1. Start by just listening.

When your teen comes to you with a problem, Damour says it’s best to “start by assuming that they aren’t inviting suggestions, or at least are not inviting them yet.” Teens, like adults, often want someone to just listen while they talk through whatever is on their minds. Talking about a problem helps them organize their thoughts and process their emotions. If you jump in with advice too soon, teens may feel like you’re not listening and respond by getting angry or shutting down. Practice being your teen’s sounding board. Try listening a little longer than usual, and ask questions like, “Is there anything else you need to get off your chest?” You can also ask your teen to clarify what they need from you: “Is this a time when you need me to just listen, or do you want my help?”

2. Next, express empathy.

Parents feel a lot of pressure to have all the answers, but – spoiler alert – teens already know their parents aren’t perfect. When they come to you with a problem, they’re often seeking empathy instead of a solution. Empathizing lets teens know their feelings matter to you. Skipping the empathy and going straight to advice can leave them feeling alone, misunderstood, and likely to close down the conversation. Remember that developmentally, teens are experiencing lots of unfamiliar, intense emotions, and expressions of empathy can help them make sense of the uncertainty. Simple statements like, “That sounds really hard,” or “I completely understand why that upset you,” validate your teen’s feelings and let them know they have your unconditional support.

3. Ask what you can do to help.

If it feels like your teen’s brain is on autopilot to reject your advice, that’s because, well, it is. The process of individuation means teens are constantly, often subconsciously, testing the boundaries between themselves and their parents. Even your most well-intentioned and reasonable advice may sound – to them – like you’re telling them what to do, and they may reject it just to prove a point. A simple workaround is to respond with questions instead of statements – especially, “What can I do to help?” “Sometimes the best you can do is ask, ‘What can I do?’” says parenting blogger Edie Meade. “Your child may not know any more than you. They may not think they need your help. But in asking the question, a parent is extending their hand… In lieu of certainty, you offer support, sensitivity, and love.”

4. Finally, provide ideas and options.

The way you deliver advice has a big impact on your teen’s willingness to receive it. Think about how you can provide them with the tools to solve their own problems or be a partner in problem-solving, rather than trying to solve problems for them. Saying “You should ask your teacher if you can retake the test,” will cause teens to tune out faster than asking, “What do you think your teacher would say if you asked to retake the test?” You can also ask if they’d like your help brainstorming solutions, coming up with a list of pros and cons, or talking through potential outcomes. Or try the phrase, “I have an idea about that if you’d like to hear it.” Each of these responses demonstrates that you trust your teen, value their feelings and independence, and are there for support. When teens know you’re confident that they can solve their own problems, they’ll be more willing to listen to what you have to say. With the right approach, you can become your teen’s trusted confidant and guide them towards making wise choices for themselves.

First, let’s look at the downside. Researchers say social media plays a major role in teen mental health, bullying, and body image. Several studies link increased time spent on social media with higher rates of depression and suicide among teens. During the COVID-19 pandemic, rates of cyberbullying increased as teens spent more time online, with 21% of adolescents between the ages of 10-18 reporting some form of cyberbullying. And 40% of teens say their body image is negatively impacted by Instagram and other social media apps. Another worry is that teens can’t seem to stop social media: in one study, 67% of parents said they have been concerned that their teen is addicted. Privacy is also paramount, as parents wonder how their teens\’ data is collected and how it will be used.

Despite these troubling statistics, experts agree that not all of the responsibility lies with social media. Psychologist Jeffrey Pickens says, “We cannot blame technology for our social problems. These tools, like any other, can be used for good or mischief.” As with any other tool, Pickens says parents must educate themselves, set appropriate boundaries, and talk to their teens about potential pitfalls. “It is important for parents to talk with teens about the pros and cons of online interactions, how to defend themselves from negative people and messages, and how to enjoy activities that unplug us from the online metaverse.” Pickens and others say that parents taking an active role in their teens’ digital lives helps them avoid straying too far into the scary side of social media.

And while the upside of social media gets less attention, the benefits to teens are real. It allows teens to build meaningful relationships, express themselves creatively, learn about the world, develop empathy, and experiment with crafting their identities. Online communities provide (sometimes life-saving) support for teens, especially those who identify as LBGTQIA+, have disabilities or illnesses, or are socially excluded. Many teens use social media to make an outsized impact as activists, artists, and entrepreneurs. In a 2018 Pew Research survey, 81% of teens said social media helps them feel more connected to what’s going on in their friends’ lives, 71% said it allows them to show their creativity, and 68% said it gives them the feeling that they have people who can support them through tough times.

To help teens make the best of social media and stay safe, experts recommend that parents implement the following strategies:

• Wait to get them their first phone. Most kids in the U.S. get their first phone at age 10. While every family should base the decision on their individual needs, waiting even a little longer can benefit kids by giving them more time to mature. “The younger that they are, the more likely they are to have more online harassment happen, because they\’ve been on it longer, they have more followers, they have more chances for mean things happening online, (and) more online drama,” says Linda Charmaraman, PhD, founder and director of the Youth, Media & Wellbeing Research Lab at Wellesley.

