Making friends with vulnerability is a lifelong lesson, and it’s never too early to start. Here are our five top tips for helping teens develop this secret strength:

1. Acknowledge that teens are already brave just for being where they are.

Feeling vulnerable is tough at any age, but it\’s extra challenging for teens. Parents sometimes forget that teens are still in the early stages of building their neurological, psychological, and social foundations. All of a sudden, they’re figuring out their identities, navigating more complex relationships, and feeling a wider range of emotions than ever before. All those inner and outer changes mean that adolescence is already a vulnerable time. When parents acknowledge that, the support helps teens feel a bit braver trying new things, making mistakes, and opening up.

2. Teach them that their worth and worthiness are innate. 

A sense of belonging is incredibly important to teens, and that includes feelings of safely belonging with their family, friends, peers, and community. Since vulnerability often brings the possibility of judgment from others, stepping out of their comfort zone in any of these relationships can feel scary. Emphasize to your teen that their worth – and their worthiness to belong – can’t be taken away, no matter what they do, think, or say. If they know what unconditional love and acceptance feels at home, they’re more likely to form healthy relationships with people who embrace their whole selves.

3. Make emotional vulnerability a family value.

All teens can struggle with vulnerability, but studies show that boys have an especially hard time. In a recent survey from Plan International, a third of boys said they think society expects them to hide or suppress their feelings when they feel sad or scared. Another third said society expects them “to be strong, tough, ‘be a man,’ and ‘suck it up.’” Perhaps more alarmingly, 41% of boys said that when they feel angry, they are expected to be aggressive or react violently. Parents play a huge role in modeling and welcoming emotional openness. Helping teens learn to “name and claim” their emotions can teach them that all emotions are valuable, even the uncomfortable ones. Let them know that you appreciate it when they express their feelings, and build trust by sharing your feelings with them, too.

4. Praise and reward teens more for effort than for winning.

Naturally, parents feel a special sweetness when their hardworking teen aces an essay contest or crosses the finish line first. It’s great to celebrate their victories, but a lot of teens’ courage to be vulnerable comes from less triumphant moments. Acknowledge them for working hard, taking risks, making wise choices, being a team player, and helping others, too. Be especially aware of times when they put themselves out there and don’t meet with success, since that’s when they’re likely to feel vulnerable. One dad takes his two daughters out to “celebrate courage” whenever they’ve stretched themselves, whether or not there’s a win involved. See our post on Growth-Mindset Parenting for more ideas.

5. Teach them about the perils of perfectionism.

High-achieving teens often demonstrate perfectionist tendencies, but studies show that perfectionism harms much more than it helps. Dr. Brown’s research found perfectionism to be “correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities.” The more teens measure their identity and worth by their achievements, the more they’ll struggle with vulnerability. If you notice your teen holding themselves to an unattainable standard, remind them that they are worth far more than their accomplishments. Help them figure out what goals matter most to them and why they are motivated to work hard. According to Brown, “healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think?”

Vulnerability is all about the soft side of being human. Sometimes that feels like fear or shame, but it can also feel like love, compassion, and courage. Learning to lean into their uncomfortable emotions helps teens make an ally of vulnerability. Then they begin to see themselves as imperfect but whole and deserving of belonging – just like everyone else.

Parenting a teenager is no easy task, but it helps when you and your teen embrace the challenges as part of their own Hero’s Journey: the path to becoming their most authentic selves and living a meaningful life. Here, we outline some of the heroic steps teens take with tips to help them triumph at every stage.

The Ordinary World

The journey begins in your teen’s comfort zone, made up of the people and places that make them feel safe and secure. Teens may complain about parents being boring, but a stable, “ordinary” world is exactly what they need to gear up for their Hero’s Journey. Studies show that kids raised in unstable, traumatic circumstances demonstrate negative effects on their stress response well into adulthood, making it harder for them to respond to challenges in a healthy way. Predictability and strong, supportive relationships help teens grow into self-actualized, independent adults. A solid home base doesn’t mean teens shouldn’t be challenged; it just means you’re giving them guidance and making sure they stay safe. See our post on The Family as a Protective Factor to learn how the right family dynamic helps teens feel protected and encouraged to grow.

