Self-Compassion – Lucero Speaks

Why Confidence is so Important for Teens

Jillian — Fri, 27 Jan 2023 19:14:10 +0000

Here’s a cool, little-known fact about the word confidence: it comes from the Latin fidere, which means “to trust.” If you’ve used the Lucero App, you might have seen this word before. Hint: It’s the title of Island 2 because the 28-day experience is designed to help improve your sense of confidence.

You could say that to be confident is to trust yourself. Confidence gives teens faith in their own abilities and a secure sense of self-reliance. It’s the cornerstone quality that helps them navigate the changes of adolescence, make good choices and thrive in a rapidly-changing world.

Why Confidence is Key

Teens who lack confidence miss out on critical growth opportunities because they are less likely to take risks, join in activities and speak up for themselves. They may expect to fail or become overly perfectionistic. They’re also more susceptible to depression, anxiety, substance-use, self-harm and being negatively influenced by peers.

High levels of confidence, in contrast, are proven to protect teens’ mental health. Confident teens are more emotionally resilient, optimistic, persistent and self-compassionate. They have more social support and lower levels of common mental health problems like depression and anxiety. And confident teens are more likely to get the most out of opportunities for growth and self-discovery, like challenging classes and team sports. In short, teens who lack confidence struggle, and teens who have confidence thrive.

The Perfect Storm

Adolescence challenges kids’ confidence in multiple, intersecting ways. In the span of a few years, teens undergo seismic shifts in their bodies, brain chemistry, and emotional and social landscapes. In the midst of all that change, they are tasked with crafting their identities and taking on new levels of independence and responsibility. And because they\’re neurologically wired to seek belonging with peers, the opinions of others suddenly matter much more.

These rapid-fire changes test even the most well-adjusted teens. In a study of 1,300 tween and teen girls, authors Claire Shipman, Katty Kay, and JillEllyn Riley discovered that, between the ages of 8 and 14, confidence levels dropped by 30%. “The change can be baffling to many parents,” they write in The Atlantic. “Their young girls are masters of the universe, full of gutsy fire. But as puberty sets in, their confidence nose-dives, and those same daughters can transform into unrecognizably timid, cautious, risk-averse versions of their former self.”

Why You Need a Proactive Plan

Because of the multiple factors that can damage teens’ confidence, it\’s not enough to leave it up to chance. Teens need a proactive plan to gain tools, strategies and habits that build their confidence and keep it high. Here are three things parents can do to put a solid plan in place:

Keep communicating.

Confident teens know their parents and caregivers are on their team, and they feel comfortable communicating about what matters most to them and any challenges they’re going through. It’s natural, though, for teens to become more guarded and private during adolescence. To keep the lines of communication open, stay curious about your teen’s interests. That’s where they feel most confident and, when they know you care about what’s important to them, they’ll see you as an ally in other areas, too.

Support them in getting out of their comfort zone.

Taking on a challenge can be scary at any age, but it’s one of the best ways to build confidence. Author Alex Malley says, “Take a risk and take action despite your fear of failure, messing up or embarrassment. If things work out, then you now know you can do more than you think. If things don’t work out, you now know that you can handle more than you think. Either way, you’re better off.” Help your teen explore the world around them and get comfortable taking positive risks. When you know they really want to try something new, be their cheerleader.

Build healthy habits.

Teens need daily practice to keep their confidence high. Healthy habits like positive self-talk, mindfulness and self-care are essential tools to protect teens’ confidence and boost their self-awareness. Our gamified wellness app, Lucero, was designed with teen confidence in mind; in fact, it’s a key topic in World 1. It’s a fun, no-pressure way for teens to get daily inspiration and encouragement and build healthy habits.

Tips to Reduce Teen Anxiety

Jillian — Tue, 27 Dec 2022 07:50:08 +0000

Butterflies in your stomach. Sweaty palms. The unshakeable feeling of worry or dread. Everyone has some experience with anxiety, but statistics are skyrocketing among teens. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, one in three adolescents between the ages of 13-18 will experience an anxiety disorder. If you think your child may have an anxiety disorder, reach out to a licensed therapist who can provide a diagnosis and treatment plan. But to help your teen manage everyday anxiety, build a strong foundation of wellness, support, and coping strategies. Here are tips to reduce three of the most common types of teen anxiety.

