About a year later, the Quest Card concept made its way into the design of Lucero’s Spark wheel. Co-created by licensed therapists and a team of youth advisors, Spark generates real-time, personalized suggestions for emotional regulation. Spark inspires self-reflection, but, like the Quest Cards, it can have an even deeper impact when it’s used as a family. Here’s how you can use Spark to create more authentic connection with your loved ones:

1. Sync up with no pressure.

Instead of feeling pressured to carve out extra time for conversation, start small and keep it simple with Spark. Take advantage of moments when you’re already together, like at the dinner table or in the car on the way to school. First select how you’re feeling as a family: Is everybody on the same page, or are you experiencing different emotions? Spin the Spark wheel and take turns answering the questions that pop up. Sharing feelings and self-care strategies gives you insight into each other\’s perspectives and keeps you close, even when life gets busy.

2. Have more meaningful conversations.

Relationships change in adolescence. Tweens and teens are wired to seek autonomy and privacy, but they also crave belonging and understanding. We often hear from youth, parents and caregivers that they want to have more connected conversations, but they don’t know where to start. Spark makes it easy because it’s gamified: Just spin the wheel and answer the questions! It’s designed to elicit more meaningful connections without either of you feeling awkward.

3. Create a bonding ritual.

It’s obvious, I know, but every human experiences emotions, all the time! It’s one of the few things we all have in common, regardless of age, background, or life experience. That makes our everyday emotions one of the most powerful places to bond with others and build empathy. Using Spark together makes checking in with our own and others’ feelings a personal habit and a family ritual. It’s a stealthy but surefire way to build emotional literacy and teach tweens and teens the superpower of empathizing with others.

4. Support each other with self-care.

Research suggests that social support increases our sense of purpose and self-efficacy. In other words, tweens and teens feel good when they know someone cares about them and has their back, and that increases their motivation to take care of themselves. Spark contains over 600 different research-backed emotional regulation activities co-created by certified clinical therapists and our youth advisory team. So each time families spin Spark, they’re gaining new tools to practice self-care together.

Whether used alone or with loved ones, Spark makes a big impact on emotional regulation. According to a 2023 pilot study, 60% of adolescent users reported feeling better after using Spark to address negative emotions. At Lucero, we believe that families can use simple tools like Spark to build closer, more authentic relationships and become each other’s radical support system. By celebrating self-care, building connection, and practicing emotional regulation skills together, you and your tween or teen can spark new healthy habits that lead to lifelong well-being.

1. Foster a spirit of adventure.

Self-discovery is a creative process, and, like all creative work, it can be messy. Tweens and teens experiment by trying on identities, interests, and groups until they figure out what fits. They may proclaim that they’re passionate about something today and hate it tomorrow: One mom we know bought her 13-year-old a ukulele that she’d begged for for months, only to find it two weeks later under a pile of laundry. If you have a tween or teen in your life, you’re probably not surprised. Just remember that new experiences are how adolescents gather information about themselves and the world. When the adults who love them celebrate exploration as part of the adventure of growing up, tweens and teens feel safe expressing themselves.

2. Dial down the pressure.

Adolescents today face unprecedented pressure, according to a 2021 report by the U.S. Surgeon General, and it’s a contributing factor in skyrocketing rates of depression, anxiety and self-harm. Parents and caregivers should know that self-discovery can’t be rushed. Tweens and teens need time to master different developmental milestones, and everyone matures at their own pace. Keep the focus on providing opportunities balanced by safety and clear expectations, and ensuring that they have plenty of freedom to explore within age-appropriate limits.

3. Keep brain development in mind.

Tweens and teens are neurologically wired to take risks and seek out novel experiences, and they’re still learning critical self-regulation skills. Adolescence lasts until the mid-twenties when the prefrontal cortex reaches maturity, according to Sarah Jayne Blakemore, PhD. That part of the brain is responsible for reasoning, planning, prioritizing, and impulse control. Lucero’s approach is to gamify the journey of self-discovery and integrate self-regulation skills at every step. It keeps self-discovery fun and engaging, while making it easy to build lasting healthy habits for self-care.

