1. Foster a spirit of adventure.

Self-discovery is a creative process, and, like all creative work, it can be messy. Tweens and teens experiment by trying on identities, interests, and groups until they figure out what fits. They may proclaim that they’re passionate about something today and hate it tomorrow: One mom we know bought her 13-year-old a ukulele that she’d begged for for months, only to find it two weeks later under a pile of laundry. If you have a tween or teen in your life, you’re probably not surprised. Just remember that new experiences are how adolescents gather information about themselves and the world. When the adults who love them celebrate exploration as part of the adventure of growing up, tweens and teens feel safe expressing themselves.

2. Dial down the pressure.

Adolescents today face unprecedented pressure, according to a 2021 report by the U.S. Surgeon General, and it’s a contributing factor in skyrocketing rates of depression, anxiety and self-harm. Parents and caregivers should know that self-discovery can’t be rushed. Tweens and teens need time to master different developmental milestones, and everyone matures at their own pace. Keep the focus on providing opportunities balanced by safety and clear expectations, and ensuring that they have plenty of freedom to explore within age-appropriate limits.

3. Keep brain development in mind.

Tweens and teens are neurologically wired to take risks and seek out novel experiences, and they’re still learning critical self-regulation skills. Adolescence lasts until the mid-twenties when the prefrontal cortex reaches maturity, according to Sarah Jayne Blakemore, PhD. That part of the brain is responsible for reasoning, planning, prioritizing, and impulse control. Lucero’s approach is to gamify the journey of self-discovery and integrate self-regulation skills at every step. It keeps self-discovery fun and engaging, while making it easy to build lasting healthy habits for self-care.

4. Encourage them to ask questions and be curious.

We live in a world where opinions are often presented as facts, especially on social media. Tweens and teens are especially vulnerable to such influences because their identities are shaped as they process new information, experiences, feelings and beliefs. Relationships with friends and family help them stay grounded and make sense of all the incoming information. Encourage self-reflection by inviting them to ask questions and be curious, talking with them about their feelings and thoughts, and sharing reflective practices like journaling and mindfulness.

5. Make it safe to say “no.”

One often-neglected aspect of self-discovery is the skill of setting boundaries. “Personal boundaries are important because you set basic guidelines of how you want to be treated,” says Dr. Tracy Hutchinson. “It is your job to teach (others) about your boundaries for your own mental health and wellness.” Parents and caregivers can help tweens and teens get comfortable saying “no” and protecting their developing sense of self. As adolescents explore the world, knowing that they’re in charge of their boundaries helps them advocate for themselves with confidence.

Want more self-discovery support for your tween or teen? Lucero helps adolescents  build a strong sense of self with fun, engaging tools to explore their inner and outer worlds. All our content is created by licensed clinical therapists and a team of youth advisors. Our gamified, bite-sized approach to self-discovery makes it easy for tweens and teens to develop self-awareness and learn emotional regulation skills, all while strengthening their network of real-life relationships.

For parents and caregivers of tweens and teens, it’s especially important to understand the causes of the loneliness epidemic and how to address it. According to a 2018 global study, young people reported the highest levels of loneliness of any age group, and having supportive relationships is the most significant contributor to adolescent mental health and overall well-being. Why are loneliness rates going up? Here’s what we discovered and what it means for tweens, teens and families:

1. Social isolation is increasing.

Over the two decades between 2003 and 2020, time spent alone increased by about 24 hours per month for all age groups. For people between the ages of  15-24, time spent with friends decreased by nearly 70 percent, from 30 hours a month to just 10 hours. Today’s adolescents are spending a lot more time alone than their parents did, and feeling more lonely as a result.

2. Social networks are shrinking.

Compared to a generation or two ago, families are smaller, busier, move from place to place more often, and live further apart. That means less time spent with extended family, friends, neighbors, and people we interact with around the communities we live in. Studies also show that participation in civic, service, recreational, and religious organizations is in decline. That means less interaction with people who share common interests, values, and goals.