Social Anxiety

Symptoms of social anxiety include:

Worry about being judged negatively or humiliated
Intense fear of interacting with strangers
Avoidance of social events, talking to people, or doing things out of fear of embarrassment
Self-criticism after social situations

First of all, know that shyness, introversion and preferring a smaller circle of friends are not signs of social anxiety. Some nervousness in social situations is completely normal, and a little anxiety can even help teens steer clear of unsafe situations. But if anxiety is preventing your teen from enjoying their social life or doing things they want to do, it’s time to tackle it. If they avoid every anxiety-provoking situation, they\’ll miss opportunities to learn social skills and build confidence, fulfilling their fears of embarrassment.

To overcome social anxiety, help your teen gradually expand their comfort zone to include more interaction with others. Encourage them to order for themselves at restaurants and ask for assistance when shopping. If they’re open to help, work together to pick a social goal – like joining a club or making a new friend – and plan baby-steps they can take towards meeting it. Help them create a simple ritual for when their anxiety is triggered– like taking three deep breaths and silently saying “I’ve got this” before going into a new or potentially anxiety-provoking situation. Let them know that a little discomfort is a sign of growth and it’s good to lean into it– and that it’s ok to take their time. Praise them each time they challenge themselves and whenever you see them acting with more confidence.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism and anxiety are closely linked in teens, especially in high achievers. Some of the signs to watch for include:

Fear of taking risks and trying new things
Procrastination and being anxiously indecisive
Constant self-criticism and frustration about mistakes
Being overly concerned about the opinions of others

Again, a little anxiety can motivate teens to work hard and do their best. But if your teen’s sense of self-worth is based on what they do and not who they are, they need help to calm their fears of failure.

Lots of anxious teens say they feel pressure from parents to be perfect, so even if you think it’s obvious, remind your teen that their worth and your love for them have nothing to do with their achievements. Help them get more comfortable taking risks and trying things they’re not already good at. Perfectionist teens often have trouble setting boundaries and taking time for self-care. Help them get organized and assess which activities are the most important and rewarding so they can put those things first. Teach them how to recognize the emotional and physical signs of stress – like getting frustrated or struggling with sleep – and know those signs mean it’s time to take a break. Perfectionist teens also get big benefits from anxiety-reducing exercise, creative hobbies, and time in nature or with friends.

Test Anxiety

Teens with test anxiety experience some or all of the following when preparing for or taking a test:

Sweating, shaking, racing heartbeat, feeling faint
Mind going blank
Negative thoughts about past poor performances or future failure
Self-judgment and criticism, feeling inadequate

A little nervousness before an exam is normal and can motivate teens to study and be well-prepared. But too much test anxiety causes smart, capable teens to suffer and even struggle academically.

To help your teen, talk through their sources of stress. Is the material challenging? Is it their lack of preparation or disorganization? Or is the pressure of test-taking too intense? A lot of teen test anxiety can be reduced with good study skills and prioritized preparation. Help teens schedule study time well in advance and break it down into smaller, spaced-out chunks– no cramming the night before the test! Work with them to figure out which study methods work best for their learning style. Encourage them to open up to their teacher or school counselor, too. Just saying “I’m studying hard but I’m dealing with test anxiety– do you have any suggestions?” can release the pressure teens feel and prompt teachers to offer support. A calming fidget or worry stone in their pocket helps ease anxiety. And stress-reducing mindfulness techniques– like box breathing and progressive muscle relaxation– empower teens to relax their bodies and minds, feel more in control, and face their fears.

Turning Negative Self-Talk into Confidence

Jillian — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 18:48:42 +0000

“I can’t believe I missed that goal. I suck at hockey.”

“I’m so fat. Nobody will ever like me.”

“I’m going to bomb my algebra test… and probably the whole semester.”

If you\’re the parent of a teenager, chances are, you hear more than your fair share of negative self-talk. All teens (and let’s face it: adults, too!) are moody, cranky, and self-critical sometimes. But while some negative self-talk is normal, studies show that if taken too far, it leads to higher levels of stress, depression, and anxiety in adolescents. It also affects their academic performance, social well-being, and long-term self-esteem.

Since negative self-talk can be a sign of more serious depression or anxiety, parents should pay attention. But for most teens, know that negative self-talk is a habit that can be changed. Parents can teach teens to become more aware of their self-talk and transform self-criticism into self-confidence. Here are our favorite tips for turning teens’ negative self-talk around:

Notice. Don’t judge. As they go about their daily lives, teens can learn to pay attention to how their inner voice interprets their experiences. The key is to just observe at first, without judging themselves or their thoughts. According to psychologist Mary Alvord, “the idea is not to squelch the negative thought. Research has found that attempted ‘thought stopping’ can actually make the idea stickier. Rather, you want your child to face the thought, thoroughly examine it and replace it with a more realistic and helpful perspective.”

