1. Focus on feelings.

Emotional intelligence is shut down when teens learn to pretend their own or other peoples’ feelings don’t matter. Instead, they should be able to feel all of their feelings, talk openly about them, and learn how to navigate their emotional highs and lows. Help your teen develop a rich vocabulary to describe emotions. Ask clarifying questions like, “It sounds like after she said that, you felt angry and maybe a little sad… is that right?” And make sure they know that feelings are never right or wrong. Emotions are information, and all of them are valid.

2. Try on someone else’s shoes.

To develop empathy, teens need to be able to imagine how others feel. Sometimes– especially if they’re angry or hurt –that’s really hard to do. Give your teen low-pressure practice by asking them about how others might feel when their own feelings aren’t as intensely involved: “What do you think your friend was feeling in that situation? Can you imagine why they felt that way?” That helps teens get used to multiple perspectives.

3. Keep a journal.

Journaling can help teens clarify their thoughts and feelings, relieve stress and even brainstorm solutions to problems. Help your teen get started with a simple spiral notebook, a journaling app like Journey, or the self-discovery journal True You. Psychologist Alexandra Solomon suggests creating ground rules to protect teens’ privacy; for example, “Let them know that you will not read it unless you are worried about the risk of serious harm to themselves or someone else, (or) that you will never read it without asking them first.”

4. Practice active listening.

Active listening may be the single most powerful way to show your teen how much you care. And when they know what it feels like to be listened to with your full attention, they’re more likely to stay present and listen to others. Active listening is simple but not easy: Try it by putting down your devices, turning off the TV or car radio, focusing all your attention on what your teen is saying, and waiting a few seconds longer than usual to respond.

5. Take responsibility for your feelings.

Conflict is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be hurtful. In fact, conflict can lead to closer relationships by helping us understand each others’ perspectives and solve problems together. Teach teens to take responsibility for their own feelings by using “I” statements (“I feel hurt when…”) and calling out behaviors instead of people (“When I’m yelled at I…” instead of “When you yell at me…”)

6. Cultivate curiosity.

Being curious about the lives and perspectives of others helps teens develop empathy. Model friendly curiosity when you’re out in the world with your teen, for example, by chatting with cashiers or catching up with neighbors. Make sure your teen has opportunities to meet and form meaningful connections with people who are different from them. Find ways to nurture IRL relationships and help your teen learn conversation skills so they feel confident talking with others.

1. Build a strong relationship with themselves.

Teens with high self-esteem have more positive relationships, and positive relationships lead to better self-esteem. Self-esteem often takes a hit during adolescence when physical, neurological, psychological and social changes combine with increased stress and responsibility. Healthy habits that boost teens’ connection with themselves include self-reflection, self-care, journaling, positive self-talk, and getting clear about personal values and goals. Encourage your teen to think about what it means to be their own best friend– how do you talk to someone you love and care about? What would you do if that person were having a hard time? Teens who love themselves have a built-in model of a supportive relationship, so they know they deserve a high level of care and respect from others.

2. Ramp up resilience.

Healthy habits help teens build a tool-kit of coping skills to deal with stress and regulate their emotions. Each tool increases their resilience, or the ability to bounce back from and overcome adversity. According to researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown, the five most common factors of resilient people include:

• They are resourceful and have skills to solve problems.
• They are more likely to seek help.
• They believe that they can do something to manage their feelings and cope.
• They have social support.
• They are connected with others.

3. Define their \”Framily.\”

According to the Urban Dictionary, a framily includes “friends or blood relatives to whom we would actually choose to be related, because the relationship is mutually respectful, close, supporting and affectionate.” Defining their framily helps teens reframe their support systems to include all the important relationships that don’t necessarily fit into traditional roles, like their mom’s best friend who’s more like an aunt, or a youth group leader or neighbor who always looks out for them. Take some time with your teen to map out your own framily members and highlight any relationships you want to strengthen. Let those people know that they’re a part of your teen’s tribe, then plan ways that you and your teen can deepen the most important connections.

