1. Take a 90-second pause.

Self-criticism is often accompanied by anxiety, anger or other strong emotions. This technique from Harvard neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor helps teens identify and self-regulate those feelings, then choose a more compassionate approach. Intense emotions cause a cascade of chemical changes in the amygdala that dissipates after only about 90 seconds. Instead of getting stuck in a negativity loop, teens can set a timer on their phones and take slow, deep breaths, just allowing their feelings to be what they are without judgment. When the timer goes off, they can notice what’s shifted and ask themselves if they are able to see the situation with more self-compassion.

2. Notice and change self-talk. 

Self-talk is our habitual internal monologue. It reflects unconscious beliefs and biases about ourselves and the world, and a lot of our self-talk is critical. To break the habit of negative self-talk, first teach teens to pay attention to the voice in their heads, especially when it’s self-focused. What words and tone do they use? How does their self-talk make them feel? Since self-talk is a habit, it can be changed. To do that, teens can acknowledge any worries or fears they’re feeling, then talk back to that inner voice from a more compassionate place: “I know it’s scary to put yourself out there, but I’m proud of you and I want you to succeed. You’ve worked hard and I know you’ve got this.” \\

3. Treat yourself like your own best friend.

We all want friends who see us as we really are, love us unconditionally, and forgive us when we make mistakes. When teens are being hard on themselves, teach them to imagine how they would talk to a friend who has the same strengths and challenges. They would never tell a good friend to toughen up and work harder to be perfect, and it won’t help to say that to themselves, either. Remind teens that support and understanding are always more motivating than judgment and criticism. The acceptance of our friends helps us become the best version of ourselves, so let’s treat ourselves with the same outlook.

4. Zoom out and zoom in.

Teens face a lot of pressure from peers, social media and society to look and act a certain way, and external pressures can easily be internalized as self-criticism. Zooming out helps teens shift their perspective to the big picture and ask what else – or who else – is making them feel “less than”. Did they see something that triggered feelings of self-doubt or shame? Are they putting the opinions of others – real or imagined – above their own? Do the voices making them feel bad deserve to take up space inside their heads? Zooming in then shifts the perspective back to their own inner experience: What really matters to them? What do the people who love and care about them think? And can they choose to put their own feelings and well-being first?

5. Curate a self-compassionate social feed.

Whether you’re a teen or an adult, social media can make you feel great or terrible about yourself. It all depends on which messages and images you’re  taking in every day. So why not curate your feed to help you level up on your own self-compassion skills? A few of our favorites to follow are artist and author Morgan Harper Nichols, clinical psychologist Kristin Neff, Ph.D., writer Yung Pueblo, and researcher and author Brené Brown. Positive posts remind you to make self-compassion a family priority and can start great conversations between you and your teen. If your teen is on social media, encourage them to make their own feed more feel-good, too. Try our own @meetlucero and @teenselfcompassion to start.

Why Emotional Regulation is Key

Emotional regulation is the ability to effectively manage emotions. It includes:

• Being able to self-reflect
• Feel emotions without being overwhelmed by them
• Dial down the intensity of negative feelings
• Cultivate positive feelings, and
• Feel in control of emotional experiences.

According to a brief from the Duke Center for Child and Family Policy, teens with good emotional regulation skills are better at:

• dealing with stress and frustration,
• persisting, problem-solving and delaying gratification to achieve goals,
• demonstrating compassion and concern for others in their decisions, and
• seeking help when they’re overwhelmed by stress or in a dangerous situation.

Research also suggests that emotional regulation protects teens’ long-term mental health. A 2019 study published in Brain Science found that emotional regulation skills mediate the effects of stressful life events and childhood adversity on teens’ risk for anxiety disorders and depression.

The bottom line? Emotional regulation helps teens build emotional resilience. But, because there are so many biological, neurological and social factors affecting teens’ emotions, it’s important to put a plan in place to help them gain tools. Here are three strategies to focus on:

1. Practice self-awareness.

The first step in regulating emotions is being able to “name and claim” them. Teens need to know it’s ok to feel their feelings – even the uncomfortable ones. Teach your teen that emotions are information. While emotions can help teens take care of themselves and make good decisions, they\’re not permanent or reflective of who they are as individuals. Self-awareness also means identifying what triggers negative emotions and nurtures positive ones, and taking responsibility for practicing emotional self-care.

1. Reframe negative thoughts and self-talk.

Emotions are closely linked to thoughts and self-talk; for example, a thought like “Everybody else thought that class was easy, but I didn’t understand anything. I’m so dumb,” can lead to feelings of shame, anxiety and fear. Reframing teaches teens to notice their negative, self-defeating thoughts and self-talk and switch to a more positive, self-compassionate and empowering perspective: “I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s struggling. I know I can get this. I’ll ask my teacher for help tomorrow.”

1. Future-focusing.

Future-focusing teaches teens to imagine future stressful scenarios, like bumping into an ex at school or taking a big test, and map out strategies to help themselves stay calm. They can walk through a challenging situation in their minds, decide what tools they will use and picture a successful outcome. Future-focusing can also mean planning a reward for completing a tough task, like taking 10 minutes of downtime for every hour of studying. Focusing on the future empowers teens to handle stressors proactively and positively.

And here’s a fun Spark tool from the Lucero app: 

Spark has over 600 self-care ideas for 30 different emotions! One of our favorites: When your teen is dealing with a tough emotion, ask “What would you say to someone else who felt _____?” How would you help them feel better?” This simple Q&A helps teens build a toolkit of proactive solutions, and sometimes it’s easier to handle a difficult emotion when we imagine it from a different perspective.