teenagers – Lucero Speaks

How to Help Teens Manage Emotions

Jillian — Tue, 25 Oct 2022 17:16:51 +0000

A day in the life of a teenager can feel like an emotional rollercoaster– for them and for their parents. Teens sometimes shift rapidly from elation to frustration, excitement to anxiety, and joy to despair, and those feelings are often complex and confusing. Emotional intensity is normal during adolescence, says psychologist Erik Nook, and so is “more murkiness in what emotions one is feeling.” But with a few simple tools, teens can learn to self-regulate when their feelings run away with them. Here are our six top techniques to help teens navigate the emotional highs, lows, twists and turns.

1. Practice Bubble Breathing

Deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, a network of nerves that helps the body relax after periods of stress. Taking deep, slow breaths immediately lowers the heart rate, releases muscle tension, and delivers oxygen to the brain, so teens feel calmer and think more clearly. Teach teens to try bubble breathing as soon as they notice they’re feeling dysregulated: Breathe in slowly through your nose for 4 seconds. Then breathe out slowly through your mouth for 6 seconds, imagining that you’re blowing a big bubble. Repeat as many times as you need to feel more relaxed and in control.

2. Label Your Emotions

Emotional differentiation – the ability to separate and identify different emotions – is associated with better mental health and more positive coping strategies. A recent study found that teens demonstrate less emotional differentiation than younger children or adults, probably because our emotions get more complex as we get older but it takes time for the brain to develop the skills of self-regulation. Differentiation starts with “naming and claiming” emotions. Help your teen master this skill by giving them a rich vocabulary to describe their feelings. The Periodic Table of Human Emotions poster is a fun way to help teens articulate exactly what they’re feeling.

3. Ask “What’s the Message?”

Emotions are messages, and all emotions – even the difficult ones – are valuable. Remind your teen of all the ways emotions guide us and provide information: They help us understand when a boundary has been crossed or a situation isn’t safe. They allow us to empathize and connect with others, and let us know when we need to have compassion for ourselves. Teach teens that once they know what they’re feeling, they can ask themselves, “What’s the message here?” When the message behind an emotion is clear, teens make decisions about how to act from a more empowered place.

4. Remember: You’re Not Your Feelings

Think about how we usually express emotions: “I’m so happy!” or “I’m angry right now.” When feelings run high, it’s easy to feel like we are whatever emotion we’re experiencing. Teens need to know that they are much more than their emotions. To remind them, teach them this mindfulness metaphor: Watch how your feelings come and go like the weather. Some days the sky is sunny and sometimes it’s stormy. But behind the weather, it’s always calm, still, and peaceful. You are like the sky, and your emotions are like the weather.

5. Vent the Right Way

Mad, stressed, or anxious teens often want to let it all out, but venting can make the situation worse if it’s not done in the right way. Psychologist Jill Suttie says “encouraging people to act out their anger makes them relive it in their bodies, strengthening the neural pathways for anger and making it easier to get angry the next time around… the same is true of grief or anxiety following trauma… If we simply relive our experience without finding some way to soothe ourselves or find meaning, it could extend our suffering.” Teens need to learn how to calm chaotic emotions, stay focused on solutions, avoid amplifying drama, and talk to someone they trust to help them work it out.

6. Affirm Your Strengths, Values and Purpose

When emotions are all over the place, teens need to know they have a solid foundation that doesn\’t shift. Grounding can be found in remembering their positive qualities and all the things that make their lives meaningful. Research shows that writing down affirmations about core values, sense of purpose, and personal strengths improves self-esteem and self-regulation. Encourage your teen to make a list that includes five things that give them purpose, their top five values, and five strengths they appreciate in themselves, then post it where they’ll see it often. When they feel overwhelmed by emotions, reading the list will help them find their footing.

The Secret of Getting Teens to Listen

Jillian — Tue, 13 Sep 2022 19:17:57 +0000

If you ever wonder if your teen’s ears have an off switch, you’re not alone. What’s the secret to getting teens to listen? One strategy experts agree on is for parents to improve their own listening skills. Most of us think we’re pretty good listeners, but our body language, choice of words, and tone of voice may send a different message. And when our teens think we don’t listen to them, they’re far less likely to listen to us.

