1. Upgrade your own conversations.

Your teen will follow your lead, so set a good example of active listening, practicing empathy, paying attention to nonverbal cues, and asking thoughtful questions. It’s not just how you interact with them that matters– they’re also paying attention to how you talk to family, friends and complete strangers. Think about one or two small ways you could make conversations feel more meaningful to you. Is eye contact important? Authenticity? Finding common ground? Slowing down and really listening? Try a few small, intentional upgrades in your own interactions, and notice how your teen’s conversation skills grow, too.

2. Make daily check-ins a ritual.

Asking “How was your day?” is likely to get the same rote response: “Fine.” But with a little effort, daily check-ins can spark deeper connection between you and your tween or teen. Vashti is a mom of three who stumbled onto an easy afternoon ritual: after school, she makes tea for any of her teens who are home and they sit at the kitchen table and chat. She says, “The tea makes it feel special. It’s simple, but it makes us all slow down. The kids say they want a cup of tea, but I know it’s more about being together.” Rose, Bud, Thorn is another activity to encourage connection: each person shares a rose (something positive), a bud (something they’re looking forward to), and a thorn (something they need support for or feel stuck with). Or keep a deck of conversation cards in the glove box or on the dinner table to make it easy to ask more interesting questions each time you’re together.

3. Focus on the positive.

We feel safe talking to close family and friends, so that’s when we’re more likely to vent, complain or gossip. While that can feel good in the short-term, negative talk easily becomes a habit that’s hard to break. Teens need to know that it’s ok to talk about hard things and painful emotions, but it’s not helpful to get stuck in negativity. A truly meaningful conversation will help teens become more self-aware and capable of self-regulation and solving problems. Notice if conversations with your teen tend to get gloomy and practice steering them back towards silver linings, lessons learned, challenges overcome and opportunities to take meaningful action or be grateful. Listen and offer support, then empower them to find a positive perspective.

4. Build confidence with diverse connections.

Relationships shape their sense of self, so teens with more diverse connections will naturally become more self-assured communicators. If they’re only interacting with close family members and peers, they’ll be less confident when talking to anyone outside their comfort zone. Help your teen form relationships with people who come from different generations, backgrounds and perspectives. Look for extracurricular activities, service opportunities, internships or after-school jobs that encourage interaction with others and provide safety and structure. Even introverts benefit from making more varied connections; just keep the focus on relationship quality over quantity.

5. Spend quality time with them.

As teens get older, busier and more independent, shared experiences are the glue that keeps your connection close. Scheduling quality time with your teen may be a challenge, but even a little time together helps fuel your relationship. Think of your time together as an opportunity to continue (or start) traditions and make lifelong memories. Try setting aside one evening a week or one weekend day a month just for you and your teen to connect. Aim to mix activities that you both already enjoy with new ones that are a little out-of-the-box. Volunteer for a cause your teen cares about, take turns designing a “perfect” day, or do something you’ve never tried before, like going to a rage room or an improv class. Bonding over new experiences builds connection and trust and gives you and your teen tons to talk about, now and in the years to come.

We don’t have a time machine on hand, but we have the next best thing for the young people in your life right now. Lucero is a gamified wellness app that helps tweens and teens build healthy habits for self-care and emotional resilience in just a few minutes a day. It’s designed by licensed therapists and tweens and teens themselves, and – best of all – it’s fun! Lucero gives young people a mental health mentor, right in their pockets. Here are four ways our approach is unique and tailored for today\’s tweens and teens:

1. Lucero is youth-driven.

It’s time to get serious about solving the youth mental health crisis. The number of high school students reporting persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness increased by 40% between 2009 and 2019, and from 2007-2018, suicide rates among youth ages 10-24 increased by 57%. To create solutions, we need all the experts on board, and Lucero believes that includes tweens and teens themselves. After all, who knows better how young people are thinking and feeling right now? We asked our youth advisors, “If you had a magic app that could solve the problems you face, what would it do?” Then we built the safe space they asked for. All of our content is created by trauma-informed licensed therapists who work closely with tweens and teens to get it right.

