1. Start by just listening.

When your teen comes to you with a problem, Damour says it’s best to “start by assuming that they aren’t inviting suggestions, or at least are not inviting them yet.” Teens, like adults, often want someone to just listen while they talk through whatever is on their minds. Talking about a problem helps them organize their thoughts and process their emotions. If you jump in with advice too soon, teens may feel like you’re not listening and respond by getting angry or shutting down. Practice being your teen’s sounding board. Try listening a little longer than usual, and ask questions like, “Is there anything else you need to get off your chest?” You can also ask your teen to clarify what they need from you: “Is this a time when you need me to just listen, or do you want my help?”

2. Next, express empathy.

Parents feel a lot of pressure to have all the answers, but – spoiler alert – teens already know their parents aren’t perfect. When they come to you with a problem, they’re often seeking empathy instead of a solution. Empathizing lets teens know their feelings matter to you. Skipping the empathy and going straight to advice can leave them feeling alone, misunderstood, and likely to close down the conversation. Remember that developmentally, teens are experiencing lots of unfamiliar, intense emotions, and expressions of empathy can help them make sense of the uncertainty. Simple statements like, “That sounds really hard,” or “I completely understand why that upset you,” validate your teen’s feelings and let them know they have your unconditional support.

3. Ask what you can do to help.

If it feels like your teen’s brain is on autopilot to reject your advice, that’s because, well, it is. The process of individuation means teens are constantly, often subconsciously, testing the boundaries between themselves and their parents. Even your most well-intentioned and reasonable advice may sound – to them – like you’re telling them what to do, and they may reject it just to prove a point. A simple workaround is to respond with questions instead of statements – especially, “What can I do to help?” “Sometimes the best you can do is ask, ‘What can I do?’” says parenting blogger Edie Meade. “Your child may not know any more than you. They may not think they need your help. But in asking the question, a parent is extending their hand… In lieu of certainty, you offer support, sensitivity, and love.”

4. Finally, provide ideas and options.

The way you deliver advice has a big impact on your teen’s willingness to receive it. Think about how you can provide them with the tools to solve their own problems or be a partner in problem-solving, rather than trying to solve problems for them. Saying “You should ask your teacher if you can retake the test,” will cause teens to tune out faster than asking, “What do you think your teacher would say if you asked to retake the test?” You can also ask if they’d like your help brainstorming solutions, coming up with a list of pros and cons, or talking through potential outcomes. Or try the phrase, “I have an idea about that if you’d like to hear it.” Each of these responses demonstrates that you trust your teen, value their feelings and independence, and are there for support. When teens know you’re confident that they can solve their own problems, they’ll be more willing to listen to what you have to say. With the right approach, you can become your teen’s trusted confidant and guide them towards making wise choices for themselves.

1. Upgrade your own conversations.

Your teen will follow your lead, so set a good example of active listening, practicing empathy, paying attention to nonverbal cues, and asking thoughtful questions. It’s not just how you interact with them that matters– they’re also paying attention to how you talk to family, friends and complete strangers. Think about one or two small ways you could make conversations feel more meaningful to you. Is eye contact important? Authenticity? Finding common ground? Slowing down and really listening? Try a few small, intentional upgrades in your own interactions, and notice how your teen’s conversation skills grow, too.

2. Make daily check-ins a ritual.

Asking “How was your day?” is likely to get the same rote response: “Fine.” But with a little effort, daily check-ins can spark deeper connection between you and your tween or teen. Vashti is a mom of three who stumbled onto an easy afternoon ritual: after school, she makes tea for any of her teens who are home and they sit at the kitchen table and chat. She says, “The tea makes it feel special. It’s simple, but it makes us all slow down. The kids say they want a cup of tea, but I know it’s more about being together.” Rose, Bud, Thorn is another activity to encourage connection: each person shares a rose (something positive), a bud (something they’re looking forward to), and a thorn (something they need support for or feel stuck with). Or keep a deck of conversation cards in the glove box or on the dinner table to make it easy to ask more interesting questions each time you’re together.