Active listening is listening like you mean it: you’re completely present and open to what the other person is sharing, and they know you care about what they have to say. According to the Center for Parenting Education, “Active listening is a very sophisticated skill that can take years to master. Because you may not have been raised in a home in which this kind of listening was practiced and because very little of it occurs in our society, it can feel like you are learning a second language.” While active listening may be a challenge to master, it’s a real game-changer with teens. Here are five active listening skills you can put into practice today:

1. Make sure you’re “all ears.”

The single most powerful way to upgrade your listening skills is to practice being fully present. Life is busy, fast-paced, and full of distractions, and that makes it tough to tune in to our teens. But nothing says “I’m here for you” like focusing your full attention on your teen. When they’re talking to you, stop multitasking and try to eliminate distractions (put down your phone, silence notifications, or turn off the car radio). Notice if you’re thinking about the past, the future, or your to-do list. If you’re feeling scattered, take a few slow, deep breaths and bring your attention back to the present moment.

2. Pay attention to your body language.

Body language says a lot about how well we’re listening. When your teen is talking, turn toward them and lean in slightly. Smile, nod, and mirror their facial expressions to let them know you empathize. Most teens appreciate eye contact, but if they’re feeling shy or sharing a sensitive subject, they may prefer to be side-by-side. (Lots of parents have great talks with teens while driving.) A pat on the back or a gentle arm squeeze also feels good to teens who like physical affection.

3. Try not to interrupt or give advice (until they ask for it).

Parents have a lot more life experience than kids, and we’d do anything to protect them from the pain of misjudgments and mistakes. It’s common for parents to listen until we think we get the gist and then step in with our own ideas, but that can leave teens feeling unheard. Try to just listen until your teen is done talking, and wait a little longer than usual before you speak up. If they don’t ask for your perspective, you can say, “I have an idea about that if you’re open to hearing it.” With active listening, you don’t have to have all the answers. Think of it like teaching your teen to drive: you can sit beside them and offer support, but they’re the one who steers.

4. Reflect back what you’re hearing.

Another active listening upgrade is to paraphrase what your teen tells you and repeat it back to them. This can feel awkward at first, but it lets teens know you really get what they’re saying – or gives them a chance to clarify. For example, if your teen says, “I hate Olivia! She told everybody I got a C on the test and I feel so stupid,” you can reflect back: “You must feel embarrassed and angry that she shared information you wanted to keep private. It’s hard when a friend lets you down like that.”

5. Ask the right kind of questions.

Make sure your questions are non-judgmental and clarifying. Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than a question that sounds like criticism: What were you thinking?! Clarifying questions seek a better understanding of the message your teen wants to get across. You might ask them to clarify facts about what happened or say more about how they feel. By avoiding the feeling of judgment, clarifying questions give teens an opportunity to self-reflect, see the situation in a new light, and think about possible next steps. Clarifying questions gently guide teens toward deeper understanding and self-awareness while keeping their sense of autonomy intact.

Practicing these five skills lets your teen know that you care about them, respect them, and value what they have to say, so they’re more likely to listen when it’s your turn to talk. And best of all, active listening will deepen your teen’s trust in you, ensuring that you’re the one they turn to when they need a listening ear or a helping hand.

Turning Negative Self-Talk into Confidence

Jillian — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 18:48:42 +0000

“I can’t believe I missed that goal. I suck at hockey.”

“I’m so fat. Nobody will ever like me.”

“I’m going to bomb my algebra test… and probably the whole semester.”

If you\’re the parent of a teenager, chances are, you hear more than your fair share of negative self-talk. All teens (and let’s face it: adults, too!) are moody, cranky, and self-critical sometimes. But while some negative self-talk is normal, studies show that if taken too far, it leads to higher levels of stress, depression, and anxiety in adolescents. It also affects their academic performance, social well-being, and long-term self-esteem.