2. Lucero is accessible.

In 2016 only about half of children with a treatable mental health disorder actually received treatment, and the pandemic made it even harder for young people to access mental health care. Many face accessibility and affordability barriers, and most families lack the skills, language and tools to talk about mental health with confidence. Lucero makes emotional regulation and self-care skills accessible to anyone with a smartphone. It learns which activities improve teens’ mood and well-being, and provides a customized experience that includes families as part of the care team. Lucero also gives parents and pros insight into topics that resonate with teens, as well as streamlined access to support and resources.

3. Lucero is gamified.

Lucero’s approach is to gamify healthy habits like positive self-talk, emotional regulation and connection with others. The 12-week adventure of World 1 helps teens develop self-awareness and build confidence while evolving their Avatars, tracking their progress and earning badges. The Crew feature lets them invite up to seven friends and family members to join them on the journey, so they can have fun learning together. Why gamify? Studies show that making learning fun increases motivation, so tweens and teens stay engaged longer and lock in those healthy habits. 

4. Lucero is bite-sized.

Did you know that all it takes to create a healthy habit is just a few minutes a day? Behavior scientists and psychologists say the best way to make big changes is to take it one small step at a time. That means breaking down big goals into micro-habits: tiny habits that are easy to repeat and build over time. Teens who take this approach are more likely to stay inspired. Lucero provides daily reinforcement of resources and healthy habits that support teens in mind, body and spirit. It’s almost as if your older, wiser self showed up to say, “Hang in there! Here are some tools to help you get through this.” No time machine required.

1. Know what SAD is… and isn’t.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, SAD is “characterized by persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others.”

Symptoms of social anxiety include:

• Worrying about being judged negatively or humiliated
• Intense fear of interacting with strangers
• Avoidance of social events or talking to people
• Self-evaluation and self-criticism during and after social situations
• Worrying for days or weeks before an event
• Sweating, trembling, blushing, and/or rapid heart beat in social situations
• Stomach aches, nausea, muscle tension or disrupted sleep

Social Anxiety Disorder is not the same as being introverted or shy or preferring a small group of friends. The key is to recognize when symptoms become unmanageable, stopping your teen from having a fulfilling social life or doing things they really want to do. When teens avoid every anxiety-provoking situation, they miss opportunities to learn social skills and build confidence, thus fulfilling their fears of embarrassment.

2. Let them know they’re not alone.

Teens with social anxiety feel overwhelmingly self-conscious and like they’re the only ones with a problem. Talking honestly about social anxiety helps them normalize their feelings, understand that everyone experiences some anxiety in social situations and create more self-acceptance and self-compassion. Talk with your teen about your own experiences and be willing to listen. And for more persistent problems, look for a therapist-led teen support group that targets social anxiety.

3. Teach them how to breathe. 

Researchers agree that one of the most effective strategies for managing anxiety is mindful breathing. A simple exercise that’s easy to teach teens is box breathing: exhaling to a count of four, pausing for a count of four, inhaling to a count of four, and holding air in the lungs for a count of four, then repeating. Teens can also visualize tracing the sides of a square box or a big balloon inflating and deflating as they breathe. This and other breathing techniques activate the parasympathetic nervous system and counteract the body’s stress response, which is responsible for shallow breathing, fast heartbeat and other physical signs of anxiety.

4. Help them uplevel their self-talk.

Teens with social anxiety may not even notice the steady stream of self-judgment and self-criticism they’re likely engaging in,for example, thoughts like, “You’re so stupid! Everybody is laughing at you! You’re going to screw up again!” But most social anxiety is accompanied and made worse by negative self-talk. You can help your teen become aware of the voice inside their head and realize that they can decide whether or not to believe the self-defeating thoughts. Teach your teen how to acknowledge their fears and counteract them with positive self-talk: “Yes, I’m really nervous right now, but I’ve been practicing and I know I’ve got this.” For more suggestions, see our post on Turning Negative Self-talk Into Confidence.

