Parenting a teenager is no easy task, but it helps when you and your teen embrace the challenges as part of their own Hero’s Journey: the path to becoming their most authentic selves and living a meaningful life. Here, we outline some of the heroic steps teens take with tips to help them triumph at every stage.

The Ordinary World

The journey begins in your teen’s comfort zone, made up of the people and places that make them feel safe and secure. Teens may complain about parents being boring, but a stable, “ordinary” world is exactly what they need to gear up for their Hero’s Journey. Studies show that kids raised in unstable, traumatic circumstances demonstrate negative effects on their stress response well into adulthood, making it harder for them to respond to challenges in a healthy way. Predictability and strong, supportive relationships help teens grow into self-actualized, independent adults. A solid home base doesn’t mean teens shouldn’t be challenged; it just means you’re giving them guidance and making sure they stay safe. See our post on The Family as a Protective Factor to learn how the right family dynamic helps teens feel protected and encouraged to grow.

The Call to Adventure

A Call to Adventure is anything that shakes up a teen’s Ordinary World. It’s a challenge that asks them to step up and take action. The teen years are full of big changes, and each one can be framed as a Call to Adventure. Your child might be starting high school, fighting with a friend, dealing with a bully, trying out for a team, struggling with a subject, or experiencing their first crush. Each of these milestones requires them to learn new skills, take risks, and become a bigger version of themselves. Parents can help by instilling a growth mindset: the awareness that they can learn from their challenges and use them to get smarter, stronger, and more capable. A growth-oriented teen is more likely to frame new experiences as an adventure, instead of getting overwhelmed and giving up.

Allies and Enemies

Heroes almost never achieve their mission by going it alone, and teens need allies, too. Numerous studies have shown that kids with strong friendship networks have better mental health and emotional regulation, higher self esteem, and even a stronger immune system. A 2021 study found that teens with strong friendships before the pandemic were less likely to internalize the stress of social distancing and isolation.= Parents can encourage these rich relationships and help teens know who their true allies are. Do they feel accepted and supported by their friends, even on down days? Do they trust their friends? Are their friends helping them be the best version of themselves? Of course, heroes face enemies, too. Parents can keep an eye out for anybody who doesn’t have their teen’s best interests at heart and give them tools to set boundaries and say “No way” when necessary.

The Inmost Cave

Heroes almost always reach a point in the quest when they have to look deep inside themselves. This might mean confronting self-doubt, or their powers being tested like never before. They may have to take a stand for their values or make a tough choice. The Inmost Cave represents the unknown within ourselves. When teens experience doubt and difficulty, it can lead to risky or even self-destructive behavior. In moments like these, your teen’s relationship with spirituality is what matters most. One recent study found that adolescents with a strong spiritual framework engaged in less risky or violent behavior and were at lower-risk for substance abuse, depression, and suicide. Spirituality is individual for everyone and doesn’t require religious belief. Lisa Miller, psychologist and author of The Spiritual Child, defines spirituality as \”an inner sense of relationship to a higher power that is loving and guiding. The word we give to this higher power might be God, nature, spirit, the universe, the creator… spirituality encompasses our relationship… with this higher presence.\” When teens have a strong sense of a guiding power within, they never have to go into the Inmost Cave alone.

What we love about our favorite heroes and heroines is that, despite their difficulties, they always triumph in the end. You can support your teen on their Hero’s Journey by reminding them that they are setting out on the quest of a lifetime, and every step takes them closer to becoming the hero they are meant to be.

Social Anxiety

Symptoms of social anxiety include:

• Worry about being judged negatively or humiliated
• Intense fear of interacting with strangers
• Avoidance of social events, talking to people, or doing things out of fear of embarrassment
• Self-criticism after social situations

First of all, know that shyness, introversion and preferring a smaller circle of friends are not signs of social anxiety. Some nervousness in social situations is completely normal, and a little anxiety can even help teens steer clear of unsafe situations. But if anxiety is preventing your teen from enjoying their social life or doing things they want to do, it’s time to tackle it. If they avoid every anxiety-provoking situation, they\’ll miss opportunities to learn social skills and build confidence, fulfilling their fears of embarrassment.