Since negative self-talk can be a sign of more serious depression or anxiety, parents should pay attention. But for most teens, know that negative self-talk is a habit that can be changed. Parents can teach teens to become more aware of their self-talk and transform self-criticism into self-confidence. Here are our favorite tips for turning teens’ negative self-talk around:

Notice. Don’t judge. As they go about their daily lives, teens can learn to pay attention to how their inner voice interprets their experiences. The key is to just observe at first, without judging themselves or their thoughts. According to psychologist Mary Alvord, “the idea is not to squelch the negative thought. Research has found that attempted ‘thought stopping’ can actually make the idea stickier. Rather, you want your child to face the thought, thoroughly examine it and replace it with a more realistic and helpful perspective.”

Examine negative self-talk. Taking some time to self-reflect gives teens valuable information about what’s going on in their minds and emotions. Sometimes negative self-talk reveals an actual problem. Maybe they’re dealing with test anxiety, feeling insecure about a friendship, or struggling with a transition. If you hear your teen repeat the same self-talk several times, mention it: “I noticed you’ve been really hard on yourself lately when you’re talking about try-outs. Want to talk about it?” When teens understand the feelings underneath their self-talk, they are empowered to be proactive and find a real-world solution, like asking someone they trust for support.

Reframe negative self-talk. Once they understand where their negative self-talk is coming from, teens can use the following steps to reframe it:

Evaluate the evidence. Ask: What are the actual facts? What evidence do I have that my negative thought is true? Is there evidence that it is untrue? How does the evidence stack up?
Seek alternate explanations and perspectives. Ask: Is there another explanation for this situation? Would someone else look at this situation in a different way? Is there another way I could look at this situation?
Practice self-compassion: Ask: What would I say to a good friend in this situation? What would a good friend say to me? How would I think about this situation if I had my own best interests at heart?
Create an affirmation: Flip the negative self-talk into a positive affirmation by stating the opposite. “This is too hard for me” becomes “ I like challenges,” and “I really screwed up” becomes “I choose to learn from my mistakes and not let them limit me.” When teens are trapped in negativity, affirmations help them reprogram their thinking with a positive outlook.

Visualize their ideal outcome. When they’re focused on everything that could go wrong, ask your teen to imagine the best thing that could happen instead. Teach them to picture their ideal outcome and then feel the good feelings that wash over them. The combination of positive mental imagery and emotional engagement builds self-confidence and edges out negative thinking.

Practice goal-oriented thinking. Self-talk can help teens reach their goals or it can hold them back. Goal-oriented thinking means listening to self-talk and asking, “Is this way of thinking helping me achieve my goals?” If not, teens can reframe it to aim in the direction they want to go in. Having a big goal is motivating, and upgrading their self-talk is one of the steps teens can take to get closer to achieving it.

Turning negative self-talk around helps teens feel more confident, motivated, and optimistic. It helps them handle everyday stress in a more constructive way and supports mental and emotional well-being. By practicing these steps, teens learn that they have the power to shape their reality from the inside out, one positive thought at a time.

3 Mini-Meditations for Teens

Jillian — Sat, 30 Apr 2022 18:15:32 +0000

Teens today have a lot of reasons to feel stressed. Mindfulness – paying attention to the present moment – is one of the best ways to deal with stress, but kids, like adults, often find it challenging to adopt new habits, especially when stress levels are already high.

We recommend starting small with strategies that target the source of their stress. Over time, implementing one or two of these mini-meditations can help your teen learn how to be positive and proactive when it comes to managing stress.

If your teen struggles with anxiety, try box breathing.

Picture a square box. Inhale to a count of four as you trace one of the sides of the box in your mind’s eye. Follow the line of the box as you exhale to a count of four. Inhale… and exhale… each time, matching the rhythm of your breath to four counts. Set a timer and practice box breathing for at least one minute, or longer if it helps.

Paying attention to your breathing is Mindfulness 101. Adding the four-count rhythm and focusing on the box helps your teen create a “safe container” for their attention, so they can regain control of their runaway thoughts. And their slow, controlled breathing deactivates the sympathetic nervous system’s “fight or flight” response, which signals the body to breathe shallowly and increase heart rate. Box breathing basically hacks the nervous system, with a reassuring “Relax, I’ve got this.”

We recommend box breathing for any form of anxiety. It’s super-supportive for teens to get calm and focused before a test, performance, game, or other high-intensity events.

