1. Focus on feelings.

Emotional intelligence is shut down when teens learn to pretend their own or other peoples’ feelings don’t matter. Instead, they should be able to feel all of their feelings, talk openly about them, and learn how to navigate their emotional highs and lows. Help your teen develop a rich vocabulary to describe emotions. Ask clarifying questions like, “It sounds like after she said that, you felt angry and maybe a little sad… is that right?” And make sure they know that feelings are never right or wrong. Emotions are information, and all of them are valid.

2. Try on someone else’s shoes.

To develop empathy, teens need to be able to imagine how others feel. Sometimes– especially if they’re angry or hurt –that’s really hard to do. Give your teen low-pressure practice by asking them about how others might feel when their own feelings aren’t as intensely involved: “What do you think your friend was feeling in that situation? Can you imagine why they felt that way?” That helps teens get used to multiple perspectives.

3. Keep a journal.

Journaling can help teens clarify their thoughts and feelings, relieve stress and even brainstorm solutions to problems. Help your teen get started with a simple spiral notebook, a journaling app like Journey, or the self-discovery journal True You. Psychologist Alexandra Solomon suggests creating ground rules to protect teens’ privacy; for example, “Let them know that you will not read it unless you are worried about the risk of serious harm to themselves or someone else, (or) that you will never read it without asking them first.”

4. Practice active listening.

Active listening may be the single most powerful way to show your teen how much you care. And when they know what it feels like to be listened to with your full attention, they’re more likely to stay present and listen to others. Active listening is simple but not easy: Try it by putting down your devices, turning off the TV or car radio, focusing all your attention on what your teen is saying, and waiting a few seconds longer than usual to respond.

5. Take responsibility for your feelings.

Conflict is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be hurtful. In fact, conflict can lead to closer relationships by helping us understand each others’ perspectives and solve problems together. Teach teens to take responsibility for their own feelings by using “I” statements (“I feel hurt when…”) and calling out behaviors instead of people (“When I’m yelled at I…” instead of “When you yell at me…”)

6. Cultivate curiosity.

Being curious about the lives and perspectives of others helps teens develop empathy. Model friendly curiosity when you’re out in the world with your teen, for example, by chatting with cashiers or catching up with neighbors. Make sure your teen has opportunities to meet and form meaningful connections with people who are different from them. Find ways to nurture IRL relationships and help your teen learn conversation skills so they feel confident talking with others.

1. Upgrade your own conversations.

Your teen will follow your lead, so set a good example of active listening, practicing empathy, paying attention to nonverbal cues, and asking thoughtful questions. It’s not just how you interact with them that matters– they’re also paying attention to how you talk to family, friends and complete strangers. Think about one or two small ways you could make conversations feel more meaningful to you. Is eye contact important? Authenticity? Finding common ground? Slowing down and really listening? Try a few small, intentional upgrades in your own interactions, and notice how your teen’s conversation skills grow, too.

2. Make daily check-ins a ritual.

Asking “How was your day?” is likely to get the same rote response: “Fine.” But with a little effort, daily check-ins can spark deeper connection between you and your tween or teen. Vashti is a mom of three who stumbled onto an easy afternoon ritual: after school, she makes tea for any of her teens who are home and they sit at the kitchen table and chat. She says, “The tea makes it feel special. It’s simple, but it makes us all slow down. The kids say they want a cup of tea, but I know it’s more about being together.” Rose, Bud, Thorn is another activity to encourage connection: each person shares a rose (something positive), a bud (something they’re looking forward to), and a thorn (something they need support for or feel stuck with). Or keep a deck of conversation cards in the glove box or on the dinner table to make it easy to ask more interesting questions each time you’re together.

3. Focus on the positive.

We feel safe talking to close family and friends, so that’s when we’re more likely to vent, complain or gossip. While that can feel good in the short-term, negative talk easily becomes a habit that’s hard to break. Teens need to know that it’s ok to talk about hard things and painful emotions, but it’s not helpful to get stuck in negativity. A truly meaningful conversation will help teens become more self-aware and capable of self-regulation and solving problems. Notice if conversations with your teen tend to get gloomy and practice steering them back towards silver linings, lessons learned, challenges overcome and opportunities to take meaningful action or be grateful. Listen and offer support, then empower them to find a positive perspective.