To overcome social anxiety, help your teen gradually expand their comfort zone to include more interaction with others. Encourage them to order for themselves at restaurants and ask for assistance when shopping. If they’re open to help, work together to pick a social goal – like joining a club or making a new friend – and plan baby-steps they can take towards meeting it. Help them create a simple ritual for when their anxiety is triggered– like taking three deep breaths and silently saying “I’ve got this” before going into a new or potentially anxiety-provoking situation. Let them know that a little discomfort is a sign of growth and it’s good to lean into it– and that it’s ok to take their time. Praise them each time they challenge themselves and whenever you see them acting with more confidence.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism and anxiety are closely linked in teens, especially in high achievers. Some of the signs to watch for include:

• Fear of taking risks and trying new things
• Procrastination and being anxiously indecisive
• Constant self-criticism and frustration about mistakes
• Being overly concerned about the opinions of others

Again, a little anxiety can motivate teens to work hard and do their best. But if your teen’s sense of self-worth is based on what they do and not who they are, they need help to calm their fears of failure.

Lots of anxious teens say they feel pressure from parents to be perfect, so even if you think it’s obvious, remind your teen that their worth and your love for them have nothing to do with their achievements. Help them get more comfortable taking risks and trying things they’re not already good at. Perfectionist teens often have trouble setting boundaries and taking time for self-care. Help them get organized and assess which activities are the most important and rewarding so they can put those things first. Teach them how to recognize the emotional and physical signs of stress – like getting frustrated or struggling with sleep – and know those signs mean it’s time to take a break. Perfectionist teens also get big benefits from anxiety-reducing exercise, creative hobbies, and time in nature or with friends.

Test Anxiety

Teens with test anxiety experience some or all of the following when preparing for or taking a test:

• Sweating, shaking, racing heartbeat, feeling faint
• Mind going blank
• Negative thoughts about past poor performances or future failure
• Self-judgment and criticism, feeling inadequate

A little nervousness before an exam is normal and can motivate teens to study and be well-prepared. But too much test anxiety causes smart, capable teens to suffer and even struggle academically.

To help your teen, talk through their sources of stress. Is the material challenging? Is it their lack of preparation or disorganization? Or is the pressure of test-taking too intense? A lot of teen test anxiety can be reduced with good study skills and prioritized  preparation. Help teens schedule study time well in advance and break it down into smaller, spaced-out chunks– no cramming the night before the test! Work with them to figure out which study methods work best for their learning style. Encourage them to open up to their teacher or school counselor, too. Just saying “I’m studying hard but I’m dealing with test anxiety– do you have any suggestions?” can release the pressure teens feel and prompt teachers to offer support. A calming fidget or worry stone in their pocket helps ease anxiety. And stress-reducing mindfulness techniques– like box breathing and progressive muscle relaxation– empower teens to relax their bodies and minds, feel more in control, and face their fears.

Why is routine so important for teens? Adolescence brings with it intense physical, emotional, and social change. When so much of a teen’s life is in flux, the predictability of everyday routines is grounding. As the study’s lead author Allen Barton says, “We often lose sight of the mundane aspects of life, but if we can get control of the… everyday parts of life, then I think we can have a major impact on some bigger things.” The benefits of routine include:

• Enhanced closeness and bonding: Consistent routines send the message that you’re there for your teen and they can trust and count on you.
• Physical well-being: Regular bedtimes help set your teen’s body clock so they know when it’s time to go to sleep and wake up. Similarly, regular mealtimes help teens stay on track with healthier habits.
• Increased responsibility: When teens’ chores are scheduled and expectations are clear and consistent, they learn to keep commitments and care for others.
• Executive skills: Predictable routines help teens learn valuable lifelong skills like time management, organization, self-monitoring and self-control.

You may be asking, How can we get started with more stable routines… especially if my teen is already used to less structure? Parenting experts agree you should start small and involve teens in planning. Create one new routine at a time and begin with something that feels fun and rewarding, like a monthly game night or weekly dinner at home with the whole family. Ask your teen to help you brainstorm how to make your existing everyday routines more enjoyable and efficient, or create new rituals and traditions. This approach helps teens buy into routines as beneficial rather than seeing them as limiting.

Know that some teens like and need routine more than others. To give your teen a sense of ownership, talk with them about the habits they want to cultivate and the goals they are working towards, then work together to establish one small supportive change at a time. Approach new routines as an experiment instead of a rigid rule: try something out and if it doesn’t work, be prepared to modify it. When schedules or circumstances change– like at the start of the school year or when your teen adds an activity– it’s a good time to reevaluate routines. Above all, stay flexible and keep communicating.