4. Get serious about radical support.

At Lucero, we define framily as any combination of youth and adults who want to radically support each other. Who are the people your teen can rely on for radical support? Those are the relationships that belong in your teen’s inner circle. Radical support means different things to different people, but some key questions your teen can ask themselves include:

• Can I be my most authentic self around this person? Do they like and love me even when I’m feeling sad, silly, vulnerable, etc.?
• Can I trust this person? Do I know they will respect my boundaries and keep what I say confidential? Are they honest with me?
• Would I feel comfortable asking this person for help or support?
• How does this person handle conflict when it comes up? Can we get along even when we disagree?
• Is our relationship equally important to both of us?

To help your teen learn connection-boosting healthy habits like these, download Lucero. It’s a gamified wellness app that builds emotional regulation skills and self-care habits in just a few minutes a day. Lucero is the most fun and engaging way for teens to gain healthy habits with bite-sized content co-created by experts and tweens and teens themselves.

1. Encourage extracurriculars. 

Extracurricular activities are the perfect place for teens to make friends because the structure they provide can strengthen friendships. It’s easier, for example, for shy teens to start conversations with others who have similar interests and schedules. Working towards shared goals helps teens bond and learn to support each other. Extracurricular activities also include built-in support from parents, coaches, or teachers– helpful for things like dealing with conflict. And friends who are passionate about the same things are more likely to motivate your teen to do their best. In short, when your teen finds their niche, they’re also likely to grow great friendships.

2. Advocate for authenticity.

Authenticity means being true to your own identity and values: not always easy when teens are still figuring that stuff out for themselves. But parents can remind teens the importance of being their whole selves and the difference between fitting in and belonging. According to researcher Dr. Brené Brown, “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” Teach your teen to do a gut-check whenever they’re uncertain: “Do I feel safe being my whole self around this person? Is there any part of me that’s not welcome or supported?” Encourage your teen to reserve their inner circle for friends who have earned their trust and with whom they can be authentic.

3. Teach them how to handle conflict.

Because friendships form such an important part of their identity, conflict feels like a major crisis when teens aren’t prepared to deal with it. But when relationships are strong, conflict can actually make them even better. Nothing builds trust and helps us understand each other like resolving a disagreement. First, equip your teen to feel, talk about, and take responsibility for their own emotions. Share tools like mindful breathing for self-care and self-regulation. And when conflict comes up at home, practice basic skills like active listening, using “I” statements, and offering honest apologies. This helps teens manage the stress of conflict and feel empowered to deal with it in a proactive way.

4. Prioritize positivity.

Sometimes teens pick friends who cause concern. Maybe they behave disrespectfully, use language you’re not comfortable with, or just seem a little too mature for your teen. In cases like these, immediately forbidding a friendship will probably cause your teen to respond with anger and resistance. Instead, stay engaged by asking questions, like what they admire about that person and what they enjoy doing together. Invite their friends to join in family gatherings, and get to know them by asking genuinely curious questions. Often, teens who are a little rough around the edges just aren’t used to interacting with a caring adult. Your presence might be enough to bring out the best in them. And if there’s a real reason for concern, you’ll see it sooner.

5. Support their style of socializing.

Some teens are social butterflies; others prefer quiet hangouts with their best friend or a small group. Some sign up for every after-school activity, others find their tribe in online communities. Just remember that teen friendship is about quality, not quantity. Researchers say having just one or two close friendships can be as good or better than having a large group of friends And while online friendships are fine, teens do need IRL relationships to develop social skills. Whatever their socializing style, make sure your teen knows their friendships matter to you. Let them know you’re happy to host, drive, or help plan things they think would be fun. Get to know their friends and what matters most to them. Give them opportunities to make their own choices while knowing you always have their back.

1. Practice positive thinking.

Confident people are almost always optimists, and optimism starts with positive thinking. Optimism is “a state of hopefulness and confidence about the future,” says Positivity Project founder Mike Erwin. “It\’s also a state we can train ourselves to adopt. We can resist pessimism, assert control, and learn to appreciate setbacks as what they really are–opportunities.” To help your teen think positively, make it a goal for the whole family to look at the bright side. That doesn’t mean ignoring problems; instead, it’s about keeping the focus on what you can control instead of what you can’t and proactively seeking solutions. Empower your teen to think creatively, solve problems and find opportunities, and their confidence will increase exponentially.