3. We have fewer close friends. Among people who don’t report feelings of loneliness, 90% have three or more confidants. Research shows that close friendships protect tweens and teens’ mental and physical health and increase resilience well into adulthood. But in 2021, 49% of Americans said they have three or fewer close friends, a number that’s nearly doubled since 1990.

4. Trust levels are lower. In 1975, 45% of Americans felt they could reliably trust each other. In 2016, that percentage had shrunk to 30%. Lower levels of trust correspond to near-historic rates of polarization. Polarization and mistrust may  affect tweens and teens even more than adults, because the adolescent brain is not yet adept at processing trauma and anxiety.

What can we do about loneliness? 

It can be helpful to remember that we’re all in this together: The issues leading to loneliness affect everyone in our society to some degree. Understanding that you’re not the only one dealing with loneliness can make it easier to reach out. And families can take steps to alleviate loneliness, like practicing emotional self-care, cultivating social connections, and building meaningful relationships. Here are three key places to start:

1. Learn emotional regulation skills.

Practice “naming and claiming” feelings. Learn strategies to manage difficult emotions like loneliness. Know when to reach out for help. Lucero’s wellness app offers a gamified approach to self-care that supports emotional regulation and nurtures real-world relationships, with content that’s co-created by licensed therapists and youth.

2. Cultivate community together.

Tweens and teens benefit from a diverse network of relationships with family, friends, neighbors, and community members. And guess what? So do you! Every supportive relationship makes your family’s sense of belonging more resilient. How can you and your teen grow supportive relationships as a family? Brainstorm easy, fun ways to connect with others, like starting a block party, volunteering, or joining an intramural sports team together.

3. Take it offline.

While it’s normal to seek connection online, social media is no substitute for IRL relationships. In fact, some studies show that increased social media use correlates with higher rates of loneliness. In-person connections are best for learning critical social skills and establishing a steady source of support, so encourage your teen to put down their device and reach out for real-world connection, too.

Journi combines her passions for creativity and mental health awareness by crafting content for Lucero on Instagram. She also helps our team of licensed therapists ensure that all the activities in the Lucero app are teen-tested and approved. We love her creative spark and infectious enthusiasm! We’re lucky to have Journi on our team and wanted to share a little about what makes her so special:

1. What grade are you in? 

11th

2. What’s one passion or interest that you are excited to share with others?

My love of art is one passion I am eager to share with others! While I am definitely at a beginner level, I enjoy drawing and painting and try to incorporate it into the things I do.

3. Do you have an avatar in the Lucero app? If so, how does it reflect your personality?

My Lucero avatar is a flamingo. I chose it because it represents being silly, friendly, and sassy. I am always joking around and I love making new friends, so I thought the flamingo would best represent who I am!

4. What is one of your goals for the future?

One of my goals is to work as a therapist or psychologist, helping people with their mental health and making a difference.

5. What’s one thing that people are surprised to learn about you?

One thing people are surprised to learn about me is that I am very talkative. I am usually very quiet when I first meet people, but once they get to know me, I will talk their ear off!

6. What’s one of your favorite self-care practices?

Journaling is my favorite self-care practice. I love having a safe place to write down my feelings, and it\’s a great coping mechanism to just let everything out.

7. If you could plan an adventure with any three people, who would you choose, where would you go, and why? 

It would be my mother, father, and sister, and we would travel throughout Italy! It has always been a dream of mine to visit Italy, and I would love to do so with my three most favorite people in the world.

8. If you could share one important message with every tween and teen, what would it be?

If I could give every tween and teen one piece of advice, it would be to be themselves! Be yourself and do things to please yourself, not others.

