Parenting a teenager is no easy task, but it helps when you and your teen embrace the challenges as part of their own Hero’s Journey: the path to becoming their most authentic selves and living a meaningful life. Here, we outline some of the heroic steps teens take with tips to help them triumph at every stage.

The Ordinary World

The journey begins in your teen’s comfort zone, made up of the people and places that make them feel safe and secure. Teens may complain about parents being boring, but a stable, “ordinary” world is exactly what they need to gear up for their Hero’s Journey. Studies show that kids raised in unstable, traumatic circumstances demonstrate negative effects on their stress response well into adulthood, making it harder for them to respond to challenges in a healthy way. Predictability and strong, supportive relationships help teens grow into self-actualized, independent adults. A solid home base doesn’t mean teens shouldn’t be challenged; it just means you’re giving them guidance and making sure they stay safe. See our post on The Family as a Protective Factor to learn how the right family dynamic helps teens feel protected and encouraged to grow.

The Call to Adventure

A Call to Adventure is anything that shakes up a teen’s Ordinary World. It’s a challenge that asks them to step up and take action. The teen years are full of big changes, and each one can be framed as a Call to Adventure. Your child might be starting high school, fighting with a friend, dealing with a bully, trying out for a team, struggling with a subject, or experiencing their first crush. Each of these milestones requires them to learn new skills, take risks, and become a bigger version of themselves. Parents can help by instilling a growth mindset: the awareness that they can learn from their challenges and use them to get smarter, stronger, and more capable. A growth-oriented teen is more likely to frame new experiences as an adventure, instead of getting overwhelmed and giving up.

Allies and Enemies

Heroes almost never achieve their mission by going it alone, and teens need allies, too. Numerous studies have shown that kids with strong friendship networks have better mental health and emotional regulation, higher self esteem, and even a stronger immune system. A 2021 study found that teens with strong friendships before the pandemic were less likely to internalize the stress of social distancing and isolation.= Parents can encourage these rich relationships and help teens know who their true allies are. Do they feel accepted and supported by their friends, even on down days? Do they trust their friends? Are their friends helping them be the best version of themselves? Of course, heroes face enemies, too. Parents can keep an eye out for anybody who doesn’t have their teen’s best interests at heart and give them tools to set boundaries and say “No way” when necessary.

The Inmost Cave

Heroes almost always reach a point in the quest when they have to look deep inside themselves. This might mean confronting self-doubt, or their powers being tested like never before. They may have to take a stand for their values or make a tough choice. The Inmost Cave represents the unknown within ourselves. When teens experience doubt and difficulty, it can lead to risky or even self-destructive behavior. In moments like these, your teen’s relationship with spirituality is what matters most. One recent study found that adolescents with a strong spiritual framework engaged in less risky or violent behavior and were at lower-risk for substance abuse, depression, and suicide. Spirituality is individual for everyone and doesn’t require religious belief. Lisa Miller, psychologist and author of The Spiritual Child, defines spirituality as \”an inner sense of relationship to a higher power that is loving and guiding. The word we give to this higher power might be God, nature, spirit, the universe, the creator… spirituality encompasses our relationship… with this higher presence.\” When teens have a strong sense of a guiding power within, they never have to go into the Inmost Cave alone.

What we love about our favorite heroes and heroines is that, despite their difficulties, they always triumph in the end. You can support your teen on their Hero’s Journey by reminding them that they are setting out on the quest of a lifetime, and every step takes them closer to becoming the hero they are meant to be.

• Watch your own comparisons. 

It may not seem like it, but your opinion of your teen truly is the one that matters most. Parents who compare their teens to others are usually trying to motivate them by giving a relatable example, like a successful older sibling or classmate. But anything that sounds even remotely like “Why can’t you be more like…?” is likely to backfire. It sends the message that you’re disappointed not just in their behavior, but in who they are as individuals. That leads to resentment, envy, anxiety, and a lack of trust. When you need to redirect their behavior, do so with concrete examples of your expectations and steer clear of comparisons.

• Put parameters on social media.

Teens were comparing themselves to others long before social media became a thing, but the steady stream of envy-inducing photos and videos make it harder than ever to avoid. A recent study found that more social media use leads to greater envy, which leads to a higher risk of depression. Talk with your teen about the impact of social media on self-image and overall mental health. Help them stay self-aware and know when they need to unplug. Work together to come up with boundaries they can agree to, like turning phones off after a certain time and planning occasional phone-free fun with family and friends.

• Identify comparison triggers.

Teens tend to negatively compare themselves to others when they’re already feeling down, like when they get a low grade or their crush is flirting with someone else. Help them identify the emotions that trigger self-criticism, like loneliness and boredom. Certain people and situations may also be triggering, like a “frenemy” who always makes them feel less-than. Make sure your teen is equipped with self-care practices to deal with triggers proactively. Exercise, mindful breathing, being in nature, hanging out with positive friends, or doing something they’re passionate about are all great places to start.

• Turn your attention inward.

