Why Emotional Regulation is Key

Emotional regulation is the ability to effectively manage emotions. It includes:

• Being able to self-reflect
• Feel emotions without being overwhelmed by them
• Dial down the intensity of negative feelings
• Cultivate positive feelings, and
• Feel in control of emotional experiences.

According to a brief from the Duke Center for Child and Family Policy, teens with good emotional regulation skills are better at:

• dealing with stress and frustration,
• persisting, problem-solving and delaying gratification to achieve goals,
• demonstrating compassion and concern for others in their decisions, and
• seeking help when they’re overwhelmed by stress or in a dangerous situation.

Research also suggests that emotional regulation protects teens’ long-term mental health. A 2019 study published in Brain Science found that emotional regulation skills mediate the effects of stressful life events and childhood adversity on teens’ risk for anxiety disorders and depression.

The bottom line? Emotional regulation helps teens build emotional resilience. But, because there are so many biological, neurological and social factors affecting teens’ emotions, it’s important to put a plan in place to help them gain tools. Here are three strategies to focus on:

1. Practice self-awareness.

The first step in regulating emotions is being able to “name and claim” them. Teens need to know it’s ok to feel their feelings – even the uncomfortable ones. Teach your teen that emotions are information. While emotions can help teens take care of themselves and make good decisions, they\’re not permanent or reflective of who they are as individuals. Self-awareness also means identifying what triggers negative emotions and nurtures positive ones, and taking responsibility for practicing emotional self-care.

1. Reframe negative thoughts and self-talk.

Emotions are closely linked to thoughts and self-talk; for example, a thought like “Everybody else thought that class was easy, but I didn’t understand anything. I’m so dumb,” can lead to feelings of shame, anxiety and fear. Reframing teaches teens to notice their negative, self-defeating thoughts and self-talk and switch to a more positive, self-compassionate and empowering perspective: “I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s struggling. I know I can get this. I’ll ask my teacher for help tomorrow.”

1. Future-focusing.

Future-focusing teaches teens to imagine future stressful scenarios, like bumping into an ex at school or taking a big test, and map out strategies to help themselves stay calm. They can walk through a challenging situation in their minds, decide what tools they will use and picture a successful outcome. Future-focusing can also mean planning a reward for completing a tough task, like taking 10 minutes of downtime for every hour of studying. Focusing on the future empowers teens to handle stressors proactively and positively.

And here’s a fun Spark tool from the Lucero app: 

Spark has over 600 self-care ideas for 30 different emotions! One of our favorites: When your teen is dealing with a tough emotion, ask “What would you say to someone else who felt _____?” How would you help them feel better?” This simple Q&A helps teens build a toolkit of proactive solutions, and sometimes it’s easier to handle a difficult emotion when we imagine it from a different perspective.

Can something so simple really make a difference to teens? A recent study of nearly 400 11th-graders says yes. The more students practiced mindful breathing techniques, the more they reported feeling capable of managing stress. Lead researcher Deborah Schussler says that’s because mindful breathing buys teens time to take charge of their emotions. “It gives you a pause so that automatic response, which is frequently not the best response, is hijacked.” Another big plus, Schussler says, is that mindful breathing is “a portable practice that students can easily integrate anytime, anywhere.” To introduce the benefits of mindful breathing to your teen, try these four research-backed practices:

• Box Breathing 

Best for: emotional self-regulation, managing stress and anxiety

Picture a box with four equal sides. Inhale to a count of four as you mentally trace one of the sides of the box. Then hold your breath for a count of four, tracing another side. Then exhale to a count of four, and hold for a count of four. Repeat. Box breathing is used by soldiers, first responders and others to stay calm and in control in high-stress situations. It works by taming the sympathetic nervous system response, which ramps up stress hormones like cortisol as the body prepares to fight or flee. Box breathing can be used in any situation that triggers stress. It’s especially useful for teens with anxiety of any kind (like social, performance, or test anxiety) or teens who struggle to stay in control of intense emotions.

• Body Scan

Best for: relaxation, self-care, teens who have trouble winding down

A body scan meditation is usually guided by a recording, like this practice on Insight Timer. It’s a step-by-step way to relax the body by breathing deeply and focusing on one part at a time: “Bring your attention to your feet. Feel the sensations of your feet resting against the floor, the texture of your socks. Maybe wiggle your toes. Now imagine that you can send your breath down into your feet, relaxing them completely as you exhale.” When teens are tense, they tend to hold their breath. Shallow breathing stimulates the amygdala, the part of the brain that’s responsible for processing stressful stimuli, and makes it even harder for teens to calm down. Listening to a body scan helps teens relax and can even help them fall asleep. Try doing this practice as a family to give everyone a little much-needed down-time.

• Counting Breaths

Best for: focus and concentration, neurodiverse teens

The simple technique of counting breaths can help teens train their brains to boost focus and concentration. One study asked participants to track their breaths on each exhale, counting one through nine and then starting over after the ninth breath. Not surprisingly, experienced meditators found it easier to pay attention. That means the more teens practice, the more they enhance their ability to focus. All participants reported “more self-awareness, less mind wandering, better mood and less distraction.” The results suggest that counting breaths may be especially beneficial for teens with ADHD or on the autism spectrum, as well as any teen who needs help directing attention. To track concentration with your teen, try counting up to ten breaths at a time.

• Energizing Breath

Best for: energy and alertness

Does your teen struggle to stay awake in boring classes or get tired when they’re studying? This breath practice can help them regulate the flow of oxygen in their blood, which energizes the body and makes the brain more alert. Diaphragmatic breathing or “belly breathing” engages the diaphragm by relaxing the muscles of the stomach and allowing deep, full breaths. It’s the way we should be breathing all the time, but factors like stress, hunching over phones or computers, and even sucking in our stomachs to look thinner cause us to breathe shallowly. Teach teens to inhale deeply to a count of two, then exhale to a count of two. Then inhale to a count of two, and exhale to a count of three. Continue breathing in to a count of two and extending the exhale each time until they’re exhaling to a count of five. In only about one minute, teens get an almost-instant energy uplift.