1. Take a 90-second pause.

Self-criticism is often accompanied by anxiety, anger or other strong emotions. This technique from Harvard neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor helps teens identify and self-regulate those feelings, then choose a more compassionate approach. Intense emotions cause a cascade of chemical changes in the amygdala that dissipates after only about 90 seconds. Instead of getting stuck in a negativity loop, teens can set a timer on their phones and take slow, deep breaths, just allowing their feelings to be what they are without judgment. When the timer goes off, they can notice what’s shifted and ask themselves if they are able to see the situation with more self-compassion.

2. Notice and change self-talk. 

Self-talk is our habitual internal monologue. It reflects unconscious beliefs and biases about ourselves and the world, and a lot of our self-talk is critical. To break the habit of negative self-talk, first teach teens to pay attention to the voice in their heads, especially when it’s self-focused. What words and tone do they use? How does their self-talk make them feel? Since self-talk is a habit, it can be changed. To do that, teens can acknowledge any worries or fears they’re feeling, then talk back to that inner voice from a more compassionate place: “I know it’s scary to put yourself out there, but I’m proud of you and I want you to succeed. You’ve worked hard and I know you’ve got this.” \\

3. Treat yourself like your own best friend.

We all want friends who see us as we really are, love us unconditionally, and forgive us when we make mistakes. When teens are being hard on themselves, teach them to imagine how they would talk to a friend who has the same strengths and challenges. They would never tell a good friend to toughen up and work harder to be perfect, and it won’t help to say that to themselves, either. Remind teens that support and understanding are always more motivating than judgment and criticism. The acceptance of our friends helps us become the best version of ourselves, so let’s treat ourselves with the same outlook.

4. Zoom out and zoom in.

Teens face a lot of pressure from peers, social media and society to look and act a certain way, and external pressures can easily be internalized as self-criticism. Zooming out helps teens shift their perspective to the big picture and ask what else – or who else – is making them feel “less than”. Did they see something that triggered feelings of self-doubt or shame? Are they putting the opinions of others – real or imagined – above their own? Do the voices making them feel bad deserve to take up space inside their heads? Zooming in then shifts the perspective back to their own inner experience: What really matters to them? What do the people who love and care about them think? And can they choose to put their own feelings and well-being first?

5. Curate a self-compassionate social feed.

Whether you’re a teen or an adult, social media can make you feel great or terrible about yourself. It all depends on which messages and images you’re  taking in every day. So why not curate your feed to help you level up on your own self-compassion skills? A few of our favorites to follow are artist and author Morgan Harper Nichols, clinical psychologist Kristin Neff, Ph.D., writer Yung Pueblo, and researcher and author Brené Brown. Positive posts remind you to make self-compassion a family priority and can start great conversations between you and your teen. If your teen is on social media, encourage them to make their own feed more feel-good, too. Try our own @meetlucero and @teenselfcompassion to start.

Myth # 1: It’s all bad news.

While negative trends get most of the attention, it’s important to know there is also good news about teens’ well-being. Remembering that helps parents put things in perspective and focus on the actual potential problems their teen may be facing. According to Candice Odgers, a psychologist at the University of California, Irvine, “Young people are more educated; less likely to get pregnant, use drugs; less likely to die of accident or injury. By many markers, kids are doing fantastic and thriving. But… these really important trends in anxiety, depression and suicide that stop us in our tracks.”

Myth # 2: It’s just a phase.

Occasional sadness, worry and moodiness are normal for teens, but parents shouldn’t dismiss ongoing symptoms as something their teen will grow out of. In fact, periods of depression, anxiety or other mood disorders can disrupt teens’ development, causing them to miss out on important milestones and leading to lasting harmful behaviors and habits. For depression to be diagnosed, individuals must have symptoms for at least two weeks. If you or your teen are in doubt about whether they need help, reach out to a licensed mental health professional. Getting treatment early helps teens prioritize healthy habits and gain tools to stay stable.

Myth # 3: Kids these days have nothing to feel bad about. 

It’s true that many of today’s teens have more material abundance and often fewer responsibilities than previous generations, but they also face unprecedented challenges. On average, teens now reach puberty a year or two younger than their parents did, leading to physical, neurological and social stress. They experience more pressure to perform in academics and extracurricular activities, while college has become exponentially more expensive and less of a sure path to success. They deal with the nonstop challenges of social media and digital devices and have higher rates of anxiety about gun violence, climate change and other important issues. In short, being a teenager today really can be tough.

Myth #4: It’s all because of social media.

It’s common for adults who grew up before the era of Instagram and TikTok to blame social media for the decline in teen mental health, but researchers say it’s not that simple. Rising rates of teen depression, anxiety and self-harm do correlate with the rise in social media and increased use of digital devices. But these technologies aren’t inherently evil, and they often help teens find connection and support that’s lacking in their off-line lives. Recent research suggests the problem may be more about what teens are missing out on when they overindulge in screen time, like sleep, time in nature, and in-person connection with caregivers, friends and family.

Myth #5: Poor parenting is to blame. 

Lots of parents whose teens experience depression or other disorders ask, “What did I do wrong?” The truth is that many teens with mental health conditions have supportive and engaged parents. Remember that these disorders are biologically-based illnesses that can be triggered by environmental factors, but environmental factors aren’t necessarily or solely to blame. And remember that teens are developmentally wired to push back against their parents so, even if they blame you for their feelings, it may have nothing to do with you. Don’t take it personally, but DO do everything you can to get a licensed professional on board to help.