If your teen struggles with self-esteem, try self-compassion.

Is there an area of your life where you could be kinder to yourself? Think about the feelings that come up when you judge yourself and follow the steps below. Allow 3-5 minutes. (Based on the work of Karen Bluth, Ph.D. as part of the Mindful Self-Compassion for Teens course from the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion):

Feel your feelings, including your emotions and physical sensations. Just notice what it’s like right now – let go of judging yourself. Say, “Right now, I’m struggling,” or “Right now, this is hard,” or, “This sucks,” or whatever feels right to acknowledge your feelings.
Now remember that you’re a human being, and all human beings struggle and suffer sometimes. It’s tough to go through something hard, but it also means that you’re connected to others who have been there, too. Acknowledge that: “This is normal,” or “I’m not alone in this,” or “Other people feel this way, too.”
Now think about what you would say to a good friend who was going through the same thing. Be that friend for yourself. Place one or both hands on your heart. Say, “May I be kind to myself,” or “I accept and love myself just as I am,” or whatever you need to hear to feel supported.
Sit for a moment with the feeling of being connected to others and to yourself, and having compassion for whatever it is you’re going through. Breathe the feeling of compassion through your body and mind, and notice what changes in your emotions and physical body when you do.

According to the Berkeley-based Greater Good Science Center, “As their cognitive capabilities grow… teens become more self-aware and, ultimately, more self-conscious. This can breed harsh self-criticism, so the need for self-compassion among teens is crucial.” Self-compassion is great for any source of stress, but it’s especially helpful for teens who have a tendency to be hard on themselves, or who have been bullied or picked on by peers. Teens who practice self-compassion report less depression and more feelings of resilience and gratitude – a huge boost in well-being from this one simple strategy.

If your teen struggles with attention and focus, try moving meditation.

The magic of mindfulness means you can practice any time, doing anything! Meditation doesn’t have to mean sitting still. High-energy teens can still reap the benefits of moving mediation.

Pick an activity you like to do – it could be running, biking, yoga, dance, or something that’s part of a sport you play, like dribbling a basketball or kicking a soccer ball. The best activities are rhythmic, so you can match your movement to your breath. Try doing that activity while paying attention to your breathing. If you notice your mind starting to wander, just bring it back to your breath. While you’re breathing, check in with how your body feels. See if you can make the rhythm of your body match the rhythm of your breath. Do this for 3-5 minutes – longer if it feels good.

Like box breathing, moving meditation gives teens a point of focus and clears away distracting thoughts. Mindful movement keeps the body and brain engaged together, and teaches kids to direct their focus and channel their energy. This is a super-strategy for high-energy, focus-challenged kids, empowering them with self-awareness and self-control.

Whatever the practice, even small doses of mindfulness are proven to help teens reduce their stress and anxiety and increase attention, concentration, self-esteem, and empathy. Once you and your teen are clear about the source of their stress, you can team up to target it. Mindfulness is not one-size-fits-all, so there are a million ways to practice. That means there’s a mediation out there that’s perfect for your one-of-a-kind kid.

Nurturing Empathy in Your Teen

Jillian — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 17:46:18 +0000

The teen years can be turbulent. Parents often report that at the onset of adolescence, their kids undergo a sudden shift in attitudes and behavior. Even kind, thoughtful kids may become demanding, insensitive, and selfish at times. Parents can take heart in the understanding that teenage brains are still developing the foundations of empathy and require guidance and patience to fully develop.

Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand the emotions of others. When we see someone in pain, we can imagine their pain in a vivid, personal way, and we feel compassion. Psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman have identified three types of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate.

Cognitive empathy is the ability to see another person’s perspective.
Emotional empathy is the ability to understand another person’s feelings.
Compassionate empathy is the capacity to both feel the feelings and take action to help, if needed.

Each of these types of empathy is foundational to teens’ self-control, problem-solving skills, and overall social and emotional well-being.