• Monitor their accounts. When kids do get their first phone, let them know that you’ll be checking their social media accounts regularly. Once a week is a good goal. Since it’s harder to set a new rule once teens are used to phone freedom, it’s best to start early and stay consistent.

• Give them examples and explain what’s ok and not ok. Adolescents need to know exactly what counts as gossiping, bullying, or spreading rumors, as well as explanations for why it\’s hurtful and what harm it causes. They also need to know what’s safe and appropriate to share and what isn’t. Set rules, but talk about them together so teens know you’re concerned for their safety, not trying to control them or invade their privacy.

• Prioritize face-to-face friendships. The COVID-19 pandemic upended teens’ social lives and made online connections an even bigger part of their reality. But social media is no substitute for real-world connections, and teens need a balance of both. Encourage your teen’s offline friendships by getting to know their friends, planning fun activities, and providing transportation and a safe space to hang out.

• Keep talking and hold each other accountable. Parents can be a powerful example of social media self-awareness. Pay attention to your own social media habits and screen time. Talk to your teen about digital devices and different platforms. Ask genuinely curious questions. Decide together what your family’s best practices look like, from setting up a charging station for phones outside bedrooms to planning device-free fun time.

Above all, remember that you’re still the most important influence in your teen’s life. When you stay as involved in their online life as you are offline, teens can explore social media and experience its benefits while staying safe. 

Our youngest son then makes a statement that we recently revisited while on vacation; he stated, “I am not afraid of the dark, I am afraid of what’s in the dark.” This was his explanation for why he previously kept a night light on in his room. There is so much substance in this way of thinking because fear prompted him to take action – an action that assured comfort of sleep and mental wellness through potential struggle.

When it comes to parenting, fear can often stifle our children, as opposed to being a motivating growth factor for building resilience. On our most recent family vacation we were exploring The Continental Divide and taking in the beautiful sites that encompassed us. The same son appeared restless and repeatedly asked if “this was all that we are going to do?” I responded with “Yes and if there is something more you want to do, speak up and let us know.” He responded with, “I was just asking,” while peering at the mountain in front of us.

As his father, I believe I know him well and understand that he has an adventurous spirit. Everything in me said that climb was too dangerous, we did not have the appropriate gear, and I know that is exactly what he wanted to do. We began the descent to return to our car and I asked, “Son would you like to climb the mountain?” His eyes lit up, my heart was racing, and the rest of the family wasn’t having it. We assessed our approach, took a deep breath, and with great intentions we began to scale the mountain.

Thankfully there was an established path that guided us toward our destination. We could see there were areas where snow remained from the most recent snow and blanketed multiple portions of the path. With guidance from a couple of park rangers and some patience, we traversed three of the four snow obstacles. My son followed as I guided him to step in places where I stepped; he followed as I instructed him to lean back so that if he were to slip, he would land on his bottom and not tumble forward. I held his hand at times and pulled him toward me when he appeared anxious and afraid, assuring him that I was with him, and we would do this together.

As we approached our final 20 yards to the top of the mountain, there was one more patch of snow covering the pathway. It was very steep; the snow was quite thick, and the risks were great. I had to make a decision, looking in his eyes I said, “We have come very far, son, but we are not equipped to finish this climb.” I had led him through many fears to this point and yet one obstacle lay before us that almost crippled me.

I wanted him to know the joy of reaching the top and overcoming fear yet, listening to my fear and caution, we were ill-equipped and the consequences of moving forward could have been great. I turned to him and said, “We must turn back; it is too dangerous.” He looked at me and with total trust, agreed. As we descended the mountain, we revisited the conversation about fear and he reminded me of what he had said months earlier; “Dad, I am not afraid of the dark, but what is in the dark.”

I was immediately reminded of my role as a father. My initial fears could have robbed me of the experience with him and possibly hindered his given ambition. However, the steps taken to scale the mountain reinforced how we are to lead our children through fear and possibly how fear can be a healthy motivator. Here are some suggestions for parents as they navigate fear, your own and those of your children:

1. Share your concerns and fears with your children – it reminds them of your humanity.
2. Assess the danger but don’t let fear stifle the opportunities – sometimes we as parents try to protect to such a degree, they don’t experience lif
3. Climb through the trenches with them – a major part of building resilience is climbing the mountain and at times slipping on the path.
4. Know when to stop – we have been entrusted as parents for a reason. Fear can be a motivator that either stifles or wisely informs progress.

Michael S. Cox MA, LPC is a Level 2 Certified Restoration Therapist and seeks to utilize this training in assisting individuals, marriages and families to discover their God-given potential and to see it actualized. He had been in private practice and consulting since January of 2020 and utilizes a holistic approach in providing treatment. Together with his wife they conduct marriage seminars, coach couples in preparation for marriage and walk with families seeking to live healthy lives. Additionally, he utilizes his 20+ years of working with young people to inform and drive his work with adolescent development and emotional regulation. He is the proud husband of wife Coloma and father to their three young boys.

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