More tips for setting successful routines:

• Think about your teen’s (and family’s) pressure-points: Is it always a battle to get out of bed in the morning? Do you tend to get super-stressed around homework or meal times? These areas are the perfect place to start creating more structure.
• Make it simple to accomplish tasks without investing a ton of time and energy. Remember that reducing stress often involves having to make fewer choices, so consider routines like a rotating weekly menu or prepping outfits the night before.
• Teens are chronically sleep deprived, so sleep is one of the most powerful places to establish routines. Emphasize consistent bedtimes and wake-up times, especially on school days.
• Don’t forget to factor in downtime, exercise and time with friends. These activities are all critical supports for teen mental health, and should be a priority even for busy teens.
• Make a shared family calendar and include reminders for the most important routines. From phone notifications to the old-fashioned chore chart, visual and auditory cues help your teen get used to new structure.
• Incentivize progress. When your teen– or your whole family– sticks to a new routine, make sure you celebrate success.
• Don’t be rigid: If a routine gets disrupted, just stay positive and start over tomorrow. And take time to periodically reevaluate routines to make sure they’re still in everyone’s best interests.

• Link habits to big goals.

The goals that matter most to teens can inspire them to stick with healthy habits. Because of their stage of brain development, teens often live moment-to-moment instead of planning progress towards their goals. But when teens know that achievement depends on specific, consistent efforts, they’re more likely to develop goal-supporting habits like eating healthy to boost athletic performance or getting enough sleep when they have a big test. Talk to your teen often about what they dream about and what sparks their curiosity. Then help them connect everyday choices to their long-term goals and evaluate whether or not their current habits are likely to lead to success.

• Identify keystone habits.

Certain routines can lead to a cascade of other positive habits. For example, when Sara’s fourteen-year-old daughter Zoe joined the cross country team, she suddenly started asking for healthier snacks and going to bed earlier so she could be at her best for morning practice. Sara says, “I literally said, ‘Who are you and what have you done with Zoe?’ but I’m amazed at how motivated she is to take care of her body now.” According to author Charles Duhigg, keystone habits start \”chain reactions that help other good habits take hold.” When your teen has a goal they care about, help them identify one or two new habits to ensure success. Once they get started, they may find that the momentum leads to lots more positive change.

• Create the right context.

Teens, like adults, often wrestle with self-judgment and frustration when they’re trying to create a healthy habit or let go of an unhealthy one. They may genuinely want to make better choices but find that it’s just too hard to go for a run when their friends want to play video games or snack on carrot sticks instead of Takis. Remind teens that habits form because our brains like to make things easy and efficient. To instill a new habit we need to make it as simple as possible to do the desired behavior and as hard as possible to do the undesired behavior. That might mean keeping a pair of running shoes by the front door, clearing unhealthy snacks out of the pantry and fridge, or setting up a distraction-free study zone. Help your teen brainstorm how to make healthy habits so easy they don’t have to think about it.

• Take advantage of positive peer pressure.

Positive peer pressure is more about encouragement and support than it is about actual pressure. When teens know their friends support them and want them to be the best version of themselves, it helps them commit to healthier habits. Seventeen-year-old Nicole says, “When I’m trying to do better with a habit, I get one of my friends to do it with me. Like, right now my friend and I are trying to drink water instead of soda. We remind each other to always bring our water bottles and it’s easier to not drink soda if I know we’re doing it together.” Teens also benefit from positive peer pressure when they take part in team sports and group academic and extracurricular activities. Working towards shared goals with peers is extra-motivating and encourages teens to develop lasting positive habits.

• Choose the right kind of reward.

We’d all love our teens to make healthy choices based on intrinsic motivation– doing something because it is satisfying in and of itself– instead of extrinsic motivation, or doing something because a reward is expected. But researchers agree that incentives can help people get into the groove when forming a new habit. Help your teen pick something enjoyable they can reward themselves with each time they complete a desired task, like ten minutes of game time when they finish their homework or workout. To build self-efficacy, make sure the reward is something your teen can do for themselves. That way, they’re completely responsible for self-motivation and monitoring their own progress. The right reward gives teens something to look forward to until the sense of accomplishment kicks in to keep them going.

Uplevel your listening skills.

Just listening isn’t easy, but it may be what your teen needs most. Active listening means being completely present, available and focused on what your teen is saying (or not saying). Instead of assuming you know what’s up or thinking you need to be ready with answers, you give them space to work through their thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t mean you don’t offer feedback or step in to keep them safe, but your first priority is just being there for them. When parents are good listeners, it teaches teens to trust themselves and gives them the security of feeling unconditionally loved.