The Call to Adventure

A Call to Adventure is anything that shakes up a teen’s Ordinary World. It’s a challenge that asks them to step up and take action. The teen years are full of big changes, and each one can be framed as a Call to Adventure. Your child might be starting high school, fighting with a friend, dealing with a bully, trying out for a team, struggling with a subject, or experiencing their first crush. Each of these milestones requires them to learn new skills, take risks, and become a bigger version of themselves. Parents can help by instilling a growth mindset: the awareness that they can learn from their challenges and use them to get smarter, stronger, and more capable. A growth-oriented teen is more likely to frame new experiences as an adventure, instead of getting overwhelmed and giving up.

Allies and Enemies

Heroes almost never achieve their mission by going it alone, and teens need allies, too. Numerous studies have shown that kids with strong friendship networks have better mental health and emotional regulation, higher self esteem, and even a stronger immune system. A 2021 study found that teens with strong friendships before the pandemic were less likely to internalize the stress of social distancing and isolation.= Parents can encourage these rich relationships and help teens know who their true allies are. Do they feel accepted and supported by their friends, even on down days? Do they trust their friends? Are their friends helping them be the best version of themselves? Of course, heroes face enemies, too. Parents can keep an eye out for anybody who doesn’t have their teen’s best interests at heart and give them tools to set boundaries and say “No way” when necessary.

The Inmost Cave

Heroes almost always reach a point in the quest when they have to look deep inside themselves. This might mean confronting self-doubt, or their powers being tested like never before. They may have to take a stand for their values or make a tough choice. The Inmost Cave represents the unknown within ourselves. When teens experience doubt and difficulty, it can lead to risky or even self-destructive behavior. In moments like these, your teen’s relationship with spirituality is what matters most. One recent study found that adolescents with a strong spiritual framework engaged in less risky or violent behavior and were at lower-risk for substance abuse, depression, and suicide. Spirituality is individual for everyone and doesn’t require religious belief. Lisa Miller, psychologist and author of The Spiritual Child, defines spirituality as \”an inner sense of relationship to a higher power that is loving and guiding. The word we give to this higher power might be God, nature, spirit, the universe, the creator… spirituality encompasses our relationship… with this higher presence.\” When teens have a strong sense of a guiding power within, they never have to go into the Inmost Cave alone.

What we love about our favorite heroes and heroines is that, despite their difficulties, they always triumph in the end. You can support your teen on their Hero’s Journey by reminding them that they are setting out on the quest of a lifetime, and every step takes them closer to becoming the hero they are meant to be.

Social skills

One of the most critical aspects of teen resilience is social support: the feeling that they are loved, cared for, and belong with others. As teens navigate new levels of independence and responsibility, social skills empower them to take care of the relationships that matter most. Such skills include communicating clearly, listening with empathy, and resolving conflict. Parents can help by modeling emotional openness and clear, compassionate communication. Put feelings first– ask your teen, for example, what they think another person might have been feeling during a difficult moment. Practice active listening, and when conflict comes up, stay calm and solution-focused.

Optimism 

Optimistic teens expect positive outcomes and feel hopeful about the future, giving them a big boost in resilience. Some teens are naturally more likely to look on the sunny side, but all teens can learn how to think more positively. Help your teen develop an optimistic attitude by practicing positivity together. Gratitude is one of the most powerful pathways to optimism, so share what you feel grateful for when you sit down to a meal together or keep a daily gratitude list. Reframing negative self-talk also helps teens retrain their brains to prioritize positive thoughts and emotions.

Purpose 

A 2018 study found that teens who scored high for having a sense of purpose “were resilient enough to look past the present challenges and envision a positive future.” Teens can find purpose in relationships, their spiritual life, causes they care about, or working towards future goals. You can help your teen discover what makes life meaningful for them by talking about their personal values and supporting them in finding their passions. Make sure they know that purpose is a process; in fact, part of their purpose can be enjoying the adventure of learning about themselves, trying new things, and discovering unexpected gifts, strengths, and sources of inspiration.

An attachment to family, to school and learning 

Resilient teens feel supported by their families and schools, which helps them embrace learning even when it’s tough. Many of the qualities included in resilience are also associated with a growth mindset: the belief that skills and intelligence improve with effort and that persistence pays off. Teens who think this way tend to embrace challenges and bounce back quickly from perceived failures. You can support your teen in developing a growth mindset by praising them for effort and courage, giving them the tools to practice self-compassion, and encouraging them to step outside their comfort zone and take risks that help them grow.