Researchers once believed that cognitive and emotional empathy formed in childhood. More recent research, however, confirms that empathy skills are still developing during the teen years. Cognitive empathy begins rising in girls at about age 13, but boys don’t demonstrate an increase until around age 15. Boys also undergo a temporary drop in emotional empathy between the ages of 13 and 16. And regardless of gender, all teens are doing the hard work of individuation – developing a distinct, individual identity – which can temporarily lead to more self-focused attitudes and behavior. In short, teens are still figuring empathy out, and are bound to make a few mistakes.

When dealing with teenage turbulence, parents can encourage empathy with strategies that both accept kids where they are and help them establish healthy perspectives. Here are five of our favorite empathy amplifiers:

Talk about feelings. It sounds simple, but just reminding teens that feelings matter can help them develop greater empathy. This means talking about their feelings, your feelings, and the feelings of others. Personal experiences as well as current events offer plenty of opportunities for perspective-taking. Ask teens what they notice about others’ body language, tone of voice, and behavior. This encourages them to consider the feelings of others and develop a rich emotional vocabulary.

Describe different points of view. Ask your teen what they think other people are feeling in different situations. It helps to start the conversation when they’re observers rather than participants so they’re less emotionally involved; this builds their capacity to understand another’s perspective when they’re in the middle of a conflict.

Identify unmet needs. Most negative behavior, including bullying, is an attempt to get needs met. When teens understand different points of view, they can take a step back and ask themselves, “if this person is behaving in this way, what needs are they trying to meet?” In time, teens can become more adept at understanding their own needs and expressing them in words rather than acting out.

Model connection and compassion. As always, teens are paying attention to the example set by their parents. Simple gestures, like putting away your phone when having a conversation, asking genuinely curious questions when talking to your teen’s friends, lending a hand in your community, and doing random acts of kindness say a lot about the importance of empathy.

Volunteer together. Family volunteering has many benefits, one of which is helping teens develop empathy. Volunteering is an opportunity for teens to experience differences in perspectives and life experience, as well as to find common ground and become part of a team. It also introduces them to the empowering, heartwarming emotions we experience when helping others.

When confronted with teenage moodiness, eye-rolling, or door-slamming, parents sometimes just have to take a deep breath and remember it’s all a part of normal neurological development. With a little patience and the above empathy-building strategies, we can steer teens towards kindness and compassion and trust that they will continue to grow in their ability to express and extend empathy.

Originally published at Personalexcellence.org.

Raising Your Teen to Have a Growth Mindset

Jake Shumaker — Sat, 23 Apr 2022 17:41:58 +0000

After decades of groundbreaking research Stanford University psychologist Carol S. Dweck discovered the simple but groundbreaking concept of mindset. People with a fixed mindset—those who believe that abilities are fixed—are less likely to flourish than those with a growth mindset—those who believe that abilities can be developed. Information about what a growth mindset looks like in teens is plentiful, but it often overlooks the role parents play in shaping the mindsets of their kids.

We set out to discover what growth-oriented parents do differently and came up with four surprising insights:

They compliment with care. When you praise your child, which of their qualities do you compliment? Praise carries subtle implications about what we value. If parents praise perfection, it may send the message that mistakes are not ok. If we only encourage kids to do things they’re already good at, they may assume that we think they’ll fail at something new. You can help your kids cultivate courage by complimenting their persistence, effort, hard work, bravery, resilience, and willingness to learn from a mistake. Let them know you’re proud of them when they try new things and take risks, whether or not they succeed. Your encouragement and validation helps them feel successful even when they fall short of a goal.

They know that teens’ brains are “works in progress.” Growth mindset researchers tell us that teens’ brains are still forming, constantly making new neural connections and pruning away underused ones. After the first three years of life, early adolescence is the second most active neurological phase of the human lifespan, and major changes keep happening in the brain throughout the teen years. As they make positive decisions, learn new things, and bounce back from mistakes, they’re literally crafting their adult brain to be resilient. Knowing this can help both of you relax your fears of failure and remember the power of persistence.

They don’t “helicopter” parent. Helicopter parenting tends to backfire. It signals to teens that 1) they’re not capable of solving problems on their own, and 2) you don’t trust them. Parents who nurture a growth mindset monitor their own anxiety and remember that in addition to keeping their kids safe, they’re also helping them grow into strong, independent adults. Practice not rushing to the rescue every time something doesn’t work out. Talk to your teen about why it’s sometimes so hard for you to let go…that way, they know you’re motivated by care, not control.