Establish supportive routines.

When everything seems uncertain, teens’  mental and emotional health are more vulnerable. To protect them in times of transition, make sure the things you can control feel as safe and predictable as possible. Talk to your teen about creating stable routines you can both count on. That might include regular bedtimes and mealtimes, schedules for homework and chores, limits on screen time, and making sacred space for family and friends. Always be ready to reevaluate routines or let them go if they’re not helping. Finally, routines should prioritize self-care, relationships and well-being, and they work best when they feel more like rituals than rules. 

Know their vision and values.

As Lewis Carroll said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.” Navigating transition is easier when teens have a goal to work towards, and values give them guardrails for making good decisions. Help your teen create their vision for a successful outcome and identify the micro goals to get there. What if the idea of a big-picture vision is overwhelming to your teen? Don’t pressure them. As they get used to the changes, they’ll get clearer about their opportunities and options. In the meantime, their goals can focus on exploration and taking it one day at a time. 

Address your own anxieties.

Worry is contagious. If you’re stressed about a transition, your teen is more likely to absorb your fears, act out against them, or try to “fix” things for you. Take time to identify each of your anxieties with self-compassion: Are you uncertain about your future and how that will affect your family? Concerned about your teen’s safety? Worried that your relationship with them will change? Once you’re clear about the source of your stress, ask yourself what you need to feel more supported. Make connections with others who understand your experience. Talk to a therapist, parenting coach, or supportive friend. Take time to breathe, exercise, and eat and sleep well. Make a list of resources and establish a plan. When you feel calm and capable, your teen will, too.

Put together a transition team.

When we talked to teens about transitions, they mentioned dealing with a family member’s illness, worrying about money after a parent’s job loss, and getting used to living with new step-siblings. Relationships are a big part of what gives teens their sense of self, so in times like these, other relationships can provide stability. Help your teen establish a support team of family, friends, and mentors. It’s especially important if you’re in transition, too. You and your teen both need to know you’re not in it alone, and you don’t have to be the sole source of support for each other. Reach out to people you trust and ask if they’re willing to be on call or spend extra time with your teen. Talk to their teachers, school counselor, and parents of their close friends. Let your teen know that it’s ok to ask for help. Instead of feeling fearful and alone, teens can learn to seek connection and stay open to opportunities. Transitions can help them develop self-awareness and clarity about their goals, get closer to the people they love, and be at ease with the inevitable changes of life.

Social skills

One of the most critical aspects of teen resilience is social support: the feeling that they are loved, cared for, and belong with others. As teens navigate new levels of independence and responsibility, social skills empower them to take care of the relationships that matter most. Such skills include communicating clearly, listening with empathy, and resolving conflict. Parents can help by modeling emotional openness and clear, compassionate communication. Put feelings first– ask your teen, for example, what they think another person might have been feeling during a difficult moment. Practice active listening, and when conflict comes up, stay calm and solution-focused.

Optimism 

Optimistic teens expect positive outcomes and feel hopeful about the future, giving them a big boost in resilience. Some teens are naturally more likely to look on the sunny side, but all teens can learn how to think more positively. Help your teen develop an optimistic attitude by practicing positivity together. Gratitude is one of the most powerful pathways to optimism, so share what you feel grateful for when you sit down to a meal together or keep a daily gratitude list. Reframing negative self-talk also helps teens retrain their brains to prioritize positive thoughts and emotions.

Purpose 

A 2018 study found that teens who scored high for having a sense of purpose “were resilient enough to look past the present challenges and envision a positive future.” Teens can find purpose in relationships, their spiritual life, causes they care about, or working towards future goals. You can help your teen discover what makes life meaningful for them by talking about their personal values and supporting them in finding their passions. Make sure they know that purpose is a process; in fact, part of their purpose can be enjoying the adventure of learning about themselves, trying new things, and discovering unexpected gifts, strengths, and sources of inspiration.

An attachment to family, to school and learning 

Resilient teens feel supported by their families and schools, which helps them embrace learning even when it’s tough. Many of the qualities included in resilience are also associated with a growth mindset: the belief that skills and intelligence improve with effort and that persistence pays off. Teens who think this way tend to embrace challenges and bounce back quickly from perceived failures. You can support your teen in developing a growth mindset by praising them for effort and courage, giving them the tools to practice self-compassion, and encouraging them to step outside their comfort zone and take risks that help them grow.