Problem-solving skills 

A big part of resilience is dealing with problems proactively. Resilient teens are creative and capable when faced with a setback, and don’t expect others to solve their problems for them. Sometimes the best way to help your teen solve problems is by taking a step back: support them in making decisions and taking action, but let them take the lead. Help them think through their options and understand what they can and can’t control. And consider asking for their advice when you’re facing a problem of your own. That helps teens understand how to make tough decisions and take responsibility.

An effective coping style

Resilient teens know how to manage feelings of distress, frustration, and disappointment. Help your teen understand what their go-to coping style is. Some healthy ways of coping include humor, seeking support, relaxation, physical activity, and adjusting expectations. Less-healthy coping involves denial, self-blame, or venting. Teens can evaluate the effectiveness of different techniques and develop positive methods of coping, like learning to check in with their emotions, practicing self-care, and asking for help when they need it.

A positive self-image

Teens with poor self-esteem may feel like the world is out to get them. Teens with a positive self-image are likely to understand that everyone faces difficulties at times, and that whatever they’re going through doesn’t reflect their value as a person. Help your teen maintain their self-worth by letting them know you love, accept, and support them unconditionally.

And know that all the previous resilience-building tools – like learning social, problem-solving, and coping skills – also grow their self-esteem by helping them feel prepared. Resilient teens know that they can bounce back no matter what happens. When they see themselves as strong, they’re truly ready to take on the world!

1. 1. Let them make mistakes. Knowing when to step back and (gulp!) let your teen fail is one of parenting’s hardest lessons. Sounds radical, but confident kids aren’t afraid to make mistakes. Teens need to practice solving their own problems and figuring out what to do when things don’t go their way. Getting comfortable with failure is a key component of a growth mindset and boosts self-confidence.
   2. Stay on call. Confident teens take responsibility for themselves, but they also know when to call for backup. The teenage brain is a work in progress, and a parent’s perspective helps them make sense of the struggles they encounter. Knowing there’s a safety net of unconditional love and support makes all the difference when teens step outside their comfort zones
   3. Strengthen their sense of belonging. Support from parents matters most, but teens need extended family, friends, mentors, and community, too. The more people who care about and are invested in your teen, the better. Different kinds of supportive relationships give teens multiple experiences of mattering to others, and that sense of belonging helps them feel confident.
   4. Help them learn new things. Gaining skills and knowledge boosts kids’ confidence, too. The teenage brain is wired for explosive growth, seeking novelty, challenges, and new experiences. Parents can help by providing diverse opportunities for learning and growth. Everything from educational apps to volunteering together to subject-specific summer camps can spark your teen’s curiosity and develop their confidence.
   5. Ask for their advice. Let your teen know that you respect them and value their opinion. When you’re facing a tough decision or solving a problem, talk to them about it and ask what they would do in your place. Teens are used to being on the receiving end of a lot of advice. Asking for their perspective validates their maturity and helps them feel confident stepping into a more grown-up role.
   6. Practice scary scenarios. Whether they’re facing a difficult conversation with a friend, a big speech at school, or some other event that tests their confidence, practice empowers teens to show up as the best version of themselves. You can offer to role-play the situation or talk through different possible responses or outcomes. Nothing builds confidence like having been there before.
   7. Take on challenges together. Confidence comes from achieving goals and learning how to handle setbacks and failure. Taking on challenges together as a family can empower teens to tackle their own individual aims. Run a 5K, build a treehouse, or download a self-care app together– any challenge works as long as everybody is equally invested in success.
   8. Watch for their sensitive spots. Teens are painfully aware that everything from their appearance to their abilities and achievements is under constant scrutiny from peers. Most teens are confident in some areas but not so much in others. Parents can help teens make sure these sensitive spots don’t override their overall confidence. Help them practice self-compassion, embrace their uniqueness, play up their skills and positive qualities, and surround themselves with people who love them just as they are.
   9. Protect against perfectionism. Perfectionism in teens is a big confidence-killer. High-achieving teens can get discouraged when their efforts fall short of their ideals, like the athlete driven by body dysmorphia or the honor roll student overwhelmed by anxiety because they’re not ranked top of their class. Help your teen value growth, learning, fun, and friendship over perfect scores, and remind them that their worth can’t be measured by numbers. Confident teens take pride in their achievements but don’t let those achievements define them.
   10. Model and praise courage. It’s been said that confidence is a feeling, while courage is a choice. We can’t always feel confident, but we can still choose to act with courage. When you let your teen see you being brave, you’re showing them how to face their fears, too. And when you praise their courageous acts, it validates them for taking the risk to grow. Confidence may not be necessary to act courageously, but courage always builds confidence.