3. Focus on the positive.

We feel safe talking to close family and friends, so that’s when we’re more likely to vent, complain or gossip. While that can feel good in the short-term, negative talk easily becomes a habit that’s hard to break. Teens need to know that it’s ok to talk about hard things and painful emotions, but it’s not helpful to get stuck in negativity. A truly meaningful conversation will help teens become more self-aware and capable of self-regulation and solving problems. Notice if conversations with your teen tend to get gloomy and practice steering them back towards silver linings, lessons learned, challenges overcome and opportunities to take meaningful action or be grateful. Listen and offer support, then empower them to find a positive perspective.

4. Build confidence with diverse connections.

Relationships shape their sense of self, so teens with more diverse connections will naturally become more self-assured communicators. If they’re only interacting with close family members and peers, they’ll be less confident when talking to anyone outside their comfort zone. Help your teen form relationships with people who come from different generations, backgrounds and perspectives. Look for extracurricular activities, service opportunities, internships or after-school jobs that encourage interaction with others and provide safety and structure. Even introverts benefit from making more varied connections; just keep the focus on relationship quality over quantity.

5. Spend quality time with them.

As teens get older, busier and more independent, shared experiences are the glue that keeps your connection close. Scheduling quality time with your teen may be a challenge, but even a little time together helps fuel your relationship. Think of your time together as an opportunity to continue (or start) traditions and make lifelong memories. Try setting aside one evening a week or one weekend day a month just for you and your teen to connect. Aim to mix activities that you both already enjoy with new ones that are a little out-of-the-box. Volunteer for a cause your teen cares about, take turns designing a “perfect” day, or do something you’ve never tried before, like going to a rage room or an improv class. Bonding over new experiences builds connection and trust and gives you and your teen tons to talk about, now and in the years to come.

Why Emotional Regulation is Key

Emotional regulation is the ability to effectively manage emotions. It includes:

• Being able to self-reflect
• Feel emotions without being overwhelmed by them
• Dial down the intensity of negative feelings
• Cultivate positive feelings, and
• Feel in control of emotional experiences.

According to a brief from the Duke Center for Child and Family Policy, teens with good emotional regulation skills are better at:

• dealing with stress and frustration,
• persisting, problem-solving and delaying gratification to achieve goals,
• demonstrating compassion and concern for others in their decisions, and
• seeking help when they’re overwhelmed by stress or in a dangerous situation.

Research also suggests that emotional regulation protects teens’ long-term mental health. A 2019 study published in Brain Science found that emotional regulation skills mediate the effects of stressful life events and childhood adversity on teens’ risk for anxiety disorders and depression.

The bottom line? Emotional regulation helps teens build emotional resilience. But, because there are so many biological, neurological and social factors affecting teens’ emotions, it’s important to put a plan in place to help them gain tools. Here are three strategies to focus on:

1. Practice self-awareness.

The first step in regulating emotions is being able to “name and claim” them. Teens need to know it’s ok to feel their feelings – even the uncomfortable ones. Teach your teen that emotions are information. While emotions can help teens take care of themselves and make good decisions, they\’re not permanent or reflective of who they are as individuals. Self-awareness also means identifying what triggers negative emotions and nurtures positive ones, and taking responsibility for practicing emotional self-care.

1. Reframe negative thoughts and self-talk.

Emotions are closely linked to thoughts and self-talk; for example, a thought like “Everybody else thought that class was easy, but I didn’t understand anything. I’m so dumb,” can lead to feelings of shame, anxiety and fear. Reframing teaches teens to notice their negative, self-defeating thoughts and self-talk and switch to a more positive, self-compassionate and empowering perspective: “I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s struggling. I know I can get this. I’ll ask my teacher for help tomorrow.”