4. Build confidence with diverse connections.

Relationships shape their sense of self, so teens with more diverse connections will naturally become more self-assured communicators. If they’re only interacting with close family members and peers, they’ll be less confident when talking to anyone outside their comfort zone. Help your teen form relationships with people who come from different generations, backgrounds and perspectives. Look for extracurricular activities, service opportunities, internships or after-school jobs that encourage interaction with others and provide safety and structure. Even introverts benefit from making more varied connections; just keep the focus on relationship quality over quantity.

5. Spend quality time with them.

As teens get older, busier and more independent, shared experiences are the glue that keeps your connection close. Scheduling quality time with your teen may be a challenge, but even a little time together helps fuel your relationship. Think of your time together as an opportunity to continue (or start) traditions and make lifelong memories. Try setting aside one evening a week or one weekend day a month just for you and your teen to connect. Aim to mix activities that you both already enjoy with new ones that are a little out-of-the-box. Volunteer for a cause your teen cares about, take turns designing a “perfect” day, or do something you’ve never tried before, like going to a rage room or an improv class. Bonding over new experiences builds connection and trust and gives you and your teen tons to talk about, now and in the years to come.

1. Can you share why you\’re so invested in teen and adolescent mental health?

My drive to invest my time in teen and tween mental health comes from personal life experiences combined with the realization that the need for more accessible and effective resources is greater now than ever before. We have a youth mental health epidemic happening right now. Along with the crisis resources being developed and deployed, we need effective upstream solutions to help diminish the possibility of a mental health crisis for youth.

On a more personal level, I was the queer kid who navigated coming out at 16, triggering a process of navigating my own self-acceptance and self-love for several years.

I have also spent countless days trying to find and access mental health resources for youth in my care as a foster mom. One of the hardest days of my entire life was walking my foster daughter through the doors of a mental health hospital because we hadn’t been able to find the right resources in time. Nothing prepares you for the reality of realizing that as a mom, you can’t fix everything. It breaks you.

As a mother, I’d do anything to go back in time years before our crisis, years before my foster daughter even showed up at my house, to give her, I, and the other foster parents in her life the skills, language, and tools to better navigate what the next five years of her life would throw her way.

Since time travel isn’t possible, I’m committed to doing everything I can to help other youth and families be more prepared through Lucero.

1. What are you most excited about in terms of how people are now understanding that teens need more emotional support and proactive interventions to help them in daily lives?

I am most excited about inviting youth to design these resources together. Instead of retrofitting what has worked with adults, we have the opportunity to really listen, meet youth where they are, and design solutions with and for them.

In interviews with tweens and teens, one consistent theme is they don’t want to be told what to do. We can probably all agree that we were that teen/tween at one point or another. With clinical experts as part of the team to provide guardrails and share evidence-based tools, together we have the opportunity to really transform the youth experience– making self-care and radical support the norm.

1. What is one key to good parent/teen communication around mental health wellness?

Normalize talking about mental health.

It’s not something “other families deal with”. It’s something we all deal with. It’s part of the human experience.

As a mom who has gone through potty training twice, my kids and I have read countless books that normalize pooping. Including the book, “Everyone Poops” by Taro Gomi– which is a family favorite!

Right along with that book, families should be reading “Everyone has Mental Health”. This is the level of normalizing that I feel mental health needs.

A friend recently shared that she’s started taking her daughter (age 3) to a therapist every 6-months for a check-up as a way to normalize the experience. You go to your pediatrician and dentist for regular check-ups, and we understand that preventative care keeps us healthy. I think this is an absolute genius way to help your kids always know from a very young age that there’s someone there when/if things get out of their control. There’s no shame in asking for help. Mental health is health, and I love the idea of normalizing it as such. 

