For parents and caregivers of tweens and teens, it’s especially important to understand the causes of the loneliness epidemic and how to address it. According to a 2018 global study, young people reported the highest levels of loneliness of any age group, and having supportive relationships is the most significant contributor to adolescent mental health and overall well-being. Why are loneliness rates going up? Here’s what we discovered and what it means for tweens, teens and families:

1. Social isolation is increasing.

Over the two decades between 2003 and 2020, time spent alone increased by about 24 hours per month for all age groups. For people between the ages of  15-24, time spent with friends decreased by nearly 70 percent, from 30 hours a month to just 10 hours. Today’s adolescents are spending a lot more time alone than their parents did, and feeling more lonely as a result.

2. Social networks are shrinking.

Compared to a generation or two ago, families are smaller, busier, move from place to place more often, and live further apart. That means less time spent with extended family, friends, neighbors, and people we interact with around the communities we live in. Studies also show that participation in civic, service, recreational, and religious organizations is in decline. That means less interaction with people who share common interests, values, and goals.

3. We have fewer close friends. Among people who don’t report feelings of loneliness, 90% have three or more confidants. Research shows that close friendships protect tweens and teens’ mental and physical health and increase resilience well into adulthood. But in 2021, 49% of Americans said they have three or fewer close friends, a number that’s nearly doubled since 1990.

4. Trust levels are lower. In 1975, 45% of Americans felt they could reliably trust each other. In 2016, that percentage had shrunk to 30%. Lower levels of trust correspond to near-historic rates of polarization. Polarization and mistrust may  affect tweens and teens even more than adults, because the adolescent brain is not yet adept at processing trauma and anxiety.

What can we do about loneliness? 

It can be helpful to remember that we’re all in this together: The issues leading to loneliness affect everyone in our society to some degree. Understanding that you’re not the only one dealing with loneliness can make it easier to reach out. And families can take steps to alleviate loneliness, like practicing emotional self-care, cultivating social connections, and building meaningful relationships. Here are three key places to start:

1. Learn emotional regulation skills.

Practice “naming and claiming” feelings. Learn strategies to manage difficult emotions like loneliness. Know when to reach out for help. Lucero’s wellness app offers a gamified approach to self-care that supports emotional regulation and nurtures real-world relationships, with content that’s co-created by licensed therapists and youth.

2. Cultivate community together.

Tweens and teens benefit from a diverse network of relationships with family, friends, neighbors, and community members. And guess what? So do you! Every supportive relationship makes your family’s sense of belonging more resilient. How can you and your teen grow supportive relationships as a family? Brainstorm easy, fun ways to connect with others, like starting a block party, volunteering, or joining an intramural sports team together.

3. Take it offline.

While it’s normal to seek connection online, social media is no substitute for IRL relationships. In fact, some studies show that increased social media use correlates with higher rates of loneliness. In-person connections are best for learning critical social skills and establishing a steady source of support, so encourage your teen to put down their device and reach out for real-world connection, too.

1. Build a strong relationship with themselves.

Teens with high self-esteem have more positive relationships, and positive relationships lead to better self-esteem. Self-esteem often takes a hit during adolescence when physical, neurological, psychological and social changes combine with increased stress and responsibility. Healthy habits that boost teens’ connection with themselves include self-reflection, self-care, journaling, positive self-talk, and getting clear about personal values and goals. Encourage your teen to think about what it means to be their own best friend– how do you talk to someone you love and care about? What would you do if that person were having a hard time? Teens who love themselves have a built-in model of a supportive relationship, so they know they deserve a high level of care and respect from others.

2. Ramp up resilience.

Healthy habits help teens build a tool-kit of coping skills to deal with stress and regulate their emotions. Each tool increases their resilience, or the ability to bounce back from and overcome adversity. According to researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown, the five most common factors of resilient people include:

• They are resourceful and have skills to solve problems.
• They are more likely to seek help.
• They believe that they can do something to manage their feelings and cope.
• They have social support.
• They are connected with others.

3. Define their \”Framily.\”

According to the Urban Dictionary, a framily includes “friends or blood relatives to whom we would actually choose to be related, because the relationship is mutually respectful, close, supporting and affectionate.” Defining their framily helps teens reframe their support systems to include all the important relationships that don’t necessarily fit into traditional roles, like their mom’s best friend who’s more like an aunt, or a youth group leader or neighbor who always looks out for them. Take some time with your teen to map out your own framily members and highlight any relationships you want to strengthen. Let those people know that they’re a part of your teen’s tribe, then plan ways that you and your teen can deepen the most important connections.

