much smoother. I really appreciate you.”

There’s nothing as rewarding as seeing your teen express empathy or lend a helping hand to someone in need. These four strategies help teens build rewarding relationships, develop responsibility, and, most importantly, find fulfillment in caring for others. 

First, let’s look at the downside. Researchers say social media plays a major role in teen mental health, bullying, and body image. Several studies link increased time spent on social media with higher rates of depression and suicide among teens. During the COVID-19 pandemic, rates of cyberbullying increased as teens spent more time online, with 21% of adolescents between the ages of 10-18 reporting some form of cyberbullying. And 40% of teens say their body image is negatively impacted by Instagram and other social media apps. Another worry is that teens can’t seem to stop social media: in one study, 67% of parents said they have been concerned that their teen is addicted. Privacy is also paramount, as parents wonder how their teens\’ data is collected and how it will be used.

Despite these troubling statistics, experts agree that not all of the responsibility lies with social media. Psychologist Jeffrey Pickens says, “We cannot blame technology for our social problems. These tools, like any other, can be used for good or mischief.” As with any other tool, Pickens says parents must educate themselves, set appropriate boundaries, and talk to their teens about potential pitfalls. “It is important for parents to talk with teens about the pros and cons of online interactions, how to defend themselves from negative people and messages, and how to enjoy activities that unplug us from the online metaverse.” Pickens and others say that parents taking an active role in their teens’ digital lives helps them avoid straying too far into the scary side of social media.

And while the upside of social media gets less attention, the benefits to teens are real. It allows teens to build meaningful relationships, express themselves creatively, learn about the world, develop empathy, and experiment with crafting their identities. Online communities provide (sometimes life-saving) support for teens, especially those who identify as LBGTQIA+, have disabilities or illnesses, or are socially excluded. Many teens use social media to make an outsized impact as activists, artists, and entrepreneurs. In a 2018 Pew Research survey, 81% of teens said social media helps them feel more connected to what’s going on in their friends’ lives, 71% said it allows them to show their creativity, and 68% said it gives them the feeling that they have people who can support them through tough times.

To help teens make the best of social media and stay safe, experts recommend that parents implement the following strategies:

• Wait to get them their first phone. Most kids in the U.S. get their first phone at age 10. While every family should base the decision on their individual needs, waiting even a little longer can benefit kids by giving them more time to mature. “The younger that they are, the more likely they are to have more online harassment happen, because they\’ve been on it longer, they have more followers, they have more chances for mean things happening online, (and) more online drama,” says Linda Charmaraman, PhD, founder and director of the Youth, Media & Wellbeing Research Lab at Wellesley.

• Monitor their accounts. When kids do get their first phone, let them know that you’ll be checking their social media accounts regularly. Once a week is a good goal. Since it’s harder to set a new rule once teens are used to phone freedom, it’s best to start early and stay consistent.

• Give them examples and explain what’s ok and not ok. Adolescents need to know exactly what counts as gossiping, bullying, or spreading rumors, as well as explanations for why it\’s hurtful and what harm it causes. They also need to know what’s safe and appropriate to share and what isn’t. Set rules, but talk about them together so teens know you’re concerned for their safety, not trying to control them or invade their privacy.

• Prioritize face-to-face friendships. The COVID-19 pandemic upended teens’ social lives and made online connections an even bigger part of their reality. But social media is no substitute for real-world connections, and teens need a balance of both. Encourage your teen’s offline friendships by getting to know their friends, planning fun activities, and providing transportation and a safe space to hang out.

• Keep talking and hold each other accountable. Parents can be a powerful example of social media self-awareness. Pay attention to your own social media habits and screen time. Talk to your teen about digital devices and different platforms. Ask genuinely curious questions. Decide together what your family’s best practices look like, from setting up a charging station for phones outside bedrooms to planning device-free fun time.

Above all, remember that you’re still the most important influence in your teen’s life. When you stay as involved in their online life as you are offline, teens can explore social media and experience its benefits while staying safe. 