1. What is valuable in regard to teens having access to mental health mobile apps?

Youth 8-12 spend an average of 4-6 hours per day in front of a screen. With this number skyrocketing to up to 9 hours per day for teens. I think the most valuable impact of mental health apps is accessibility. It’s a resource youth can access 24/7 when they are out-and-about or in the privacy of their room at 3 am when they can’t fall asleep.

The second most valuable part of youth having access to mental health mobile apps on their phone is it starts to allow them to make a choice for where they spend their time. They become more consciously aware of options and the way certain apps make them feel vs. others.

1. If you could give one piece of insight for practitioners working with teens and mental health what would that be?

Actively listen to youth. Even in small moments where you can give them their own agency to choose the questions they want to ask (or answer) can have great impact. Many youth we interview sound like either ships adrift at sea with no direction at all or like they are on a ship pulled by a rope in a direction they have no control over and aren’t too sure about. Actively listening to youth will start helping youth adjust their own sail or paddle their own oars–skills that can help them navigate all the future waves that life will inevitably bring.

Active listening is listening like you mean it: you’re completely present and open to what the other person is sharing, and they know you care about what they have to say. According to the Center for Parenting Education, “Active listening is a very sophisticated skill that can take years to master. Because you may not have been raised in a home in which this kind of listening was practiced and because very little of it occurs in our society, it can feel like you are learning a second language.” While active listening may be a challenge to master, it’s a real game-changer with teens. Here are five active listening skills you can put into practice today:

1. Make sure you’re “all ears.”

The single most powerful way to upgrade your listening skills is to practice being fully present. Life is busy, fast-paced, and full of distractions, and that makes it tough to tune in to our teens. But nothing says “I’m here for you” like focusing your full attention on your teen. When they’re talking to you, stop multitasking and try to eliminate distractions (put down your phone, silence notifications, or turn off the car radio). Notice if you’re thinking about the past, the future, or your to-do list. If you’re feeling scattered, take a few slow, deep breaths and bring your attention back to the present moment.

2. Pay attention to your body language.

Body language says a lot about how well we’re listening. When your teen is talking, turn toward them and lean in slightly. Smile, nod, and mirror their facial expressions to let them know you empathize. Most teens appreciate eye contact, but if they’re feeling shy or sharing a sensitive subject, they may prefer to be side-by-side. (Lots of parents have great talks with teens while driving.) A pat on the back or a gentle arm squeeze also feels good to teens who like physical affection.

3. Try not to interrupt or give advice (until they ask for it).

Parents have a lot more life experience than kids, and we’d do anything to protect them from the pain of misjudgments and mistakes. It’s common for parents to listen until we think we get the gist and then step in with our own ideas, but that can leave teens feeling unheard. Try to just listen until your teen is done talking, and wait a little longer than usual before you speak up. If they don’t ask for your perspective, you can say, “I have an idea about that if you’re open to hearing it.” With active listening, you don’t have to have all the answers. Think of it like teaching your teen to drive: you can sit beside them and offer support, but they’re the one who steers.

4. Reflect back what you’re hearing.

Another active listening upgrade is to paraphrase what your teen tells you and repeat it back to them. This can feel awkward at first, but it lets teens know you really get what they’re saying – or gives them a chance to clarify. For example, if your teen says, “I hate Olivia! She told everybody I got a C on the test and I feel so stupid,” you can reflect back: “You must feel embarrassed and angry that she shared information you wanted to keep private. It’s hard when a friend lets you down like that.”

5. Ask the right kind of questions.

Make sure your questions are non-judgmental and clarifying. Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than a question that sounds like criticism: What were you thinking?! Clarifying questions seek a better understanding of the message your teen wants to get across. You might ask them to clarify facts about what happened or say more about how they feel. By avoiding the feeling of judgment, clarifying questions give teens an opportunity to self-reflect, see the situation in a new light, and think about possible next steps. Clarifying questions gently guide teens toward deeper understanding and self-awareness while keeping their sense of autonomy intact.

Practicing these five skills lets your teen know that you care about them, respect them, and value what they have to say, so they’re more likely to listen when it’s your turn to talk. And best of all, active listening will deepen your teen’s trust in you, ensuring that you’re the one they turn to when they need a listening ear or a helping hand.