1. Lead with empathy.

Sometimes teenage disappointments seem small from the perspective of a parent, and sometimes we see their mistakes coming from a mile away. But if parents dismiss or minimize teens’ feelings, they’re likely to internalize emotions instead of talking to you when things are hard. No matter what your teen is going through or how you feel about it, lead with empathy. If it’s hard not to say, “I told you so,” remind yourself that your teen doesn\’t have as much life experience as you do. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were their age and in their shoes, acknowledge their feelings, and express love and concern.

2. Hold space for their feelings. 

Disappointments often bring an incredibly complex mix of emotions. Let’s say your teen tries out for a team but doesn’t make the cut. Their disappointment may include shame about their performance, grief from losing hope for a goal they cared about, and fear about how not being on the team will affect their friendships with those who did make it. Your teen may not want or be able to articulate all those aspects, but you can still hold space for them to work through whatever they are feeling and let them know you understand that their disappointment has lots of layers.

3. Ask them what kind of support they need. 

Some teens need space to process their emotions while others want to talk it out. Some want downtime and others prefer to stay busy. Sometimes a parent’s perspective is welcome, and other times a warm hug without words might be best. Empower your teen by asking how you can best provide support. A simple, “What can I do that would make you feel most supported right now?” helps teens think about and speak up for their own needs: a powerful first step in healing their hurt feelings.

4. Affirm their worth and abilities.

Disappointments almost always involve some kind of perceived failure. They can cause teens’ self-esteem to take a hit and scramble their sense of identity: If that didn’t work out, what does it mean about who I am? It may seem obvious to you, but teens sometimes need reminders that their worth is not based on their achievements, popularity, or any external factor. Disappointments also provide an opportunity to tell them all the things you and others appreciate about them, strengthening your teen’s evolving identity. Your unconditional love provides a template for teens knowing how to love themselves even when things fall short of their expectations.

5. Give them a comprehensive coping toolkit. 

Disappointed teens can get drawn into spirals of negative thinking, and negative thoughts feed negative emotions. When they can’t break that cycle, they may be more vulnerable to depression, anxiety and self-criticism. Prepare your teen with tools like affirmations, self-compassion, and these stress strategies. Whenever they’re stuck in negativity, your teen can try techniques from mindful breathing to positive self-talk to practicing self-acceptance. This builds self-efficacy and lets teens know they are capable of self-care.

6. Help them use setbacks to fuel growth. 

It’s never fun to encounter disappointment, but hard things help us grow more than times when everything goes our way. Give your teen the gift of a growth mindset by sharing stories of your own setbacks and mistakes, what you learned, and how you moved forward. Praise them for persistence, effort, bravery and resilience. As Winston Churchill famously said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Disappointments give teens an opportunity to get clear about their values and identity, refocus their energy, and aim for goals that make their lives meaningful.

We set out to discover what growth-oriented parents do differently and came up with four surprising insights:

They compliment with care. When you praise your child, which of their qualities do you compliment? Praise carries subtle implications about what we value. If parents praise perfection, it may send the message that mistakes are not ok. If we only encourage kids to do things they’re already good at, they may assume that we think they’ll fail at something new. You can help your kids cultivate courage by complimenting their persistence, effort, hard work, bravery, resilience, and willingness to learn from a mistake. Let them know you’re proud of them when they try new things and take risks, whether or not they succeed. Your encouragement and validation helps them feel successful even when they fall short of a goal.

They know that teens’ brains are “works in progress.” Growth mindset researchers tell us that teens’ brains are still forming, constantly making new neural connections and pruning away underused ones. After the first three years of life, early adolescence is the second most active neurological phase of the human lifespan, and major changes keep happening in the brain throughout the teen years. As they make positive decisions, learn new things, and bounce back from mistakes, they’re literally crafting their adult brain to be resilient. Knowing this can help both of you relax your fears of failure and remember the power of persistence.

They don’t “helicopter” parent. Helicopter parenting tends to backfire. It signals to teens that 1) they’re not capable of solving problems on their own, and 2) you don’t trust them. Parents who nurture a growth mindset monitor their own anxiety and remember that in addition to keeping their kids safe, they’re also helping them grow into strong, independent adults. Practice not rushing to the rescue every time something doesn’t work out. Talk to your teen about why it’s sometimes so hard for you to let go…that way, they know you’re motivated by care, not control.

They ease up–on themselves. How do you react when you make a mistake? If you get angry or mutter, “I can’t believe I did that; I’m so stupid,” remember that your teen is paying attention. Instead of criticizing yourself, practice self-compassion. If appropriate, see if you can find some humor in the situation. Then look for and talk about what you learned from the mistake. Teens are often relieved when their parents are willing to be vulnerable with their imperfections and grateful when they hold themselves accountable. Letting your kids see you keep trying and growing – even when it’s messy – may be the very best example of a growth mindset you give them.

The benefits of a growth mindset are many: more courage and willingness to stretch for goals, higher motivation, better relationships, and lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. A growth mindset is one of the most significant predictors of success and well-being for young people. Don’t underestimate the impact of your parenting in helping your teen develop a lifelong commitment to a growth mindset.

Originally published on Personalexcellence.org