1. Get curious about your teen’s dreams and passions.

What takes a goal across the finish line? A plan is important, but motivation matters most of all. Before you introduce the idea of goal setting with your teen, ask yourself: how well do you know what motivates them? What are they passionate about? Are you sure they’re following their passions and not yours? We often pressure teens to go for the goals that are most important from a parents’ perspective, but this strategy can sometimes backfire. Teens are more likely to grow into goal-oriented adults if they are motivated by genuine excitement and curiosity, rather than external factors like approval from others. To help your teen tap into their intrinsic motivation, get curious about their interests. Ask questions, be willing to learn, and feel excited with them. Your belief in them empowers them to believe in themselves.

2. Set goals together.

The most effective way to teach teens how to set goals is to make it fun and do it as a family. Setting goals together provides motivation and accountability and gives teens a template to use for individual goals later on. Family goals can be as simple as cooking dinner together one night a week or as complex as planning a once-in-a-lifetime trip. To get started, pick an easier goal and then work your way up to bigger targets. Make sure everyone is equally invested, agrees to their roles and responsibilities, and gets a say in choosing how to celebrate success. For example, the family could start by planning and training to run a 5K together. Once that goal has been achieved, you could then choose to train for a longer race, or try racing a fun obstacle course designed for all ages. Each time you achieve one goal, have the teens decide how they should top it.

3. Find your formula and make a roadmap.

First published in 1981 by George Doran, the SMART formula is a classic way to teach teens to map out their goals. SMART goals are:

• Specific: You can define exactly what you want to achieve.
• Measurable: You can measure what you have achieved and know when you have achieved it.
• Achievable: Your goal will stretch you, but you know you can realistically reach it.
• Relevant: Your goal matters to you and aligns with your values.
• Time-based: You have a target date to reach your goal.

Another goal setting formula that’s great for teens is WOOP, developed by Dr. Garbrielle Oettingin:

• Wish: What’s your wish? It should be challenging but attainable.
• Outcome: What’s the best outcome you hope to achieve?
• Obstacle: What’s the main obstacle that stands in the way of your wish being fulfilled?
• Plan: What can you do to overcome that obstacle?

Whatever the formula, encourage your teen to map their goal with pen and paper or a digital device. Goals can be mapped in a journal or notebook, on poster board with colorful markers, or on a chalkboard wall. WOOP has a free app for Android and iOS, and planner and calendar apps are great for tracking reminders, milestones, and target dates.

4. Make it happen with micro goals.

Just like adults, teens can be master procrastinators when it comes to goals. Paradoxically, the higher teens aim, the harder it can be to make meaningful progress. The reason? High expectations and fear of failure compound stress. Teach teens to dream big but work towards their goals in small steps. Micro goals break a goal down into easily-achievable aims and prioritize consistent progress, even if it’s slow. Researchers at Stanford University found that small, incremental success is motivating at the beginning of a new project, but as they get closer to the finish line, teens should pick up the pace and focus on the excitement they’ll feel when they cross it.

5. Help them choose the right goals.

According to the nonprofit Challenge Success, “a narrow definition of success is hurting our kids.” Overemphasis on test scores, grades, and college admissions means teens are overwhelmingly sleep-deprived, worried about academics, and dealing with stress-related health symptoms. Goals should empower teens and expand their sense of what’s possible, not become a source of harmful stress. Parents can help teens choose goals wisely: What would make their lives more meaningful? How can they make a positive impact on the world – while also having fun? What would make them most proud of themselves? Goals should be values-based, challenging, and attainable.

With these five strategies, teens can learn practical skills for goal setting while staying connected to their passion and purpose. How’s that for a definition of success? 

Teens who dream big have an optimistic outlook, and optimism in teens correlates with lower rates of depression and mood disorders and higher levels of goal setting, coping skills, and self-confidence. Optimism is a mindset that can be cultivated and helping your teen dream big is a great place to start. Here are some ways you can support your teen in reaching for the stars!

Expand their worldview.