Examine negative self-talk. Taking some time to self-reflect gives teens valuable information about what’s going on in their minds and emotions. Sometimes negative self-talk reveals an actual problem. Maybe they’re dealing with test anxiety, feeling insecure about a friendship, or struggling with a transition. If you hear your teen repeat the same self-talk several times, mention it: “I noticed you’ve been really hard on yourself lately when you’re talking about try-outs. Want to talk about it?” When teens understand the feelings underneath their self-talk, they are empowered to be proactive and find a real-world solution, like asking someone they trust for support.

Reframe negative self-talk. Once they understand where their negative self-talk is coming from, teens can use the following steps to reframe it:

Evaluate the evidence. Ask: What are the actual facts? What evidence do I have that my negative thought is true? Is there evidence that it is untrue? How does the evidence stack up?
Seek alternate explanations and perspectives. Ask: Is there another explanation for this situation? Would someone else look at this situation in a different way? Is there another way I could look at this situation?
Practice self-compassion: Ask: What would I say to a good friend in this situation? What would a good friend say to me? How would I think about this situation if I had my own best interests at heart?
Create an affirmation: Flip the negative self-talk into a positive affirmation by stating the opposite. “This is too hard for me” becomes “ I like challenges,” and “I really screwed up” becomes “I choose to learn from my mistakes and not let them limit me.” When teens are trapped in negativity, affirmations help them reprogram their thinking with a positive outlook.

Visualize their ideal outcome. When they’re focused on everything that could go wrong, ask your teen to imagine the best thing that could happen instead. Teach them to picture their ideal outcome and then feel the good feelings that wash over them. The combination of positive mental imagery and emotional engagement builds self-confidence and edges out negative thinking.

Practice goal-oriented thinking. Self-talk can help teens reach their goals or it can hold them back. Goal-oriented thinking means listening to self-talk and asking, “Is this way of thinking helping me achieve my goals?” If not, teens can reframe it to aim in the direction they want to go in. Having a big goal is motivating, and upgrading their self-talk is one of the steps teens can take to get closer to achieving it.

Turning negative self-talk around helps teens feel more confident, motivated, and optimistic. It helps them handle everyday stress in a more constructive way and supports mental and emotional well-being. By practicing these steps, teens learn that they have the power to shape their reality from the inside out, one positive thought at a time.

Raising Your Teen to Have Self-Compassion

Jillian — Wed, 08 Jun 2022 18:42:32 +0000

“In this incredibly competitive society of ours, how many of us truly feel good about ourselves?” asks author and self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff. It’s a sobering question, especially when we’re talking about teens. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry identifies “negative thoughts or feelings about themselves” as one of the top causes of teen stress. So how can parents protect their kids from the trap of self-judgment and self-criticism? Neff suggests that instead of trying to build self-esteem, we teach teens how to practice self-compassion.

In Self Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself, Neff says focusing on self-esteem can backfire because it means constant self-evaluation, and “we can’t always feel special and above average.” If teens get the message that they should always feel great about themselves, they may think they’re falling short and judge themselves even more harshly. Self-compassion means putting a stop to “judging and evaluating ourselves” altogether. Teens who practice self-compassion learn that when they’re having a hard time, they should treat themselves like they would treat a good friend: always welcome and always worthy.

Some parents worry that self-compassion might give kids an excuse to be self-indulgent or not try hard. Research proves otherwise: by letting them know that their value is not dependent upon performance, self-compassion actually helps teens be more comfortable with vulnerability, try new things, and develop empathy. Other benefits include greater happiness and resilience, more life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression.

These six strategies can help you and your teen put self-compassion into practice:

Before you bring up the topic with your teen, do a self-inventory. For one week, just notice how often you judge or criticize yourself, and be aware of how often your teen sees or hears you. If you’re beating yourself up, you’re sending the message that it’s ok for them to beat themselves up. If you talk negatively about yourself for making a mistake or falling short of a goal, they’re learning to evaluate themselves with the same standards. If you could benefit from a bit more self-compassion too, make it a family project. Talk openly about your efforts and support each other in being more kind, forgiving, and loving to yourselves.
Label behaviors and actions, but not your child. Self-compassion means honoring the innate worth of ourselves and others, even when behaviors and actions fall short. Especially when we’re upset, it’s easy to use labels like rude, selfish, or disrespectful as if they define who kids are. When you discipline, label only the behavior you want to call out. Instead of “You’re a liar,” try “I’m disappointed by your choice to lie about where you were on Friday.” Letting them know they are still loved and worthy helps them separate their actions from their identity.
Ask “How would you treat a friend in the same situation?” When your teen is self-criticizing or judging, this simple question is foundational in self-compassion research. Because we all tend to be much harder on ourselves than we are on others, it helps to step out of the “I messed up” mindset and reframe the situation with more compassion. Thinking about how they would treat a friend helps teens release feelings of failure and build lasting self-compassion skills.
Ask “What do you need right now?” This question is another powerful way to help teens develop self-compassion. When your teen is sad, angry, or upset, try asking them what they need and then give them time and space to consider their response. Resist the urge to jump in with suggestions or try to “fix” things. This helps teens get used to checking in with themselves, honoring their own needs, and asking for support when they need it.
Help them notice negative self-talk and change it. The first step is simple awareness: noticing when self-talk gets critical. Then, ask what their more compassionate self would say instead and help them reframe the negative observations in a more positive, self-affirming voice. This practice helps train teens’ brains away from knee-jerk negativity and towards more consistent compassion.
Encourage teens to take a self-compassion break. This mindfulness practice from the Greater Good Science Center involves taking a pause to check in with thoughts and feelings and sit with them in a compassionate way. It teaches teens that difficult emotions are temporary and they can let them move through their minds and bodies instead of getting stuck. It also helps them reflect on challenging situations and put self-compassion strategies into practice. It’s a win for them and for you, too.

Additional Sources:

https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Helping-Teenagers-With-Stress-066.aspx

https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Marshall2019.pdf

https://www.mindful.org/the-transformative-effects-of-mindful-self-compassion/

3 Mini-Meditations for Teens

Jillian — Sat, 30 Apr 2022 18:15:32 +0000

Teens today have a lot of reasons to feel stressed. Mindfulness – paying attention to the present moment – is one of the best ways to deal with stress, but kids, like adults, often find it challenging to adopt new habits, especially when stress levels are already high.

We recommend starting small with strategies that target the source of their stress. Over time, implementing one or two of these mini-meditations can help your teen learn how to be positive and proactive when it comes to managing stress.

If your teen struggles with anxiety, try box breathing.

Picture a square box. Inhale to a count of four as you trace one of the sides of the box in your mind’s eye. Follow the line of the box as you exhale to a count of four. Inhale… and exhale… each time, matching the rhythm of your breath to four counts. Set a timer and practice box breathing for at least one minute, or longer if it helps.

Paying attention to your breathing is Mindfulness 101. Adding the four-count rhythm and focusing on the box helps your teen create a “safe container” for their attention, so they can regain control of their runaway thoughts. And their slow, controlled breathing deactivates the sympathetic nervous system’s “fight or flight” response, which signals the body to breathe shallowly and increase heart rate. Box breathing basically hacks the nervous system, with a reassuring “Relax, I’ve got this.”

We recommend box breathing for any form of anxiety. It’s super-supportive for teens to get calm and focused before a test, performance, game, or other high-intensity events.

If your teen struggles with self-esteem, try self-compassion.

Is there an area of your life where you could be kinder to yourself? Think about the feelings that come up when you judge yourself and follow the steps below. Allow 3-5 minutes. (Based on the work of Karen Bluth, Ph.D. as part of the Mindful Self-Compassion for Teens course from the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion):

Feel your feelings, including your emotions and physical sensations. Just notice what it’s like right now – let go of judging yourself. Say, “Right now, I’m struggling,” or “Right now, this is hard,” or, “This sucks,” or whatever feels right to acknowledge your feelings.
Now remember that you’re a human being, and all human beings struggle and suffer sometimes. It’s tough to go through something hard, but it also means that you’re connected to others who have been there, too. Acknowledge that: “This is normal,” or “I’m not alone in this,” or “Other people feel this way, too.”
Now think about what you would say to a good friend who was going through the same thing. Be that friend for yourself. Place one or both hands on your heart. Say, “May I be kind to myself,” or “I accept and love myself just as I am,” or whatever you need to hear to feel supported.
Sit for a moment with the feeling of being connected to others and to yourself, and having compassion for whatever it is you’re going through. Breathe the feeling of compassion through your body and mind, and notice what changes in your emotions and physical body when you do.