4. Encourage them to ask questions and be curious.

We live in a world where opinions are often presented as facts, especially on social media. Tweens and teens are especially vulnerable to such influences because their identities are shaped as they process new information, experiences, feelings and beliefs. Relationships with friends and family help them stay grounded and make sense of all the incoming information. Encourage self-reflection by inviting them to ask questions and be curious, talking with them about their feelings and thoughts, and sharing reflective practices like journaling and mindfulness.

5. Make it safe to say “no.”

One often-neglected aspect of self-discovery is the skill of setting boundaries. “Personal boundaries are important because you set basic guidelines of how you want to be treated,” says Dr. Tracy Hutchinson. “It is your job to teach (others) about your boundaries for your own mental health and wellness.” Parents and caregivers can help tweens and teens get comfortable saying “no” and protecting their developing sense of self. As adolescents explore the world, knowing that they’re in charge of their boundaries helps them advocate for themselves with confidence.

Want more self-discovery support for your tween or teen? Lucero helps adolescents  build a strong sense of self with fun, engaging tools to explore their inner and outer worlds. All our content is created by licensed clinical therapists and a team of youth advisors. Our gamified, bite-sized approach to self-discovery makes it easy for tweens and teens to develop self-awareness and learn emotional regulation skills, all while strengthening their network of real-life relationships.

Making friends with vulnerability is a lifelong lesson, and it’s never too early to start. Here are our five top tips for helping teens develop this secret strength:

1. Acknowledge that teens are already brave just for being where they are.

Feeling vulnerable is tough at any age, but it\’s extra challenging for teens. Parents sometimes forget that teens are still in the early stages of building their neurological, psychological, and social foundations. All of a sudden, they’re figuring out their identities, navigating more complex relationships, and feeling a wider range of emotions than ever before. All those inner and outer changes mean that adolescence is already a vulnerable time. When parents acknowledge that, the support helps teens feel a bit braver trying new things, making mistakes, and opening up.

2. Teach them that their worth and worthiness are innate. 

A sense of belonging is incredibly important to teens, and that includes feelings of safely belonging with their family, friends, peers, and community. Since vulnerability often brings the possibility of judgment from others, stepping out of their comfort zone in any of these relationships can feel scary. Emphasize to your teen that their worth – and their worthiness to belong – can’t be taken away, no matter what they do, think, or say. If they know what unconditional love and acceptance feels at home, they’re more likely to form healthy relationships with people who embrace their whole selves.

3. Make emotional vulnerability a family value.

All teens can struggle with vulnerability, but studies show that boys have an especially hard time. In a recent survey from Plan International, a third of boys said they think society expects them to hide or suppress their feelings when they feel sad or scared. Another third said society expects them “to be strong, tough, ‘be a man,’ and ‘suck it up.’” Perhaps more alarmingly, 41% of boys said that when they feel angry, they are expected to be aggressive or react violently. Parents play a huge role in modeling and welcoming emotional openness. Helping teens learn to “name and claim” their emotions can teach them that all emotions are valuable, even the uncomfortable ones. Let them know that you appreciate it when they express their feelings, and build trust by sharing your feelings with them, too.

4. Praise and reward teens more for effort than for winning.

Naturally, parents feel a special sweetness when their hardworking teen aces an essay contest or crosses the finish line first. It’s great to celebrate their victories, but a lot of teens’ courage to be vulnerable comes from less triumphant moments. Acknowledge them for working hard, taking risks, making wise choices, being a team player, and helping others, too. Be especially aware of times when they put themselves out there and don’t meet with success, since that’s when they’re likely to feel vulnerable. One dad takes his two daughters out to “celebrate courage” whenever they’ve stretched themselves, whether or not there’s a win involved. See our post on Growth-Mindset Parenting for more ideas.

5. Teach them about the perils of perfectionism.

High-achieving teens often demonstrate perfectionist tendencies, but studies show that perfectionism harms much more than it helps. Dr. Brown’s research found perfectionism to be “correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities.” The more teens measure their identity and worth by their achievements, the more they’ll struggle with vulnerability. If you notice your teen holding themselves to an unattainable standard, remind them that they are worth far more than their accomplishments. Help them figure out what goals matter most to them and why they are motivated to work hard. According to Brown, “healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think?”