1. Future-focusing.

Future-focusing teaches teens to imagine future stressful scenarios, like bumping into an ex at school or taking a big test, and map out strategies to help themselves stay calm. They can walk through a challenging situation in their minds, decide what tools they will use and picture a successful outcome. Future-focusing can also mean planning a reward for completing a tough task, like taking 10 minutes of downtime for every hour of studying. Focusing on the future empowers teens to handle stressors proactively and positively.

And here’s a fun Spark tool from the Lucero app: 

Spark has over 600 self-care ideas for 30 different emotions! One of our favorites: When your teen is dealing with a tough emotion, ask “What would you say to someone else who felt _____?” How would you help them feel better?” This simple Q&A helps teens build a toolkit of proactive solutions, and sometimes it’s easier to handle a difficult emotion when we imagine it from a different perspective.

As bothersome as boredom can be to kids and parents alike, researchers say it has real benefits, especially for teens. When it’s understood and managed, boredom can boost brain connectivity, serve as a catalyst for positive change, and even motivate teens to reach their goals. With a little reframing, your teen can learn to navigate boredom and reap its rewards.

Five Types of Boredom

Boredom comes in five flavors, according to educational researcher Dr. Thomas Goetz and his team. When they studied boredom among high school and college students, they found the following:

• Indifferent boredom is the feeling of being disconnected from the external world, calm, and relaxed. Teens often experience this kind of boredom as “downtime.” It’s not necessarily negative.
• Calibrating boredom is less pleasant. This is when teens are aware that they’re bored and are open to change, but aren’t yet motivated to do anything about it. The discomfort builds until calibrating boredom becomes…
• Searching boredom: Teens become restless and frustrated and set out in search of something stimulating. If they don’t find something, searching boredom can turn into…
• Reactant boredom. Higher levels of arousal and discomfort can lead teens to act out, blame others, or attempt an “escape” from surrounding circumstances.
• Apathetic boredom is the fifth type and the most troubling, because it’s marked by feelings of depression and helplessness to change the situation.

Understanding the build-up of boredom helps teens and parents address it before it turns reactant or apathetic. The first three stages are where boredom’s secret strengths are found.

Boredom boosts brain connectivity

Researchers consider the downtime of indifferent boredom to be essential for accessing the brain’s default mode, a set of structures associated with mind-wandering, daydreaming, and creativity. When the default mode is active, regions of the brain begin to work together in new and different ways, stimulating innovation and problem solving. According to Manoush Zomorodi, author of Bored and Brilliant: How Spacing Out Can Unlock Your Most Productive and Creative Self, “This is when… our best, more original ideas get gestating, because we dip into profound and hidden reservoirs of emotion, memory, and thought. Many areas of the brain are lit up as we bring together past, present, and future to imagine entirely new realms and ways to do things.”

Ensure that your teen gets time to daydream by setting limits on screen time, making sure they’re not overscheduled, and setting a good example so they know that downtime is an important part of self-care.

Boredom is a catalyst for change

When too much downtime leads to discomfort, teens often turn their insights into inventive action. It may take a while, though, for them to realize they can change a situation. Calibrating and searching boredom provide the motivation to explore their options and reach outside their comfort zone. One mom we spoke to drew a direct line between her 16-year-old son’s super-boring summer and his decision to get a part-time job. “He realized that playing video games all day was not actually that enjoyable, and he complained about being bored for weeks. Then he suddenly decided to apply for a job at a supermarket. Now he’s working, he’s made a bunch of new friends, and he’s saving up to help buy his first car. I don’t think he would have even considered getting a job if he hadn’t been so bored first.”

Help your teen recognize that the discomfort of boredom can be fuel for finding fulfillment. And since the teenage brain doesn’t always make the most responsible decisions about how to handle boredom, parents can also set guardrails to steer kids towards positive pursuits.