Giving limited attention to the pandemic, let’s consider that out of nowhere families were forced to be in each other’s space with little to no opportunity to interact with others. As the pandemic eases, therapy professionals are beginning to see an increase in families seeking therapy. Some families leaned into their resilience and established foundations and experienced their bonds grow deeper. Other families were forced to acknowledge the unhealthy foundations that couldn’t support them during this challenging time. What helped some families thrive and deepen their connection? Here are a few strategies strongly associated that support the family as a protective factor.

Parents First

How parents/caregivers/guardians relate with each other establishes the environment of the home and teaches their children how to engage. A strong bond, showing affection and resolving conflict in a healthy way sets the pace for learning to do so in the family and beyond. Numerous studies have shown that integrating some of the parent relationship strategies below develops and solidifies protective factors as a family:

1. Maintain healthy individual interests and growth. This allows for a couple to strengthen the “Us” of the relationship. The “us” is the unique combination of the two that doesn’t exist in any other context.

2. Develop and maintain healthy relationships with other parents. Parents can feel isolated at times. It helps to gain perspective when witnessing and sharing similar joys and pains with other parents.

3. Consistently grow together. Go on dates, learn new hobbies together and learn how to love the other in a way that speaks to their individual heart.

4. Maintain good health. Exercise together, try new dishes (particularly with good nutrition), explore spirituality, and learn something new each month.

Create a Nurturing Environment

Food for thought, the role of “child” is one that we all share. Not everyone becomes a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle yet we all are someone’s child. The impact of that experience and relationship cannot be understated. We know that by ages 2 and 3, children begin to identify themselves in multiple ways. The environments in which they live, relationships they have, and communities they live in provide the paint for a potential masterpiece.

1. Provide love and trust. This is vital to the development and building of identity. Children need a place where these two qualities are vibrant and abundant.

2. Celebrate them for them. Whether you have one or many, support each of them as they discover who they are.

3. Maintain healthy boundaries. Allow children to be children, not “little adults.” Give responsibilities and freedoms appropriate to their age.

4. Encourage generational and multicultural relationships. Exposing children to diverse communities builds sensitivity and respect for others and themselves.

Offer Extended Family and Community

There is an African Proverb that states “We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.” It is so easily said that children are the future and it is equally easy to forget the impact of our current actions on the children that surround us. Consider the following suggestions as ways to build strong protective factors from the community perspective.

1. Expose your children to other cultures. Different doesn’t equal wrong. Exposure to others helps build a cultural lens that reduces bias and builds acceptance.

2. Build healthy peer relationships. Parents weren’t built to do it alone. In the pursuit of becoming healthy parents, it is beneficial to be connected to others who are in the same pursuit.

3. Encourage mentors and role models. Encourage your children to know other trusted adults. It is official – there is a season in a young person’s life where they don’t believe their parents or, feel they can communicate with them. Encourage them to connect with other trusted adults as resources for such seasons.

Whether amid a Pandemic or in regular day-to-day life, families who practice these habits, establish and sustain wellness. According to the great theologian, Google, the definition of Family Wellness is –

“Everyone in the family has healthy mental functioning, productive activities, and fulfilling relationships with one another and people outside the family. Family wellness allows everyone in the family to adapt and bond together to help one another through change and difficult times.”

As a family, look within to discover and enhance those protective factors that are naturally present. Where you are lacking or need support, look to those who surround you.

Michael S. Cox MA, LPC is a Level 2 Certified Restoration Therapist and seeks to utilize this training in assisting individuals, marriages and families to discover their God-given potential and to see it actualized. He had been in private practice and consulting since January of 2020 and utilizes a holistic approach in providing treatment. Together with his wife they conduct marriage seminars, coach couples in preparation for marriage and walk with families seeking to live healthy lives. Additionally, he utilizes his 20+ years of working with young people to inform and drive his work with adolescent development and emotional regulation. He is the proud husband of wife Coloma and father to their three young boys. 

Lucero is developing a gamified app to help teens begin their adventure to self-discovery. Sign up here to get early access to this innovative youth-driven, spirit-infused technology.