Vulnerability is all about the soft side of being human. Sometimes that feels like fear or shame, but it can also feel like love, compassion, and courage. Learning to lean into their uncomfortable emotions helps teens make an ally of vulnerability. Then they begin to see themselves as imperfect but whole and deserving of belonging – just like everyone else.

Here are four things you need to know about helping teens build strong connections:

1. Parents and caregivers are at the heart of it…

Even as they become more independent, teens need the adults in their lives to provide love, security and stability. Caring for a teenager isn’t always easy, but researchers at Penn State found that keeping a strong connection through adolescence makes parent-child relationships even closer when children reach adulthood. “Our research showed that parenting can change a lot during the teenage years: parents often express less warmth and affection, spend less time with their teens, and become more harsh in their discipline,” says Greg Fosco, PhD, professor of human development and family studies and co-principal investigator on the study. “Parents that were able to maintain positive parenting and involvement laid the foundation for a close relationship when their teens became adults.”

2. …but you may need to connect differently than before.

Researchers also agree that since teens are wired to seek more independence and autonomy, they may push back against some of the ways you connected with them when they were younger. Fosco suggests doing things together like playing sports, going out for a meal, gaming or cooking: activities you both enjoy and that you can build into your family’s routines. He also stresses the importance of warmth and affection: “This is a great reminder to say the important things in life, such as ‘I love you’ or ‘I care about you,’ or physical expressions such as a hug or a pat on the back.” Regardless of what you do together or how busy you are, make sure your teen knows they always come first and that family time is sacred. When you set that example, they’re more likely to follow your lead.

3. Friendships with peers set the stage for success.

There’s a good reason tweens and teens are so focused on friendships: They’re wired to connect with their peers because those relationships have historically ensured humans’ survival. “…Young people are learning how to manage relationships that are going to ultimately determine how they fare for the rest of their lives, and they sense that in their bones,” says Joseph Allen, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia. So rather than being silly, teen friendships set the stage for success. Teens are figuring out necessary social skills like caring for others, cooperating, compromising and resolving conflict. The more practice they get connecting with others as teens, the better at it they’ll be in adulthood.

4. Online connections can provide safe spaces, too.

Lots of attention goes to the negative effects of social media and digital devices, but it’s important to remember that there are safe spaces for teens to connect online, too. Online communities are havens for LGBTQIA+ teens, teens with a disability and teens with social anxiety, among many others. In a recent Pew Research Center survey, 80% of teens said social media helps them stay more connected to what’s going on in their friends’ lives, 67% percent said it makes them feel like they have people who can support them through tough times, and 58% said it makes them feel more accepted.

… and here are ways to engage with your Crew

Lucero has created a safe space for teens and tweens to just be themselves and connect with others who radically support them. Teens captain a Crew by inviting up to seven friends and family members to join them on their self-care journey. Crew members cheer each other on, support each other on the hard days and always apologize if their actions or words hurt someone’s feelings. It’s a great way to spark meaningful conversations, check in with each other and give your teen a positive place to strengthen their capacity to connect.

• Travel

“Young people do not usually develop a specific purpose and then go become an expert in that thing,” says Project Wayfinder founder Patrick Cook-Deegan. “Rather, they are exposed to something new that helps them develop their own sense of purpose.” According to Deegan, travel is one of the most powerful ways teens find purpose, a big component of confidence.

Why does travel make such an impact? First, it takes teens out of their comfort zone and eliminates self-imposed limitations. Encounters with new people, places, and ideas expand their sense of what’s possible and often spark new passions. Travel also helps teens learn how to plan, problem-solve, and deal with unexpected challenges. Beyond the typical family vacation, travel gives teens the opportunity to take on a new level of self-responsibility. Each time teens successfully solve a problem or overcome a challenge, their confidence gets a big boost. Look for exchange programs, teen-focused tours, wilderness programs, and service-learning experiences to help your teen find the adventure that’s right for them.