Problem-solving skills 

A big part of resilience is dealing with problems proactively. Resilient teens are creative and capable when faced with a setback, and don’t expect others to solve their problems for them. Sometimes the best way to help your teen solve problems is by taking a step back: support them in making decisions and taking action, but let them take the lead. Help them think through their options and understand what they can and can’t control. And consider asking for their advice when you’re facing a problem of your own. That helps teens understand how to make tough decisions and take responsibility.

An effective coping style

Resilient teens know how to manage feelings of distress, frustration, and disappointment. Help your teen understand what their go-to coping style is. Some healthy ways of coping include humor, seeking support, relaxation, physical activity, and adjusting expectations. Less-healthy coping involves denial, self-blame, or venting. Teens can evaluate the effectiveness of different techniques and develop positive methods of coping, like learning to check in with their emotions, practicing self-care, and asking for help when they need it.

A positive self-image

Teens with poor self-esteem may feel like the world is out to get them. Teens with a positive self-image are likely to understand that everyone faces difficulties at times, and that whatever they’re going through doesn’t reflect their value as a person. Help your teen maintain their self-worth by letting them know you love, accept, and support them unconditionally.

And know that all the previous resilience-building tools – like learning social, problem-solving, and coping skills – also grow their self-esteem by helping them feel prepared. Resilient teens know that they can bounce back no matter what happens. When they see themselves as strong, they’re truly ready to take on the world!

But if we want to move beyond inspiration, we have to dig a little deeper to help our teens learn how to turn failure around–the practical steps that turn a loss into a win. Here, we outline five questions parents can ask to guide teens through a perceived failure and find success on the other side.

1. How are you feeling? The more we care about something, the worse we’re likely to feel when our attempts to succeed fall flat. It’s important for teens to know their feelings are valid, and that it’s ok to feel sad, embarrassed, sorry for themselves, or however they feel after a setback. As parents, we can support our kids’ whole spectrum of emotions and help them work through their emotions instead of getting stuck feeling down. Talking about an upset – when they’re ready – can help teens process disappointment and reframe it as a growth opportunity. Mindfulness, movement, and journaling also help teens feel their feelings and put things in perspective.

2. What’s your “why”? Because kids are immersed in a competitive culture, it’s easy for them to forget that it’s not all about winning top scores or trophies. They can also be motivated by learning and mastering new skills, teamwork, self-awareness, self-expression, curiosity, friendship, and fun. Ask questions like, “What do you love about being on the softball team even when you lose a game? What’s the most fun thing about robotics/coding/orchestra? What skill that you’ve learned makes you proud? What else are you excited to experience?” Knowing their “why” helps teens redefine success to include all the benefits, so even when they lose, they win.

3. Is it time to quit? We all know the old expression: Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But sometimes, quitting is the right choice. For all the famous folks who persisted their way to achievement, there’s another example of someone who found success after quitting. Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg both dropped out of Harvard. Vera Wang quit earlier careers as a figure skater and editor before becoming a fashion designer. As teens explore, experiment, and discover their skills and passions, they’re likely to encounter a few activities that aren’t aligned with their emerging identity or goals. Parents can support them when they decide it’s the right time to let go. It’s not failure to quit something if it’s just not a good fit.

4. What’s the lesson in this? Rhianna, another icon who overcame early setbacks, inked a reverse-reminder on her right shoulder, so she can read it when she looks in the mirror. The tattoo reads, “Never a failure, always a lesson.” One of the most powerful perspectives we can share with our kids is that failure is feedback. Every experience is valuable because it helps us learn, and we often learn more from mistakes than we do from triumphs. We can help our teens identify and be proud of what they have learned. They’re learning who they are, what matters most to them, and what their version of success looks like.

5. What’s next, and how can I support you? After taking some time to integrate their emotions and lessons from loss, teens have a choice to make: how do they want to move forward? Teens are just beginning to take on more responsibility and commitments, so dealing with disappointment can be a defining moment. The most important message parents can send at this stage is, “I have faith in you and your choices, and I’m here to support you.” Instead of trying to fix their problems or push them to do what we think is best, we can take a deep breath, step back, and let them lead the way.

Famous failures teach us a powerful lesson: little losses often add up to big wins. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “(People) succeed when they realize that their failures are preparation for their victories.” With the right kind of guidance and support, teens can learn how to find resilience in the face of failure and turn their setbacks into long-term success.