According to the Berkeley-based Greater Good Science Center, “As their cognitive capabilities grow… teens become more self-aware and, ultimately, more self-conscious. This can breed harsh self-criticism, so the need for self-compassion among teens is crucial.” Self-compassion is great for any source of stress, but it’s especially helpful for teens who have a tendency to be hard on themselves, or who have been bullied or picked on by peers. Teens who practice self-compassion report less depression and more feelings of resilience and gratitude – a huge boost in well-being from this one simple strategy.

If your teen struggles with attention and focus, try moving meditation.

The magic of mindfulness means you can practice any time, doing anything! Meditation doesn’t have to mean sitting still. High-energy teens can still reap the benefits of moving mediation.

Pick an activity you like to do – it could be running, biking, yoga, dance, or something that’s part of a sport you play, like dribbling a basketball or kicking a soccer ball. The best activities are rhythmic, so you can match your movement to your breath. Try doing that activity while paying attention to your breathing. If you notice your mind starting to wander, just bring it back to your breath. While you’re breathing, check in with how your body feels. See if you can make the rhythm of your body match the rhythm of your breath. Do this for 3-5 minutes – longer if it feels good.

Like box breathing, moving meditation gives teens a point of focus and clears away distracting thoughts. Mindful movement keeps the body and brain engaged together, and teaches kids to direct their focus and channel their energy. This is a super-strategy for high-energy, focus-challenged kids, empowering them with self-awareness and self-control.

Whatever the practice, even small doses of mindfulness are proven to help teens reduce their stress and anxiety and increase attention, concentration, self-esteem, and empathy. Once you and your teen are clear about the source of their stress, you can team up to target it. Mindfulness is not one-size-fits-all, so there are a million ways to practice. That means there’s a mediation out there that’s perfect for your one-of-a-kind kid.

Raising Your Teen to Have a Growth Mindset

Jake Shumaker — Sat, 23 Apr 2022 17:41:58 +0000

After decades of groundbreaking research Stanford University psychologist Carol S. Dweck discovered the simple but groundbreaking concept of mindset. People with a fixed mindset—those who believe that abilities are fixed—are less likely to flourish than those with a growth mindset—those who believe that abilities can be developed. Information about what a growth mindset looks like in teens is plentiful, but it often overlooks the role parents play in shaping the mindsets of their kids.

We set out to discover what growth-oriented parents do differently and came up with four surprising insights:

They compliment with care. When you praise your child, which of their qualities do you compliment? Praise carries subtle implications about what we value. If parents praise perfection, it may send the message that mistakes are not ok. If we only encourage kids to do things they’re already good at, they may assume that we think they’ll fail at something new. You can help your kids cultivate courage by complimenting their persistence, effort, hard work, bravery, resilience, and willingness to learn from a mistake. Let them know you’re proud of them when they try new things and take risks, whether or not they succeed. Your encouragement and validation helps them feel successful even when they fall short of a goal.

They know that teens’ brains are “works in progress.” Growth mindset researchers tell us that teens’ brains are still forming, constantly making new neural connections and pruning away underused ones. After the first three years of life, early adolescence is the second most active neurological phase of the human lifespan, and major changes keep happening in the brain throughout the teen years. As they make positive decisions, learn new things, and bounce back from mistakes, they’re literally crafting their adult brain to be resilient. Knowing this can help both of you relax your fears of failure and remember the power of persistence.

They don’t “helicopter” parent. Helicopter parenting tends to backfire. It signals to teens that 1) they’re not capable of solving problems on their own, and 2) you don’t trust them. Parents who nurture a growth mindset monitor their own anxiety and remember that in addition to keeping their kids safe, they’re also helping them grow into strong, independent adults. Practice not rushing to the rescue every time something doesn’t work out. Talk to your teen about why it’s sometimes so hard for you to let go…that way, they know you’re motivated by care, not control.

They ease up–on themselves. How do you react when you make a mistake? If you get angry or mutter, “I can’t believe I did that; I’m so stupid,” remember that your teen is paying attention. Instead of criticizing yourself, practice self-compassion. If appropriate, see if you can find some humor in the situation. Then look for and talk about what you learned from the mistake. Teens are often relieved when their parents are willing to be vulnerable with their imperfections and grateful when they hold themselves accountable. Letting your kids see you keep trying and growing – even when it’s messy – may be the very best example of a growth mindset you give them.

The benefits of a growth mindset are many: more courage and willingness to stretch for goals, higher motivation, better relationships, and lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. A growth mindset is one of the most significant predictors of success and well-being for young people. Don’t underestimate the impact of your parenting in helping your teen develop a lifelong commitment to a growth mindset.

Originally published on Personalexcellence.org