4. Get serious about radical support.

At Lucero, we define framily as any combination of youth and adults who want to radically support each other. Who are the people your teen can rely on for radical support? Those are the relationships that belong in your teen’s inner circle. Radical support means different things to different people, but some key questions your teen can ask themselves include:

• Can I be my most authentic self around this person? Do they like and love me even when I’m feeling sad, silly, vulnerable, etc.?
• Can I trust this person? Do I know they will respect my boundaries and keep what I say confidential? Are they honest with me?
• Would I feel comfortable asking this person for help or support?
• How does this person handle conflict when it comes up? Can we get along even when we disagree?
• Is our relationship equally important to both of us?

To help your teen learn connection-boosting healthy habits like these, download Lucero. It’s a gamified wellness app that builds emotional regulation skills and self-care habits in just a few minutes a day. Lucero is the most fun and engaging way for teens to gain healthy habits with bite-sized content co-created by experts and tweens and teens themselves.

1. Encourage extracurriculars. 

Extracurricular activities are the perfect place for teens to make friends because the structure they provide can strengthen friendships. It’s easier, for example, for shy teens to start conversations with others who have similar interests and schedules. Working towards shared goals helps teens bond and learn to support each other. Extracurricular activities also include built-in support from parents, coaches, or teachers– helpful for things like dealing with conflict. And friends who are passionate about the same things are more likely to motivate your teen to do their best. In short, when your teen finds their niche, they’re also likely to grow great friendships.

2. Advocate for authenticity.

Authenticity means being true to your own identity and values: not always easy when teens are still figuring that stuff out for themselves. But parents can remind teens the importance of being their whole selves and the difference between fitting in and belonging. According to researcher Dr. Brené Brown, “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” Teach your teen to do a gut-check whenever they’re uncertain: “Do I feel safe being my whole self around this person? Is there any part of me that’s not welcome or supported?” Encourage your teen to reserve their inner circle for friends who have earned their trust and with whom they can be authentic.

3. Teach them how to handle conflict.

Because friendships form such an important part of their identity, conflict feels like a major crisis when teens aren’t prepared to deal with it. But when relationships are strong, conflict can actually make them even better. Nothing builds trust and helps us understand each other like resolving a disagreement. First, equip your teen to feel, talk about, and take responsibility for their own emotions. Share tools like mindful breathing for self-care and self-regulation. And when conflict comes up at home, practice basic skills like active listening, using “I” statements, and offering honest apologies. This helps teens manage the stress of conflict and feel empowered to deal with it in a proactive way.

4. Prioritize positivity.

Sometimes teens pick friends who cause concern. Maybe they behave disrespectfully, use language you’re not comfortable with, or just seem a little too mature for your teen. In cases like these, immediately forbidding a friendship will probably cause your teen to respond with anger and resistance. Instead, stay engaged by asking questions, like what they admire about that person and what they enjoy doing together. Invite their friends to join in family gatherings, and get to know them by asking genuinely curious questions. Often, teens who are a little rough around the edges just aren’t used to interacting with a caring adult. Your presence might be enough to bring out the best in them. And if there’s a real reason for concern, you’ll see it sooner.

5. Support their style of socializing.

Some teens are social butterflies; others prefer quiet hangouts with their best friend or a small group. Some sign up for every after-school activity, others find their tribe in online communities. Just remember that teen friendship is about quality, not quantity. Researchers say having just one or two close friendships can be as good or better than having a large group of friends And while online friendships are fine, teens do need IRL relationships to develop social skills. Whatever their socializing style, make sure your teen knows their friendships matter to you. Let them know you’re happy to host, drive, or help plan things they think would be fun. Get to know their friends and what matters most to them. Give them opportunities to make their own choices while knowing you always have their back.