The teen years are all about self-discovery, and sometimes teens struggle to figure out who they are and what they’re good at. Parents can support teens by helping them identify the qualities, skills, and passions that make them unique. Here are four ways you can encourage your teen to discover their own personal superpowers:

1. Help them see the qualities they might not notice in themselves.

Superpowers can be overlooked because they’re often things we do well without having to try. Even if your child is a math mastermind or a musical prodigy, they may downplay what comes naturally to them. Teens may not think of things like being a good friend or making people laugh as valuable skills. And some abilities – like the gift of gab or a wild imagination – may even get them in trouble from time to time. You know your teen better than anyone, so you can help them see their unique qualities as the superpowers they are. Take note of what comes naturally to them and let them know how special it makes them in your eyes. Give them opportunities to showcase their talents and celebrate their successes. And be sure to point out the superhero traits they may not see in themselves, like compassion, kindness, and creativity. That lets them know they’re super for who they are, not just what they do.

2. Give them opportunities to step out of their comfort zone.

Picture three concentric circles. The middle circle is the Comfort Zone, the place where you can always wear your favorite fuzzy slippers and feel zero anxiety. Just outside of the Comfort Zone is the Learning Zone. Here you’ll encounter some risk and discomfort, but it’s also where you develop new skills and abilities and learn to solve problems. Beyond the Learning Zone is the Growth Zone, where you find your purpose and live your dreams. Help your teen find their superpowers by encouraging them to be brave and step out of their comfort zone. Make courage a family value. Let your teen see you challenge yourself, take risks, and make mistakes. Support each other in learning new things and setting goals. Praise your teen when you see them challenging themselves, whether or not it leads to awards and achievement. Each time they step into the Learning Zone, they’re expanding their superpowers.

3. Be of service together.

Superheroes discover their powers by helping others, and so can your teen. Volunteering gives teens opportunities to develop skills, explore interests, overcome real-world challenges, and make a difference in the lives of others. Many teens find lifelong passions while volunteering, and teens who volunteer have higher self-esteem, empathy, and academic achievement. According to the United Way, young people with at least one parent who volunteers are almost twice as likely to volunteer themselves. How can you start volunteering with your teen? Let them take the lead. Ask them if there’s a cause they’re curious about or an organization they want to support. A few of our favorites: Gamer’s Outreach volunteers play video games with hospitalized kids, and Pet Partners trains teens to provide pet therapy with their family pet. There’s a volunteer opportunity for just about every interest.

4. Encourage them to develop a growth mindset.

From Avengers to X-Men, everybody loves superhero stories. Ever wonder why these modern myths are so enduring? Almost all superheroes start with loss or struggle. Heroes must ask themselves, “Can I really do this?” and endure self-doubt before rising to the challenge. Through struggle, heroes become who they are meant to be. Seeing life as a hero’s journey can help your teen develop a growth mindset: the belief that they can improve their abilities with dedication and hard work. Recent research shows that teens with a growth mindset have less fear of failure, higher self-efficacy and motivation, and better overall well-being. Talk to your teen about how setbacks can lead to new opportunities and struggles can build strength. Let them know that they might not always be able to choose their circumstances, but they can always decide how to respond. Teach them to look for the lesson when they make mistakes, and that, as Winston Churchill famously said, “Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”

The teen years are full of opportunities for exploring, expanding and experiencing one’s superpowers. Parents can support these discoveries by encouraging and supporting teens as they embrace their identity and use their superpowers to make the world a better place. 

But if we want to move beyond inspiration, we have to dig a little deeper to help our teens learn how to turn failure around–the practical steps that turn a loss into a win. Here, we outline five questions parents can ask to guide teens through a perceived failure and find success on the other side.

1. How are you feeling? The more we care about something, the worse we’re likely to feel when our attempts to succeed fall flat. It’s important for teens to know their feelings are valid, and that it’s ok to feel sad, embarrassed, sorry for themselves, or however they feel after a setback. As parents, we can support our kids’ whole spectrum of emotions and help them work through their emotions instead of getting stuck feeling down. Talking about an upset – when they’re ready – can help teens process disappointment and reframe it as a growth opportunity. Mindfulness, movement, and journaling also help teens feel their feelings and put things in perspective.