Nothing helps teens dream big like being exposed to new experiences, places, people, and ideas. The teenage brain is wired to absorb information from diverse sources and weave it together in exciting ways. When introduced to something that inspires them, teens often experience states of awe and wonder that spark their creativity and shape their sense of what’s possible. Travel is a major motivator for many teens: a trip to a national park might get them curious about conservation, or a summer abroad might inspire them to become fluent in a foreign language. Volunteering and summer or after-school jobs also rank high for “a-ha” moments, as does exposure to art, music, history, nature, or new technology. It’s best to let your teen take the lead and tell you what they’re interested in learning, but don’t underestimate the power of the unexpected. One teen we talked to was surprised to fall in love with horticulture during a summer job on the farm of a family friend. The more new and diverse experiences you can share with them, the better.

Help them meet mentors.

Even teens who have one or more caring, engaged parents on their team can experience great benefits from mentorship. Mentors provide support and guidance and can help teens discover and nurture their passions. According to MENTOR, teens with a mentor are 55% less likely than their peers to skip a day of school, 78% more likely to volunteer, and a whopping 130% more likely to hold leadership positions. Lots of mentor relationships get started in informal ways, with relatives, neighbors, or family friends. If your teen is interested in a particular field, maybe you know someone with expertise in that area. Could your teen meet up to chat or spend a day shadowing them? Teens can also meet mentors through volunteer opportunities, jobs, and internships. Since teens may lack confidence in approaching adults, parents can help them identify organizations and people they would be excited to learn from, plan how they’ll reach out, and set goals to get the most out of the experience.

Seek out stories of inspiring teens.

A quick Google search is all it takes to discover almost endless examples of teens who are dreaming big and changing the world. Check out scientist and Time’s first Kid of the Year Gitanjali Rao, Klothes 4 Kids founder Nijel Murray, and punk band The Linda Lindas. Teens are inspiring others as entrepreneurs, activists, content creators, artists, gamers, and inventors. While they are making their mark in different ways, most say they started with a passion or curiosity and just decided to go for it. Peer role models inspire other teens to ask, “If they can do it, why not me?” Many share advice for other teens on how to take action via podcasts, YouTube videos, and TED Talks. Try watching or listening with your teen to spark a conversation about where their own passion and curiosity might lead. Note that lots of successful teens credit their parents for supporting them and helping them set their projects in motion.

Finally, and most importantly, help your teen discover and nurture their passion. Give them space to explore, try new things, and learn from any mistakes they make along the way. Let them know you’ll always be there to help and that nothing could make you prouder than cheering them on. And be an example of someone who’s not afraid to take risks to make your own dreams come true. Your teen probably has some ideas to inspire you, too! 

There are concerning statistics on bullying and suicide rates for LGBTQ+ youth, which are alarming. However, there is also emerging research on protective factors for LGBTQ+ youth and things you can do to support the LGBTQ+ youth in your life. Protective factors include social support, LGBTQ+ role models, and advocating for inclusive policies. By being a supportive ally, you can protect LGBTQ+ youth and help save lives!

As a child and adolescent therapist and former gender and sexuality club sponsor, here are some of my favorite tips for interacting with the LGBTQ+ youth in your life:

• It’s okay to just listen. Many parents and teachers have asked me, “What do I say if someone comes out to me?!” It’s okay to not have the right words. Being a mindful, present listener is a good start! A simple, “Thank you for sharing this with me” or “Thank you for trusting me- I am here to support you” is typically a good move. By asking “What is this like for you?” and “How can I support you?” and then really listening, you are being a good ally.
• Stay calm and supportive. For some parents and caregivers it can be really surprising when a child “comes out” to them. There may be feelings of shock, denial, or grief. Sometimes parents get very worried about their child’s safety or how they will be viewed by others. It’s okay to feel your feelings and get support for this. Call a friend and vent away. However, the important thing is to remain calm and supportive when interacting with your child.
• Meet the child where they are. I often hear things like, “How would my child even know about their sexual orientation if they are so young!” or “My child keeps changing genders- is this just a fad?!” The most important thing to do if you are confused is to just meet your child where they are. If you dismiss the child’s perceptions, they may start hiding things from you, and open communication is what you need. It’s okay to say, “I don’t understand all of these things right now, but I am here for you and I love you.”
• Believe your child. Think about it like someone who is balding. One day they had hair, and the next they didn’t. That’s because of gene expression. The person was born with the “balding” gene, and they were always going to be this way, but the gene didn’t “turn on” until later. Sexual orientation can be like this. With puberty and hormones, things can change over time, and your child needs you to be present with them and believe their experiences.
• Mirror the person’s language. If a student tells me that they are “pansexual” I will call them that. I won’t call them bisexual or gay or anything else. I will use the terms that the student uses. If Jenny introduces you to “her wife” Kimmy, then don’t say, “Jane’s partner is here.” Use the term she uses instead. By being a mirror, you are letting that person know that there is no shame in how they identify. It’s all pretty simple, yet sometimes people get uncomfortable with language, which brings us to our next tip!
• Learn the vocab. After serving for years as a club sponsor for LGBTQ+ high school students, you may think that I know all the current terms, and yet I still learn new things every week. It’s okay to ask someone for more information by saying, “I haven’t heard of that term, can you tell me what that means to you?” There are a lot of glossaries online, and this is a good one if you are just getting started.
• Learn the acronym. The LGBTQ+ acronym is an umbrella term with just some of the ways people identify. Let’s break it down!
• The LGB stands for lesbian, bisexual, and gay. These are terms for sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is who you are attracted to or want to be in relationships with.
• The T in LGBTQ+ stands for transgender. Gender is not the same as sexual orientation. Gender is your internal sense of yourself as male, female, neither, or both. If the sex you were given at birth (based on your body parts) matches your gender (your internal sense of male/female) then you are “cisgender.” If your gender is different than your sex assigned at birth, then you may consider yourself transgender, non-binary, or something else. Gender is complex, and you can learn more here!
• The Q in LGBTQ+ usually stands for Queer, and is a broad term that means not heterosexual. Queer used to be a slur, and it has been reclaimed by some people. Sometimes the Q stands for Questioning as well.
• The + in LGBTQ+ is there to show that there are MANY more terms that people may use! If you aren’t sure what term to use, just ask.
• Be a VISIBLE Ally. If you are thinking, “Well of course I am an ally” then go ahead and show it. LGBTQ+ youth cannot read your mind, and many of them are looking for safe anchors in their world. Wearing a rainbow sticker or an ally pin can help them know that you are there to listen and support them. We once had an “ally” event at a high school, and teachers were invited to wear stickers and the students were SHOCKED at how many people were supportive. It made a huge difference for the students and helped improve attendance!

Now that you’ve learned a few tips and some vocabulary, share what you’ve learned with friends, family and caring adults who want to be supportive allies for youth. Pride Month is more than a display of rainbows. It’s a great opportunity to create safe space for the young people in your life.

Meagan Butler, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Austin, TX, with 17 years of experience as an educator and mental health professional. She was named Austin ISD’s District-wide Counselor of the Year in 2015 and later supervised hundreds of school counselors as Counseling Coordinator. Meagan is currently a PhD student in School Improvement at Texas State, an Educational Consultant, and a Senior Therapist at Ensemble Therapy in Austin. She specializes in neuroscience-based interventions, trauma-informed practices, and support for LGBTQ+ children and youth. Meagan practices mindfulness every day. 

The answer? Well… maybe. Cell phone addiction is real and knowing the signs and symptoms can help you assess your teen’s phone habits (and your own). These six strategies are proven to help kids (and parents) stay in control of their digital lives instead of being controlled by their devices.