2. Get out of your comfort zone.

Confidence doesn’t mean you never feel fear, but it does mean you’re less likely to let fear hold you back. “Those who invite discomfort are able to achieve more, take more significant risks and break through barriers, and are open to facing new challenges,” says Angeli Gianchandani, founder of Mobility Girl, a platform designed to empower young people through mentorship. “Discomfort is a form of self-growth, pushing yourself mentally to overcome fear.” To help your teen lean into growth opportunities, encourage them to take risks to pursue their goals and find the lessons in mistakes and set-backs. Each time they get out of their comfort zone, they’re expanding their capacity for confidence.

3. Embrace self-care. 

Truly confident people practice self-compassion and self-care to stay strong. “Recent research has shown self-compassion was associated with self-worth,” says Michele Patterson Ford, Ph.D., a psychologist and senior lecturer in psychology at Dickinson College. “Knowing your value is an important component of feeling confident in oneself.” Self-care habits start with self-awareness, so teach your teen to check in with themselves mentally, physically and emotionally. When they know what they need, they can take steps to provide it for themselves or ask others for help. Self-care includes everything from exercising to getting enough sleep to making time to do the things you love to do. Whatever it means for your teen, make sure they know they’re worth it and support them when they take time to nurture themselves.

4. Connect with others.

Positive psychology pioneer and University of Michigan professor Christopher Peterson was famous for saying, \”I can sum up positive psychology in just three words: Other people matter.\” Numerous studies show a powerful reciprocal relationship between feeling connected to others and feeling good about ourselves. To help your teen gain confidence through connection, make sure they prioritize IRL time with friends and family. Encourage them to express gratitude and give them tools to resolve conflict. You can also make connections together by volunteering in the community. “One of the most practical ways to be more hopeful about the future is to realize that you can and do make a difference in people\’s lives,” says writer Bill Murphy, Jr. “By focusing on helping others, we gain the added benefit of increasing our own levels of happiness and optimism.”

To help your teen learn confidence-boosting healthy habits like these, download Lucero. It’s a gamified wellness app that builds emotional regulation skills and self-care habits in just a few minutes a day. Lucero is the most fun and engaging way for tweens and teens to gain healthy habits with bite-sized content co-created by experts and teens themselves.

Volunteering increases teens’ self-esteem.

Teens who spend time helping strangers get a big boost in self-esteem and self-confidence, according to a study published in the Journal of Adolescence. Teens who agreed with statements like \”I help people I don\’t know, even if it\’s not easy for me,\” and \”I voluntarily help my neighbors,\” also scored higher on questions related to self-esteem. Researchers say when teens go outside their comfort zone to help someone they don’t know, it boosts both altruism and self-assuredness. The study’s author Laura Padilla-Walker says, “Helping a stranger is more challenging than assisting a friend, and when teens take this risk, they feel more competent.”

Volunteering strengthens college applications.

Does volunteering really make a difference on college applications? In a recent survey, 58% of college admissions personnel said Yes. They agreed that “a student’s community service experience has a positive impact on his or her acceptance to our higher education institution.” Fifty-three percent said community service is a deciding factor between equally qualified students. But admissions officers aren’t just interested in what teens have done– they also want to know what teens have learned and how volunteering has impacted their worldview. The most valued volunteer experiences are those that showcase a teen’s initiative, leadership skills, capacity for teamwork, and personal growth.

Volunteering helps teens discover their purpose.

Having a sense of purpose, and even searching for purpose, protects teens’ mental health by helping them feel more hopeful, positive and satisfied with their lives. Researcher Kendall Cotton Bronk says teens most often start to develop a sense of purpose when at least one of three ingredients is present: an important life event, serving others in a meaningful way, or changes in life circumstances. Volunteering can open up all these opportunities and more. It encourages exploration, introduces teens to unfamiliar places, people, and viewpoints, and empowers them to take action. Teens who are making a difference are also developing their personal values and beliefs and figuring out what motivates them: all factors that help them discover their purpose.

Volunteering teaches teens real-world skills.

Leadership. Time management. Critical thinking. Problem solving. Volunteering teaches teens transferable skills that prepare them for college, jobs and other adult-level responsibilities. Teens can try out different careers, volunteer with organizations and individuals in a variety of fields, and get to know their own interests, likes and dislikes. Volunteering is also a great way for teens to meet potential mentors, start building their networks and make connections in the community. And as teens learn practical skills and acquire experience, they grow in both competence and confidence.

