1. Take a 90-second pause.

Self-criticism is often accompanied by anxiety, anger or other strong emotions. This technique from Harvard neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor helps teens identify and self-regulate those feelings, then choose a more compassionate approach. Intense emotions cause a cascade of chemical changes in the amygdala that dissipates after only about 90 seconds. Instead of getting stuck in a negativity loop, teens can set a timer on their phones and take slow, deep breaths, just allowing their feelings to be what they are without judgment. When the timer goes off, they can notice what’s shifted and ask themselves if they are able to see the situation with more self-compassion.

2. Notice and change self-talk. 

Self-talk is our habitual internal monologue. It reflects unconscious beliefs and biases about ourselves and the world, and a lot of our self-talk is critical. To break the habit of negative self-talk, first teach teens to pay attention to the voice in their heads, especially when it’s self-focused. What words and tone do they use? How does their self-talk make them feel? Since self-talk is a habit, it can be changed. To do that, teens can acknowledge any worries or fears they’re feeling, then talk back to that inner voice from a more compassionate place: “I know it’s scary to put yourself out there, but I’m proud of you and I want you to succeed. You’ve worked hard and I know you’ve got this.” \\

3. Treat yourself like your own best friend.

We all want friends who see us as we really are, love us unconditionally, and forgive us when we make mistakes. When teens are being hard on themselves, teach them to imagine how they would talk to a friend who has the same strengths and challenges. They would never tell a good friend to toughen up and work harder to be perfect, and it won’t help to say that to themselves, either. Remind teens that support and understanding are always more motivating than judgment and criticism. The acceptance of our friends helps us become the best version of ourselves, so let’s treat ourselves with the same outlook.

4. Zoom out and zoom in.

Teens face a lot of pressure from peers, social media and society to look and act a certain way, and external pressures can easily be internalized as self-criticism. Zooming out helps teens shift their perspective to the big picture and ask what else – or who else – is making them feel “less than”. Did they see something that triggered feelings of self-doubt or shame? Are they putting the opinions of others – real or imagined – above their own? Do the voices making them feel bad deserve to take up space inside their heads? Zooming in then shifts the perspective back to their own inner experience: What really matters to them? What do the people who love and care about them think? And can they choose to put their own feelings and well-being first?

5. Curate a self-compassionate social feed.

Whether you’re a teen or an adult, social media can make you feel great or terrible about yourself. It all depends on which messages and images you’re  taking in every day. So why not curate your feed to help you level up on your own self-compassion skills? A few of our favorites to follow are artist and author Morgan Harper Nichols, clinical psychologist Kristin Neff, Ph.D., writer Yung Pueblo, and researcher and author Brené Brown. Positive posts remind you to make self-compassion a family priority and can start great conversations between you and your teen. If your teen is on social media, encourage them to make their own feed more feel-good, too. Try our own @meetlucero and @teenselfcompassion to start.

In Self Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself, Neff says focusing on self-esteem can backfire because it means constant self-evaluation, and “we can’t always feel special and above average.” If teens get the message that they should always feel great about themselves, they may think they’re falling short and judge themselves even more harshly. Self-compassion means putting a stop to “judging and evaluating ourselves” altogether. Teens who practice self-compassion learn that when they’re having a hard time, they should treat themselves like they would treat a good friend: always welcome and always worthy.

Some parents worry that self-compassion might give kids an excuse to be self-indulgent or not try hard. Research proves otherwise: by letting them know that their value is not dependent upon performance, self-compassion actually helps teens be more comfortable with vulnerability, try new things, and develop empathy. Other benefits include greater happiness and resilience, more life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression.

These six strategies can help you and your teen put self-compassion into practice:

1. Before you bring up the topic with your teen, do a self-inventory. For one week, just notice how often you judge or criticize yourself, and be aware of how often your teen sees or hears you. If you’re beating yourself up, you’re sending the message that it’s ok for them to beat themselves up. If you talk negatively about yourself for making a mistake or falling short of a goal, they’re learning to evaluate themselves with the same standards. If you could benefit from a bit more self-compassion too, make it a family project. Talk openly about your efforts and support each other in being more kind, forgiving, and loving to yourselves.

2. Label behaviors and actions, but not your child. Self-compassion means honoring the innate worth of ourselves and others, even when behaviors and actions fall short. Especially when we’re upset, it’s easy to use labels like rude, selfish, or disrespectful as if they define who kids are. When you discipline, label only the behavior you want to call out. Instead of “You’re a liar,” try “I’m disappointed by your choice to lie about where you were on Friday.” Letting them know they are still loved and worthy helps them separate their actions from their identity.

3. Ask “How would you treat a friend in the same situation?” When your teen is self-criticizing or judging, this simple question is foundational in self-compassion research. Because we all tend to be much harder on ourselves than we are on others, it helps to step out of the “I messed up” mindset and reframe the situation with more compassion. Thinking about how they would treat a friend helps teens release feelings of failure and build lasting self-compassion skills.

4. Ask “What do you need right now?” This question is another powerful way to help teens develop self-compassion. When your teen is sad, angry, or upset, try asking them what they need and then give them time and space to consider their response. Resist the urge to jump in with suggestions or try to “fix” things. This helps teens get used to checking in with themselves, honoring their own needs, and asking for support when they need it.

5. Help them notice negative self-talk and change it. The first step is simple awareness: noticing when self-talk gets critical. Then, ask what their more compassionate self would say instead and help them reframe the negative observations in a more positive, self-affirming voice. This practice helps train teens’ brains away from knee-jerk negativity and towards more consistent compassion.

6. Encourage teens to take a self-compassion break. This mindfulness practice from the Greater Good Science Center involves taking a pause to check in with thoughts and feelings and sit with them in a compassionate way. It teaches teens that difficult emotions are temporary and they can let them move through their minds and bodies instead of getting stuck. It also helps them reflect on challenging situations and put self-compassion strategies into practice. It’s a win for them and for you, too.

Additional Sources:

https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Helping-Teenagers-With-Stress-066.aspx

https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Marshall2019.pdf

https://www.mindful.org/the-transformative-effects-of-mindful-self-compassion/