2. What’s your “why”? Because kids are immersed in a competitive culture, it’s easy for them to forget that it’s not all about winning top scores or trophies. They can also be motivated by learning and mastering new skills, teamwork, self-awareness, self-expression, curiosity, friendship, and fun. Ask questions like, “What do you love about being on the softball team even when you lose a game? What’s the most fun thing about robotics/coding/orchestra? What skill that you’ve learned makes you proud? What else are you excited to experience?” Knowing their “why” helps teens redefine success to include all the benefits, so even when they lose, they win.

3. Is it time to quit? We all know the old expression: Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But sometimes, quitting is the right choice. For all the famous folks who persisted their way to achievement, there’s another example of someone who found success after quitting. Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg both dropped out of Harvard. Vera Wang quit earlier careers as a figure skater and editor before becoming a fashion designer. As teens explore, experiment, and discover their skills and passions, they’re likely to encounter a few activities that aren’t aligned with their emerging identity or goals. Parents can support them when they decide it’s the right time to let go. It’s not failure to quit something if it’s just not a good fit.

4. What’s the lesson in this? Rhianna, another icon who overcame early setbacks, inked a reverse-reminder on her right shoulder, so she can read it when she looks in the mirror. The tattoo reads, “Never a failure, always a lesson.” One of the most powerful perspectives we can share with our kids is that failure is feedback. Every experience is valuable because it helps us learn, and we often learn more from mistakes than we do from triumphs. We can help our teens identify and be proud of what they have learned. They’re learning who they are, what matters most to them, and what their version of success looks like.

5. What’s next, and how can I support you? After taking some time to integrate their emotions and lessons from loss, teens have a choice to make: how do they want to move forward? Teens are just beginning to take on more responsibility and commitments, so dealing with disappointment can be a defining moment. The most important message parents can send at this stage is, “I have faith in you and your choices, and I’m here to support you.” Instead of trying to fix their problems or push them to do what we think is best, we can take a deep breath, step back, and let them lead the way.

Famous failures teach us a powerful lesson: little losses often add up to big wins. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “(People) succeed when they realize that their failures are preparation for their victories.” With the right kind of guidance and support, teens can learn how to find resilience in the face of failure and turn their setbacks into long-term success. 

We set out to discover what growth-oriented parents do differently and came up with four surprising insights:

They compliment with care. When you praise your child, which of their qualities do you compliment? Praise carries subtle implications about what we value. If parents praise perfection, it may send the message that mistakes are not ok. If we only encourage kids to do things they’re already good at, they may assume that we think they’ll fail at something new. You can help your kids cultivate courage by complimenting their persistence, effort, hard work, bravery, resilience, and willingness to learn from a mistake. Let them know you’re proud of them when they try new things and take risks, whether or not they succeed. Your encouragement and validation helps them feel successful even when they fall short of a goal.

They know that teens’ brains are “works in progress.” Growth mindset researchers tell us that teens’ brains are still forming, constantly making new neural connections and pruning away underused ones. After the first three years of life, early adolescence is the second most active neurological phase of the human lifespan, and major changes keep happening in the brain throughout the teen years. As they make positive decisions, learn new things, and bounce back from mistakes, they’re literally crafting their adult brain to be resilient. Knowing this can help both of you relax your fears of failure and remember the power of persistence.

They don’t “helicopter” parent. Helicopter parenting tends to backfire. It signals to teens that 1) they’re not capable of solving problems on their own, and 2) you don’t trust them. Parents who nurture a growth mindset monitor their own anxiety and remember that in addition to keeping their kids safe, they’re also helping them grow into strong, independent adults. Practice not rushing to the rescue every time something doesn’t work out. Talk to your teen about why it’s sometimes so hard for you to let go…that way, they know you’re motivated by care, not control.

They ease up–on themselves. How do you react when you make a mistake? If you get angry or mutter, “I can’t believe I did that; I’m so stupid,” remember that your teen is paying attention. Instead of criticizing yourself, practice self-compassion. If appropriate, see if you can find some humor in the situation. Then look for and talk about what you learned from the mistake. Teens are often relieved when their parents are willing to be vulnerable with their imperfections and grateful when they hold themselves accountable. Letting your kids see you keep trying and growing – even when it’s messy – may be the very best example of a growth mindset you give them.

The benefits of a growth mindset are many: more courage and willingness to stretch for goals, higher motivation, better relationships, and lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. A growth mindset is one of the most significant predictors of success and well-being for young people. Don’t underestimate the impact of your parenting in helping your teen develop a lifelong commitment to a growth mindset.

Originally published on Personalexcellence.org