1. Be honest about your own not-so-great habits. Many frustrated teens say they can’t bring their phones to the dinner table, but parents get around the rule by saying, “I just have to check my work email,” or “I can’t miss this call.” Our digital lives are hard to escape, and everybody needs more of what journalist Catherine Price calls “Screen/Life Balance.” Price’s 30-day Break Up with Your Phone Challenge offers tips to assess your screen time and set realistic goals for yourself. Getting your teen on board is easier when digital detox is a family project, and not just focused on fixing their bad habits.

2. Set sensible limits – together. Teens are old enough to help set boundaries on their phone use. If you’re worried about their habits, it’s likely that they’re also noticing some of the negative effects of being tethered to technology. They may be more open than you think to an honest conversation and some guidance. A few starter suggestions for adults and teens: Turn off push notifications for most, if not all, social media apps. Maybe text messages, too. The constant dings and blings are one of the main drivers of cell phone addiction. It also makes sense to stick to one screen at a time (i.e., no texting while playing video games) and plan phone-free time after homework and chores are done.

3. Agree on family “down-times.” Talk to your teen about which times of the day and week make sense for everybody to take a break from their phones. Meal times are an obvious choice, as is the hour or so before bedtime. Look for other times, too, based on your family’s unique needs and schedules. How about phone-free time in the morning, when you go for a hike, or on the drive home from school? Talk it over with your teen so everyone involved has buy-in.

4. Set up a family charging station. Whenever you and your teen decide it’s “down-time,” set up a single charging station for all phones that can be monitored. This keeps everybody accountable, plus you don’t have to search the house for a million missing chargers. Some families use the station at night to remove the temptation of phones after bedtime, too. (Digital alarm clocks are a low-tech lifesaver when phones disrupt a teen’s sleep. You might try it, too!)

5. Focus on fun. Most of us scroll for entertainment and to feel connected to others. But YouTube videos and social media feeds don’t actually deliver the good vibes we crave. Phones and apps are designed to be addictive. Catherine Price offers a simple solution: we all need to remember what real fun feels like. Find a whole-family activity to replace phone time with fun time. What does your teen suggest? From board games to bike rides, pajama parties to pickleball, a little creativity makes it easier to forget the phones and build healthier habits.

6. Take it to the next level. Digital detox works best when we’re motivated by wanting to spend more quality time together as a family. With this in mind, families can plan outings or fun days with the understanding that everyone will be phone-free. If kids are involved in the planning, they’re much more likely to agree to try disconnecting for a while. Plan a trip to the movies or a family soccer match with just one phone in case of emergencies, and talk together about how it felt afterwards.

By being an authentic role model, keeping communication clear, and involving kids in planning for screen-free time, parents can empower teens to find balance with technology. Along the way, these strategies help the whole family get happier and healthier together. 

Our Favorite Focus App

The Flipd – Keep Focused app gets rave reviews. It includes mindfulness tools, custom reminders, a time tracker, lock mode, and community features to help teens define and stick with a goal. We think it’s most useful for carving out dedicated study time, free from distractions. Kids create a category like “Homework” and the app tracks their \”time well spent.\” Lock mode hides games, social media, and distracting downloaded apps, and blocks notifications for a set amount of time. (They can still access phone, text, and email.) Users can also connect with others in online study groups. And in response to parents’ safety concerns, there’s no direct communication between users (like chat or messaging). One young reviewer says, “(Flipd) has honestly changed the way I study forever. Getting to study online with others in groups is a lifesaver and makes you feel like you’re not alone.” Teens also have access to attention-boosting resources including music, guided meditations, and breathing practices. Flipd is thoughtfully designed, easy to use, and not a bad idea for parents who may need a little help with focus, too! Many features are free; a premium subscription is $5.99/month or $42.99/year.

Focus-Boosting Essential Oils

Essential oils have long been used to calm and re-center the mind, body, and spirit. We love Plant Therapy’s KidSafe blends (formulated for ages 2+), many of which come in convenient pre-diluted roll-ons. They’re inexpensive and easy to throw in a backpack for use whenever teens’ minds wander. The Hocus Focus roller has a light citrusy scent that most kids like. Lime, Bergamot, and Petitgrain help with alertness and energy. Atlas Cedar and Chamomile are soothing and calming, and Vetiver stabilizes the mind.