• Team sports

A recent survey of more than 10,000 adolescent girls found that playing sports correlates with increased confidence, better body image and academic performance, and stronger interpersonal relationships. Teen girls experience an overall drop in self-confidence during middle school, but girls of all ages who play sports report consistently higher levels of self-confidence. “Girls who participate on a sports team are more likely to have learned healthy ways to handle stressful situations, have more effective and supportive friendships with other girls and have increased career and leadership aspirations,” said ROX founder Dr. Lisa Hinkelman. Don’t count sports out if your teen isn’t into the mainstream options offered at school; community clubs offer everything from skateboarding to quidditch to kickball.

• Public speaking

Confidence comes from doing hard things, and one of the most challenging things for many people– including about a third of Americans– is public speaking. But research from North Carolina State University shows that teens who participate in some kind of public speaking program feel more courageous.

Public speaking helps teens face their fears and develop communication skills that boost their confidence in lots of situations. They learn how to advocate for themselves and causes they care about, listen to others, and stay steady when challenged. There are lots of ways for teens to practice public speaking, from debate and 4-H clubs to theater or improv classes. And many coaches and teachers now incorporate stress strategies for teens who are fearful of public speaking, so they can feel supported and take it at their own pace.

• After-school and summer jobs

Worried that a job might distract your teen from all-important academic and extracurricular activities? A Harvard longitudinal study of 1,000 teens says those fears may be unfounded. In fact, teens who work part-time were shown to be more confident, responsible and successful than their peers without jobs. Work responsibilities push teens to test their abilities, learn new skills, problem-solve, prioritize and stick to a schedule.

Jobs are a great place to meet mentors and make new friends. And of course, earning their own money increases teens’ confidence, too. If your teen is interested in getting a job, talk to their school counselor about work-study options, aptitude tests and practice interviews. Look for internships or entry-level jobs that will help them cultivate career skills in industries they’re interested in learning more about. With a little luck, your teen may find a job that boosts their self-confidence and starts them off on a path toward a fulfilling future.

“Purpose is not just the domain of older adults,” says Anthony L. Burrow of Cornell University. “Purpose is a developmental asset, and the earlier we start to cultivate it, the better off we are.” But while teens are developmentally wired to seek purpose, embracing a purpose-driven mindset takes tools and support. Here are our top five key concepts to help you instill a sense of purpose in your teen:

• Purpose is an intention, not a goal. 

Burrow says purpose is better defined as a long-range intention rather than a goal that can be accomplished. “Wanting to be a father is a goal because it is achievable. But to be a great father is more of an intention than an achievement. On some days, one might come closer to the ideal than others, but it is never a completed task.” Teens who understand their purpose as a journey learn that lots of different paths can lead them there, and even mistakes and failures contribute valuable lessons. This outlook reminds teens that it’s not about what they accomplish; it’s about becoming the kind of person they want to be. Purpose is always a work in progress.

• Purpose is part of their identity. 

The teenage years are the perfect time to set out in search of purpose, says Project Wayfinder founder Patrick Cook-Deegan, because “the development of purpose is intricately woven with the development of identity. Thus embarking on a voyage of discovering one’s purpose is critical during the adolescent years.” But too much pressure to discover their purpose can backfire by making teens feel like they’re falling short. Parents can help teens see their adolescence as an adventure, with each new experience contributing to their understanding of what makes life most meaningful and who they are becoming along the way.

• Purpose is not just personal. 

Researchers agree that a sense of purpose is most motivating when it includes being of service to others. \”People don\’t worry about the right things,\” says Stanford psychologist William Damon. \”The biggest problem growing up today is not actually stress; it\’s meaninglessness.\” Teens can find meaning by getting involved in causes that matter to them, volunteering, joining clubs, sharing their creative gifts, and lending a hand at home or in the community. These acts serve as an antidote to stress and anxiety by teaching teens how to take action, solve problems, build empathy, and feel gratitude for their own abilities and circumstances. And teens who volunteer often discover lifelong passions that lead them to their purpose.

• Mentors matter. 