1. Understand intuition and talk about it with your teen. 

Research shows that intuitive thinking is automatic and subconscious, drawing from past experiences, emotions, and bodily sensations. Analytical or logical thinking is slower and more conscious. Both ways of thinking are important, but we tend to overestimate logic and downplay intuition. Talking to your teen about intuition helps them develop awareness of their deeper emotions, sensations, and instincts. Ask them how they feel, not just what they think. Share your own intuitive hunches. Teach them to pause and check in with their feelings and sensations before making a decision. If they feel tense, queasy, or uncertain, it’s a sign to wait or make a different choice. If they feel calm, happy, and secure, these are better signs they are on the right track.

2. Give them the gift of your trust. 

As teens become more independent, they learn a lot about trust: what people and situations are safe or unsafe, how much to share, and above all, how to trust themselves to make the right choices. You can help by demonstrating trust in their internal navigation system. If, for example, your teen is reserved or standoffish around a certain person, ask them what’s going on instead of automatically pressuring them to be polite. Be aware of any tendencies to “override” their inner guidance, and talk through their decisions with them so you both understand how they feel and why. You honoring their intuition is a big part of teens learning to trust themselves.

3. Help them put fear in its proper place. 

Security expert and author Gavin de Becker says our intuitive minds pick up subtle signs of danger, so some forms of fear help us to stay safe. Teens need to know that there’s a difference between fears that hold them back and fears that protect them from harm. Unhelpful fear tells them to avoid risk even when it\’s likely to lead to growth and there’s no real threat to their safety. It may show up as feelings of worry about what others will think, repetitive anxious thoughts, or “catastrophizing.” Helpful fear is a gut-level instinct that clearly says “something isn’t right,” even if they’re not sure what that is. Parents can teach teens to discern between the two types of fear and let them know that it’s always the right decision to trust their instincts if a situation doesn’t feel safe.

4. Help them find ways to calm their minds and find flow. 

Researchers agree that a busy mind impedes intuition. Timeouts from technology, homework, and packed schedules give teens time to be creative, play, and daydream – all activities that encourage intuition. Simple mindfulness practices like a body scan or box breathing teach teens how to disengage from their thoughts and access their felt senses. Rhythmic movement – everything from running to dance to knitting to playing an instrument – can help bring their minds and bodies together in a state of intuition-inducing flow. Even downtime spent playing with pets, taking a walk, or stargazing can calm anxious thoughts and help teens connect with their intuition.

5. Teach them how to ask their intuition for guidance. 

When teens are struggling with a problem or a decision, let them know that they can ask their intuition to guide them. It’s as simple as holding the question in their minds while they sit quietly or go for a walk, just noticing what insights come up. If they don’t get an answer, let them know that sometimes intuition speaks up when we least expect it, after a good night’s sleep or when we’ve forgotten all about a problem and are focused on something else entirely. Journaling can also help teens explore their inner experience. Two intuition-building journal prompts are, “What do I need to know right now?” and “What is this feeling here to teach me?” With practice, teens can learn how to find validation inside themselves instead of looking for it externally from others.

Teens who know how to tune into their intuition have a powerful internal ally that helps them be confident, stay safe, and make positive, empowered choices. Best of all, parents can relax when they know their kids are navigating with intuitive intelligence towards their own highest good.

Active listening is listening like you mean it: you’re completely present and open to what the other person is sharing, and they know you care about what they have to say. According to the Center for Parenting Education, “Active listening is a very sophisticated skill that can take years to master. Because you may not have been raised in a home in which this kind of listening was practiced and because very little of it occurs in our society, it can feel like you are learning a second language.” While active listening may be a challenge to master, it’s a real game-changer with teens. Here are five active listening skills you can put into practice today:

1. Make sure you’re “all ears.”

The single most powerful way to upgrade your listening skills is to practice being fully present. Life is busy, fast-paced, and full of distractions, and that makes it tough to tune in to our teens. But nothing says “I’m here for you” like focusing your full attention on your teen. When they’re talking to you, stop multitasking and try to eliminate distractions (put down your phone, silence notifications, or turn off the car radio). Notice if you’re thinking about the past, the future, or your to-do list. If you’re feeling scattered, take a few slow, deep breaths and bring your attention back to the present moment.

2. Pay attention to your body language.

Body language says a lot about how well we’re listening. When your teen is talking, turn toward them and lean in slightly. Smile, nod, and mirror their facial expressions to let them know you empathize. Most teens appreciate eye contact, but if they’re feeling shy or sharing a sensitive subject, they may prefer to be side-by-side. (Lots of parents have great talks with teens while driving.) A pat on the back or a gentle arm squeeze also feels good to teens who like physical affection.