We’ve also found that the simple act of using the roller helps teens develop healthy habits for homework and test-taking. It signals, “time to focus,” cues kids to set their minds on the task before them, and makes it natural to focus on the breath. At less than $10, we think it’s well worth keeping a few of these around. And check out Plant Therapy’s other kid-friendly blends, too.

Noise Canceling Headphones

Noise canceling headphones can be expensive, but they’re a lifesaver when teens study in noisy, distracting settings. This pair from Skull Candy is well-reviewed and popular with teens, without breaking the bank. The controls are easy to use, charging is fast, and the headphones are lightweight and can be sized to easily fit slightly smaller heads.

Teens can use their headphones to listen to any of the ambient background music or therapeutic sounds available on Flipd (above) or Headspace, start their study time with a guided meditation or breathing practice, or create their own playlist of focus-friendly tunes. Overall, this is a sound investment in their mental health.

A Visual Timer

We know: why buy a timer when we all have a free one on our phones? The big reason, of course, is that phones are teens’ number one distraction. Even in lock mode, phones take the edge off their ability to focus because they’re so used to reaching for them at any moment. Time Timer’s Mod Sprint Edition 60 Minute Visual Timer is the best visual timer we’ve found, with a no-fuss design, clear display, and protective silicone case. It’s a valuable tool for teens who are neurodiverse, easily distracted, or in need of a digital detox.

Visual timers provide a sense of control and help kids build time-management and planning skills. Teens or parents can set the timer in 5 minute increments for homework, chores, or any other task, as well as to limit screen time. Focus develops over time by gradually increasing the increments, and kids can easily switch back and forth between different tasks or subjects. We like that the alarm feature is optional, so the timer can be used in quiet or group settings, too. Visual timers are popular with teachers for good reason, and focus-challenged teens can use them to develop positive habits that last a lifetime.

A Low-tech Fidget

Fidgets are now famous, and there are tons of different ones to suit different teens’ needs. Our current favorite fidget is therapy putty or therapy dough – essentially, it’s silly putty or play dough with a purpose! It’s an inexpensive, low-tech sensory solution that fidget-prone kids can carry anywhere. Just playing with the dough helps teens manage anxiety, ease tension, and relax an overactive mind. We like the all-natural, aromatherapeutic Therapy Dough created by Cammie and Kip Weeks. Choose lavender for calmness, eucalyptus for relaxation, or orange for a mood boost. If your teen has allergies, be aware that this product contains both soy and gluten.

Another option is Crazy Aaron’s Therapy Putty made of silicone, which is non-toxic and considered hypoallergenic. It’s also gluten free and latex free. The small canister is a great size to fit in a pocket or backpack. We’ve heard from a lot of teens that therapy dough has helped them with pandemic anxiety. It’s become one of our staple sensory resources for keeping kids calm and focused.

A Paper Planner

With today’s crammed schedules, sometimes teens’ focus issues are more of an organization problem. And let’s face it – even with all the digital tools out there, sometimes the best strategy is still a paper planner. Writing things down gives kids a sense of control and makes a routine out of planning. The Order Out Of Chaos Academic Planner is highly recommended by parents, coaches, tutors, and teachers for guiding teens to manage their time and tasks effectively. Created by mom and time management expert Leslie Josel, the Academic Planner is simply but thoughtfully designed to help kids to focus and prioritize tasks. Some features that set this planner apart:

• School assignments are placed alongside extracurricular and weekend activities,
• The planner is hole-punched to fit easily in a binder,
• The Next Week/Notes section helps teens track bigger or more complex assignments and projects, and
• Visual aids and planner pointers make it a snap for kids to start using.

We like the larger size and recommend buying the optional month tabs for an even more focus-friendly experience. This is the 2021 National Calendar Award Best Student Calendar for a reason. It helps high-achieving, busy teens feel empowered to reach their goals and focus on what matters most to them.