Teens benefit by being surrounded by purpose-driven adults. Parents, teachers, community leaders, and others with a strong sense of purpose model what a meaningful life looks like and show teens that there are lots of different ways to achieve and thrive. Parents can help by talking about personal values, making time for their own passions, and starting conversations about what makes life fulfilling and joyful. Talk to your teen about your own path to purpose, including mistakes you made and lessons you learned. And, if your teen has a particular passion, introduce them to adults who share it and can provide mentorship.

• Every moment is an opportunity. 

When teens talk about discovering purpose, some moments stand out. Patrick Cook-Deegan says purpose is often crystalized for young people when they’re traveling abroad, spending extended time in nature, getting involved in a social change project, or establishing a contemplative practice like mindfulness. Parents can ensure that their teens have diverse opportunities to explore and engage with the world, then help them reflect on what they’ve learned about themselves. As researcher Cortland Dahl says, living with purpose “is actually what happens in between these memorable moments. It happens in the countless small steps we take every day. As we see in the lives of the most inspiring figures of human history… every moment is an opportunity.”

Remember that, while this stage isn’t easy, the impulse to pull away from parents is a normal and necessary part of adolescent development. The Child Mind Institute says, “Children still need parents to stay connected and involved in their lives… In fact, most teens say they want to be closer to their parents but don’t know how to do that. So while your kid is doing the work of separating, you need to do the work of carefully bridging the gap.” Here are our top six tips for keeping your connection strong through meaningful conversations with your teen:

1. Practice presence.

Busy lives, hectic schedules, and nonstop digital connectivity make it harder to really be there for our teens. And though it may not be obvious, teens are often more sensitive than younger children to their parents’ stress levels and moods. If you’re exhausted or preoccupied, your teen will be less likely to open up to you. If you’re relaxed and present, they’ll feel more comfortable sharing. Before talking with your teen, eliminate distractions and take a pause to get grounded with techniques like mindful breathing.

1. Respect their privacy. 

Part of teens’ developmental work is individuation, or carving out an identity that’s distinct from that of their parents. Most teens will become more private as a way to protect their new sense of individuality- for example, locking their bedroom door or keeping text messages hidden. While secretiveness can be scary, it’s not necessarily a sign that parents should worry. Remind your teen that your number one job as a parent is to keep them safe. Be clear that you respect their desire for privacy, specifically outline your concerns, and tell them exactly what information you need to maintain trust. Then work together to agree on ground rules that balance their safety and privacy.

1. Make time for your teen.

Take time to do something special, just the two of you, on a regular basis. Go out for dinner, go for a hike, or play pickleball- anything you both enjoy as a no-pressure way to have fun and connect. Make your time together sacred by clearing your calendar and turning off notifications on your phone. This lets your teen know they’re a priority and builds trust over time, so they feel comfortable sharing what matters most to them. If you’re starting a new ritual, aim to schedule it at least once a month. Ask your teen what they’d most like to do and then check in: “How would you feel about making this a regular thing?”

1. Get curious about their passions. 

How much do you really know about what lights your teen up inside? One of the best ways to start great conversations with teens is to express genuine interest in the things that are most meaningful to them. If they’re a gamer, have you played their favorite game with them? Do you listen to the music they love and talk about the lyrics? Have you checked out the graphic novels or webcomics they’re obsessed with? Get them to explain or teach you something about what they love, and ask lots of questions.

1. Ask interesting questions. 

Same-old questions like, “How was your day?” and “What did you do at practice?” are conversation dead-ends. Humor and silliness put teens at ease and make everyone feel more connected, which often leads to deeper conversations. Get out of the rut by asking fun, funny, or interesting questions when your teen least expects it. Pick out a family conversation card game like Quest Cards or Table Topics, or try one of the questions below:

• What’s your favorite memory from childhood and what makes it special?

• What’s something that surprised you or made you laugh recently?

• If your personality were a color, what color would it be and why?

1. Ask for their opinions and advice. 

One of the most rewarding aspects of parenting a teenager is catching a glimpse of the adult they are becoming. Parents who take teens’ newfound maturity into account are often surprised by how much wisdom they have to share. Ask your teen for their opinions and advice and involve them in making family decisions. Teens say that when parents are honest and transparent with them, they feel more connected in the relationship. And when teens feel respected and seen for who they are, they’re much more likely to open up and share from the heart.