Volunteering increases empathy.

Ever heard of Selfie Syndrome? According to Michele Borba, researcher and author of Unselfie, teens today are 40% less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. Too much virtual reality can lead teens to become more isolated and self-focused. Borba says empathy is the antidote, and it can be taught and nurtured through volunteering. Teens who volunteer learn critical prosocial skills like helping, sharing, and resolving conflict. Immersed in realities that may be very different from their own, they learn to look at the world through the eyes of others. And Dr. Borba says that increasing empathy isn’t just beneficial to society: “A healthy sense of empathy is a key predictor of which kids will thrive and succeed in the future.”

1. Name and claim emotions.

In adolescence, big changes in teens’ brains, hormones, and social lives happen all at once. Teens really do experience emotions more intensely, and their prefrontal cortexes aren’t yet fully developed to help them balance their feelings with adult-level logic. Teaching them to label what they’re feeling is a powerful first step in dealing with conflict because it gives them time to pause and reflect. That helps them keep their cool and communicate from a place of self-awareness and self-responsibility.

2. Skip the silent treatment.

It’s not easy to be the one who brings up conflict, but teens need to know there’s no benefit in holding their emotions inside, sulking, or hoping a disagreement will just blow over. Teach them how to talk it out. Model a proactive approach by speaking up when the two of you are at odds. Let them know that taking steps to resolve conflict helps relationships get stronger, and that should always be the number one priority.

3. Focus on problems, not people.

Teens are often tempted to blame others for conflict: the mean teacher, selfish sibling, or catty friend. Help your teen learn to avoid attacking the person involved. Most conflict is not due to another person’s character flaws; instead, it’s about different perspectives or needs that don’t match up. Help your teen identify the problem and stay focused on finding a solution instead of making it about the other person’s character.

4. Use “I” statements.

Talking through a conflict when emotions are running high is hard at any age. Teens need to learn the foundational skill of using “I” statements like, “I feel angry” instead of “You make me angry,” or “I need some time to cool down” instead of “You need to leave me alone.” “I” statements help teens take responsibility for their own emotions and needs instead of blaming the other person and making the conflict worse.

5. Practice switching perspectives.

One of the most powerful skills teens can learn is how to look at a conflict from the other person’s point of view. Help your teen get in the habit by asking them 1) what they think the other person is feeling and 2) what they think the other person needs. Stepping into someone else’s shoes helps them build empathy.

6. Remember to breathe.

Teach teens how to regulate intense emotions with their breath. Diaphragmatic breathing is proven to help people stay calm in conflict. Box breathing– a simple 4-count inhale/exhale– is a powerful stress-reduction strategy that’s easy for teens to learn. And taking one deep, slow breath is a great way for teens to clear their minds and get grounded before they speak up.

7. Remember, it’s not about you.

One of the most difficult kinds of conflict is the kind that seems to come out of nowhere, like a bully who suddenly targets your teen or a stranger who makes an ugly comment about some aspect of their appearance. Let your teen know that often people who are hurting inside try to make themselves feel better by lashing out at others. Their actions are usually about their own struggles and not the people they lash out at.

8. Stay focused on the present.

Teach teens to keep the focus on resolving the current challenge and to avoid bringing up past issues or saying things like “You always…” or “You never…” Such statements reflect strong emotions instead of reality, and tend to make the conflict more confusing and difficult to deal with. Focus on fixing one problem at a time. And if the problem is a repeat issue, let them know they can reflect on it and decide what to do when they’re not feeling angry or defensive.

9. Be assertive.

Teens who are less sure of themselves may need to practice being more assertive and speaking with a more confident voice and body language. Teens who tend to be more aggressive may need help toning it down so they don’t intimidate or alienate others. Help teens assess their assertiveness by teaching them the three C’s of conflict resolution: Stay in the zone where you come across as calm, confident, and compassionate.

10. Know how to apologize.

Saying “I’m sorry” is a skill many people struggle all their lives to master, but when it comes to resolving conflict, nothing works like a sincere apology. Parents who are willing to apologize when they make a mistake set an example that teaches teens to do the same. Apologizing is an art form, but the best apologies don’t include “buts” or involve excuses. Nothing makes a bigger impact than simply stating, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry I hurt you.”