Remind your teen that when they compare themselves to others, they aren’t seeing the other person’s complete picture. Even when comparing themselves to friends, they don’t know all the things that person is dealing with on the inside. Everybody gets zits, gets dumped, has a bad day sometimes, and deals with low self-esteem once in a while. When they’re caught in a cycle of self-doubt, encourage your teen to redirect their focus inside and take stock of their own values, strengths and gifts. Help them remember to appreciate themselves as unique and perfectly imperfect, just like everybody else.

• Practice kindness.

The emotions we experience when comparing ourselves to others– like bitterness, envy and resentment– feel awful. It may seem counterintuitive, but switching our mindset from envy to appreciation can help. Instead of resenting others, teens can learn to celebrate their accomplishments, talent or hard work. Appreciation lets us feel generous and open-hearted. Nurture the attitude that there is more than enough joy, success and abundance for everyone. Help your teen stay alert for feelings of envy and ask if they can imagine feeling inspired and motivated instead.

• Compare yourself to yourself.

The most helpful form of comparison is when we compare ourselves now to how we used to be. When your teen compares themselves to others, teach them to refocus on themselves a few months or years ago. Can they see how much they have grown? Can they appreciate themselves for the efforts they have made? Can they be inspired by how much progress they’ll make in the future? This keeps the focus on their own vision and goals: the only ones that really matter.

First, let’s look at the downside. Researchers say social media plays a major role in teen mental health, bullying, and body image. Several studies link increased time spent on social media with higher rates of depression and suicide among teens. During the COVID-19 pandemic, rates of cyberbullying increased as teens spent more time online, with 21% of adolescents between the ages of 10-18 reporting some form of cyberbullying. And 40% of teens say their body image is negatively impacted by Instagram and other social media apps. Another worry is that teens can’t seem to stop social media: in one study, 67% of parents said they have been concerned that their teen is addicted. Privacy is also paramount, as parents wonder how their teens\’ data is collected and how it will be used.

Despite these troubling statistics, experts agree that not all of the responsibility lies with social media. Psychologist Jeffrey Pickens says, “We cannot blame technology for our social problems. These tools, like any other, can be used for good or mischief.” As with any other tool, Pickens says parents must educate themselves, set appropriate boundaries, and talk to their teens about potential pitfalls. “It is important for parents to talk with teens about the pros and cons of online interactions, how to defend themselves from negative people and messages, and how to enjoy activities that unplug us from the online metaverse.” Pickens and others say that parents taking an active role in their teens’ digital lives helps them avoid straying too far into the scary side of social media.

And while the upside of social media gets less attention, the benefits to teens are real. It allows teens to build meaningful relationships, express themselves creatively, learn about the world, develop empathy, and experiment with crafting their identities. Online communities provide (sometimes life-saving) support for teens, especially those who identify as LBGTQIA+, have disabilities or illnesses, or are socially excluded. Many teens use social media to make an outsized impact as activists, artists, and entrepreneurs. In a 2018 Pew Research survey, 81% of teens said social media helps them feel more connected to what’s going on in their friends’ lives, 71% said it allows them to show their creativity, and 68% said it gives them the feeling that they have people who can support them through tough times.

To help teens make the best of social media and stay safe, experts recommend that parents implement the following strategies:

• Wait to get them their first phone. Most kids in the U.S. get their first phone at age 10. While every family should base the decision on their individual needs, waiting even a little longer can benefit kids by giving them more time to mature. “The younger that they are, the more likely they are to have more online harassment happen, because they\’ve been on it longer, they have more followers, they have more chances for mean things happening online, (and) more online drama,” says Linda Charmaraman, PhD, founder and director of the Youth, Media & Wellbeing Research Lab at Wellesley.

• Monitor their accounts. When kids do get their first phone, let them know that you’ll be checking their social media accounts regularly. Once a week is a good goal. Since it’s harder to set a new rule once teens are used to phone freedom, it’s best to start early and stay consistent.

• Give them examples and explain what’s ok and not ok. Adolescents need to know exactly what counts as gossiping, bullying, or spreading rumors, as well as explanations for why it\’s hurtful and what harm it causes. They also need to know what’s safe and appropriate to share and what isn’t. Set rules, but talk about them together so teens know you’re concerned for their safety, not trying to control them or invade their privacy.

• Prioritize face-to-face friendships. The COVID-19 pandemic upended teens’ social lives and made online connections an even bigger part of their reality. But social media is no substitute for real-world connections, and teens need a balance of both. Encourage your teen’s offline friendships by getting to know their friends, planning fun activities, and providing transportation and a safe space to hang out.

• Keep talking and hold each other accountable. Parents can be a powerful example of social media self-awareness. Pay attention to your own social media habits and screen time. Talk to your teen about digital devices and different platforms. Ask genuinely curious questions. Decide together what your family’s best practices look like, from setting up a charging station for phones outside bedrooms to planning device-free fun time.

Above all, remember that you’re still the most important influence in your teen’s life. When you stay as involved in their online life as you are offline, teens can explore social media and experience its benefits while staying safe.