Boredom builds executive function skills

Executive function includes problem solving, organization, and planning, skills teens need to set and work towards their goals. Recent research has found that boredom helps teens build executive function skills by motivating them to think about and plan for the future. Psychologists Shane W. Bench and Heather C. Lench say boredom’s purpose is “to encourage people to seek new goals and experiences.” Beyond motivation, boredom also stimulates autobiographical planning, or mapping out certain steps to reach a desired outcome. When teens are bored, they are more likely to notice the contrast between where they are and where they want to be, and then plan the steps needed to get closer to their goal.

Support your teen by asking them clarifying questions to help them see their big picture goals and the steps it might take to get there. Offer support and encouragement, but let them lead the way.

The next time you hear, “I’m bored!” consider how you can help your teen embrace boredom instead of looking for an immediate escape. With these new perspectives in mind, boredom could become the first step of their next big adventure. 

But with busy schedules, screens, and winter weather, it’s not always easy to find the time – or convince your kids – to go play outside. We get it. It’s ok to start small. Even a tiny daily dose of nature makes a big difference. Here are our top five recommendations to help our kids rebalance and reboot with nature – and help ourselves, too!

1: HANG A BIRD FEEDER

One mom we know says the purchase of a simple backyard bird feeder was a COVID game-changer for her family. “They didn’t even notice it until our (indoor) cats started watching the birds from the window. The cats were hilarious, and the kids all came out of their rooms to see what the cats were up to. Then they started to watch the birds and ask questions. Now we watch the feeder together. They all have the Song Sleuth app on their phones so they can identify birds, and they will go out and fill up the feeder when it’s empty without being asked. I never thought something so simple would make such a big difference.”

2. TRY SHINRIN-YOKU

The name of this Japanese practice translates to “forest bathing” or “absorbing the atmosphere of the forest,” and it’s basically a mindful walk in the woods. If you and your kids are already familiar with mindfulness, try taking it outside. Pick a local park, trail, or any place with abundant nature. When you get there, turn off your phones and agree to be quiet for a few minutes. Take deep breaths and become mindful of your five senses. Feel the wind on your skin and listen to it blowing through the trees. Walk slowly. Let your senses take in the peace and beauty of nature. Afterward, talk about what you saw and felt. Forest bathing is associated with lowered blood pressure and stress hormones in adults, and it’s a big stress-reducer for kids, too.

3. PLANT SOMETHING

Talk to your kids about what you could plant around your home – anything from a few houseplants to a fruit tree or a garden in the yard. See what sparks their curiosity. An 11-year-old told us all about her pet cactus (complete with googly eyes), and another family grows herbs for pizza in pots on their patio. Taking care of plants, much like pets, teaches kids empathy and responsibility and can help them de-stress through connection to the natural world.

4. GO GEOCACHING

We all love to solve mysteries. Geocaching is a high-tech treasure hunt using a smartphone app to track “caches,” or objects hidden in containers in unlikely places. Geocaching.com provides all the basics for getting started plus instructions for downloading the app. The app only gets seekers within 30 feet of a cache; after that, kids will need to turn on their detective skills and creativity to find what they are looking for. Geocaching is a totally absorbing activity for the whole family – fun, challenging, and sure to get your kids excited about nature time.

5. HANG UP SOME HAMMOCKS

A few years ago, we noticed a group of young teens hanging out with their friends in a local park – literally hanging. They had all brought hammocks and found a cozy spot between several trees to set them up together to chill on a Saturday afternoon. Hammocking or “mocking” is all about low-tech, relaxed social time. Kids can read, play games, chat, or just swing in the breeze. You can do it almost anywhere, from backyards to the park. Just make sure the park allows hammocks and go with a lightweight camping hammock like this one from Eno, so the straps don’t damage trees.

Teens need time in nature for their physical and mental well-being. It increases attention spans, creativity, problem-solving, and body awareness, and decreases stress and depression. Encouraging a connection to nature is an investment worth making. Above all, it gives them the gift of knowing that they are connected to something much larger than themselves and encourages them to be future stewards of our precious natural world.