5. Support them in facing their fears at their own pace.

Perhaps the most heartbreaking aspect of social anxiety is that teens’ phantom fears have a very real impact by keeping them from being and doing all the great things they’re capable of. Most anxious teens are painfully aware that they’re missing out, but facing their fears all at once feels too overwhelming. Instead, help your teen set realistic social goals – like making a new friend or joining a club at school – based on what matters most to them. Then identify micro-goals they can accomplish step-by-step. Make sure they’re equipped with strategies for self-compassion, remind them that practice makes perfect, and celebrate their successes with them. With the right mix of acceptance and persistence, teens can tackle social anxiety and emerge as confident, capable young adults.

1. 1. Let them make mistakes. Knowing when to step back and (gulp!) let your teen fail is one of parenting’s hardest lessons. Sounds radical, but confident kids aren’t afraid to make mistakes. Teens need to practice solving their own problems and figuring out what to do when things don’t go their way. Getting comfortable with failure is a key component of a growth mindset and boosts self-confidence.
   2. Stay on call. Confident teens take responsibility for themselves, but they also know when to call for backup. The teenage brain is a work in progress, and a parent’s perspective helps them make sense of the struggles they encounter. Knowing there’s a safety net of unconditional love and support makes all the difference when teens step outside their comfort zones
   3. Strengthen their sense of belonging. Support from parents matters most, but teens need extended family, friends, mentors, and community, too. The more people who care about and are invested in your teen, the better. Different kinds of supportive relationships give teens multiple experiences of mattering to others, and that sense of belonging helps them feel confident.
   4. Help them learn new things. Gaining skills and knowledge boosts kids’ confidence, too. The teenage brain is wired for explosive growth, seeking novelty, challenges, and new experiences. Parents can help by providing diverse opportunities for learning and growth. Everything from educational apps to volunteering together to subject-specific summer camps can spark your teen’s curiosity and develop their confidence.
   5. Ask for their advice. Let your teen know that you respect them and value their opinion. When you’re facing a tough decision or solving a problem, talk to them about it and ask what they would do in your place. Teens are used to being on the receiving end of a lot of advice. Asking for their perspective validates their maturity and helps them feel confident stepping into a more grown-up role.
   6. Practice scary scenarios. Whether they’re facing a difficult conversation with a friend, a big speech at school, or some other event that tests their confidence, practice empowers teens to show up as the best version of themselves. You can offer to role-play the situation or talk through different possible responses or outcomes. Nothing builds confidence like having been there before.
   7. Take on challenges together. Confidence comes from achieving goals and learning how to handle setbacks and failure. Taking on challenges together as a family can empower teens to tackle their own individual aims. Run a 5K, build a treehouse, or download a self-care app together– any challenge works as long as everybody is equally invested in success.
   8. Watch for their sensitive spots. Teens are painfully aware that everything from their appearance to their abilities and achievements is under constant scrutiny from peers. Most teens are confident in some areas but not so much in others. Parents can help teens make sure these sensitive spots don’t override their overall confidence. Help them practice self-compassion, embrace their uniqueness, play up their skills and positive qualities, and surround themselves with people who love them just as they are.
   9. Protect against perfectionism. Perfectionism in teens is a big confidence-killer. High-achieving teens can get discouraged when their efforts fall short of their ideals, like the athlete driven by body dysmorphia or the honor roll student overwhelmed by anxiety because they’re not ranked top of their class. Help your teen value growth, learning, fun, and friendship over perfect scores, and remind them that their worth can’t be measured by numbers. Confident teens take pride in their achievements but don’t let those achievements define them.
   10. Model and praise courage. It’s been said that confidence is a feeling, while courage is a choice. We can’t always feel confident, but we can still choose to act with courage. When you let your teen see you being brave, you’re showing them how to face their fears, too. And when you praise their courageous acts, it validates them for taking the risk to grow. Confidence may not be necessary to act courageously, but courage always builds confidence.