3. Try not to interrupt or give advice (until they ask for it).

Parents have a lot more life experience than kids, and we’d do anything to protect them from the pain of misjudgments and mistakes. It’s common for parents to listen until we think we get the gist and then step in with our own ideas, but that can leave teens feeling unheard. Try to just listen until your teen is done talking, and wait a little longer than usual before you speak up. If they don’t ask for your perspective, you can say, “I have an idea about that if you’re open to hearing it.” With active listening, you don’t have to have all the answers. Think of it like teaching your teen to drive: you can sit beside them and offer support, but they’re the one who steers.

4. Reflect back what you’re hearing.

Another active listening upgrade is to paraphrase what your teen tells you and repeat it back to them. This can feel awkward at first, but it lets teens know you really get what they’re saying – or gives them a chance to clarify. For example, if your teen says, “I hate Olivia! She told everybody I got a C on the test and I feel so stupid,” you can reflect back: “You must feel embarrassed and angry that she shared information you wanted to keep private. It’s hard when a friend lets you down like that.”

5. Ask the right kind of questions.

Make sure your questions are non-judgmental and clarifying. Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than a question that sounds like criticism: What were you thinking?! Clarifying questions seek a better understanding of the message your teen wants to get across. You might ask them to clarify facts about what happened or say more about how they feel. By avoiding the feeling of judgment, clarifying questions give teens an opportunity to self-reflect, see the situation in a new light, and think about possible next steps. Clarifying questions gently guide teens toward deeper understanding and self-awareness while keeping their sense of autonomy intact.

Practicing these five skills lets your teen know that you care about them, respect them, and value what they have to say, so they’re more likely to listen when it’s your turn to talk. And best of all, active listening will deepen your teen’s trust in you, ensuring that you’re the one they turn to when they need a listening ear or a helping hand. 

We set out to discover what growth-oriented parents do differently and came up with four surprising insights:

They compliment with care. When you praise your child, which of their qualities do you compliment? Praise carries subtle implications about what we value. If parents praise perfection, it may send the message that mistakes are not ok. If we only encourage kids to do things they’re already good at, they may assume that we think they’ll fail at something new. You can help your kids cultivate courage by complimenting their persistence, effort, hard work, bravery, resilience, and willingness to learn from a mistake. Let them know you’re proud of them when they try new things and take risks, whether or not they succeed. Your encouragement and validation helps them feel successful even when they fall short of a goal.

They know that teens’ brains are “works in progress.” Growth mindset researchers tell us that teens’ brains are still forming, constantly making new neural connections and pruning away underused ones. After the first three years of life, early adolescence is the second most active neurological phase of the human lifespan, and major changes keep happening in the brain throughout the teen years. As they make positive decisions, learn new things, and bounce back from mistakes, they’re literally crafting their adult brain to be resilient. Knowing this can help both of you relax your fears of failure and remember the power of persistence.

They don’t “helicopter” parent. Helicopter parenting tends to backfire. It signals to teens that 1) they’re not capable of solving problems on their own, and 2) you don’t trust them. Parents who nurture a growth mindset monitor their own anxiety and remember that in addition to keeping their kids safe, they’re also helping them grow into strong, independent adults. Practice not rushing to the rescue every time something doesn’t work out. Talk to your teen about why it’s sometimes so hard for you to let go…that way, they know you’re motivated by care, not control.

They ease up–on themselves. How do you react when you make a mistake? If you get angry or mutter, “I can’t believe I did that; I’m so stupid,” remember that your teen is paying attention. Instead of criticizing yourself, practice self-compassion. If appropriate, see if you can find some humor in the situation. Then look for and talk about what you learned from the mistake. Teens are often relieved when their parents are willing to be vulnerable with their imperfections and grateful when they hold themselves accountable. Letting your kids see you keep trying and growing – even when it’s messy – may be the very best example of a growth mindset you give them.

The benefits of a growth mindset are many: more courage and willingness to stretch for goals, higher motivation, better relationships, and lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. A growth mindset is one of the most significant predictors of success and well-being for young people. Don’t underestimate the impact of your parenting in helping your teen develop a lifelong commitment to a growth mindset.

Originally published on Personalexcellence.org