They ease up–on themselves. How do you react when you make a mistake? If you get angry or mutter, “I can’t believe I did that; I’m so stupid,” remember that your teen is paying attention. Instead of criticizing yourself, practice self-compassion. If appropriate, see if you can find some humor in the situation. Then look for and talk about what you learned from the mistake. Teens are often relieved when their parents are willing to be vulnerable with their imperfections and grateful when they hold themselves accountable. Letting your kids see you keep trying and growing – even when it’s messy – may be the very best example of a growth mindset you give them.

The benefits of a growth mindset are many: more courage and willingness to stretch for goals, higher motivation, better relationships, and lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. A growth mindset is one of the most significant predictors of success and well-being for young people. Don’t underestimate the impact of your parenting in helping your teen develop a lifelong commitment to a growth mindset.

Originally published on Personalexcellence.org

How to Spark Your Teen’s Creativity

Jake Shumaker — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 08:36:33 +0000

If you want to be inspired, take a look at what teenagers are up to these days. Creative teens are starting global movements and trends. They are becoming inventors, artists, authors, activists, and entrepreneurs.Teens are redefining the world as we know it, and they’re just getting started!

What makes these visionary kids so capable? Neuroscience says that teens have a creative edge: brains that are developmentally primed for learning new skills and abilities, making connections, and divergent thinking. Teens are also more inclined than adults to take risks. When it comes to creative problem solving, that’s a very good thing. As a parent, you can play a powerful role in sparking and protecting kids’ creativity. Here’s how you can help them do it.

Prioritize passion. Creativity researcher E. Paul Torrence says, “One of the most powerful wellsprings of creative energy, outstanding accomplishment, and self-fulfillment seems to be falling in love with something.” Many highly creative people describe having experienced a moment of discovery that felt like love at first sight: a combination of fascination and the feeling of “this is what I am here to do.” Help your teen find their flow by giving them lots of opportunities to explore and develop their interests.
Don’t underestimate curiosity. Many teens have a bunch of interests or jump constantly from one activity to another. Passion fuels creativity, but so does curiosity. Think of your teen as an explorer. It’s not your job to tell them where to go, but you can equip them for the journey and celebrate their discoveries. The more exploring they do, the more likely they are to find their own path to purpose.
Ensure unstructured time. Kids today are as over-scheduled as their parents. But creativity researcher Scott Kaufman insists that daydreaming is not a waste of time. He suggests that daydreaming is a kind of “incubator” for creativity and that all of us should allow our minds to wander from time to time. Encourage unstructured time first by making sure your teen knows it\’s ok to be unproductive. Then help them build boundaries to protect against over-scheduling.
Let them be weird. Highly creative teens tend to be more individualistic than most, and that can be worrying for some parents. “It’s my job to protect my daughter, and I was afraid she was going to be bullied,” says one mom whose 13-year-old suddenly started wearing anime-inspired outfits and making her own clothes and jewelry. “But she’s completely confident in her choices, so I support her.” As parents, we want to spare our kids from the adolescent awkwardness we remember all too well – but stepping back and letting them experiment will build their creative courage.
Help them take creative risks. Whether your teen is cautious or bold, you can help them recognize that taking a risk is a choice and they’re ultimately in charge of their decision. Asking simple questions like, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” and “What’s the best thing that could happen?” and talking through options helps kids learn to trust themselves in taking that creative leap.
Create together. When was the last time you got to do something creative? As always, your teen’s most powerful example is the one you set. Make sure you’re exploring your own curiosities and nurturing your own passions while taking time to create with your teen. We know one family who turned a corner of their garage into an art studio, and now it’s their favorite place to hang out together. Ask your teen what they’re curious about and let them take the lead in figuring out a creative experience to share.

Scott Kaufman says it best: “When we embrace our own messiness–engaging with the world with our own unique imagination and artistry–we give others permission to do the same. We help create a world that is more welcoming of the creative spirit and…make it possible to find a greater connection with ourselves and others in the process.”

Originally published on Personalexcellence.org.