1. Name and claim emotions.

In adolescence, big changes in teens’ brains, hormones, and social lives happen all at once. Teens really do experience emotions more intensely, and their prefrontal cortexes aren’t yet fully developed to help them balance their feelings with adult-level logic. Teaching them to label what they’re feeling is a powerful first step in dealing with conflict because it gives them time to pause and reflect. That helps them keep their cool and communicate from a place of self-awareness and self-responsibility.

2. Skip the silent treatment.

It’s not easy to be the one who brings up conflict, but teens need to know there’s no benefit in holding their emotions inside, sulking, or hoping a disagreement will just blow over. Teach them how to talk it out. Model a proactive approach by speaking up when the two of you are at odds. Let them know that taking steps to resolve conflict helps relationships get stronger, and that should always be the number one priority.

3. Focus on problems, not people.

Teens are often tempted to blame others for conflict: the mean teacher, selfish sibling, or catty friend. Help your teen learn to avoid attacking the person involved. Most conflict is not due to another person’s character flaws; instead, it’s about different perspectives or needs that don’t match up. Help your teen identify the problem and stay focused on finding a solution instead of making it about the other person’s character.

4. Use “I” statements.

Talking through a conflict when emotions are running high is hard at any age. Teens need to learn the foundational skill of using “I” statements like, “I feel angry” instead of “You make me angry,” or “I need some time to cool down” instead of “You need to leave me alone.” “I” statements help teens take responsibility for their own emotions and needs instead of blaming the other person and making the conflict worse.

5. Practice switching perspectives.

One of the most powerful skills teens can learn is how to look at a conflict from the other person’s point of view. Help your teen get in the habit by asking them 1) what they think the other person is feeling and 2) what they think the other person needs. Stepping into someone else’s shoes helps them build empathy.

6. Remember to breathe.

Teach teens how to regulate intense emotions with their breath. Diaphragmatic breathing is proven to help people stay calm in conflict. Box breathing– a simple 4-count inhale/exhale– is a powerful stress-reduction strategy that’s easy for teens to learn. And taking one deep, slow breath is a great way for teens to clear their minds and get grounded before they speak up.

7. Remember, it’s not about you.

One of the most difficult kinds of conflict is the kind that seems to come out of nowhere, like a bully who suddenly targets your teen or a stranger who makes an ugly comment about some aspect of their appearance. Let your teen know that often people who are hurting inside try to make themselves feel better by lashing out at others. Their actions are usually about their own struggles and not the people they lash out at.

8. Stay focused on the present.

Teach teens to keep the focus on resolving the current challenge and to avoid bringing up past issues or saying things like “You always…” or “You never…” Such statements reflect strong emotions instead of reality, and tend to make the conflict more confusing and difficult to deal with. Focus on fixing one problem at a time. And if the problem is a repeat issue, let them know they can reflect on it and decide what to do when they’re not feeling angry or defensive.

9. Be assertive.

Teens who are less sure of themselves may need to practice being more assertive and speaking with a more confident voice and body language. Teens who tend to be more aggressive may need help toning it down so they don’t intimidate or alienate others. Help teens assess their assertiveness by teaching them the three C’s of conflict resolution: Stay in the zone where you come across as calm, confident, and compassionate.

10. Know how to apologize.

Saying “I’m sorry” is a skill many people struggle all their lives to master, but when it comes to resolving conflict, nothing works like a sincere apology. Parents who are willing to apologize when they make a mistake set an example that teaches teens to do the same. Apologizing is an art form, but the best apologies don’t include “buts” or involve excuses. Nothing makes a bigger impact than simply stating, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry I hurt you.” 

Active listening is listening like you mean it: you’re completely present and open to what the other person is sharing, and they know you care about what they have to say. According to the Center for Parenting Education, “Active listening is a very sophisticated skill that can take years to master. Because you may not have been raised in a home in which this kind of listening was practiced and because very little of it occurs in our society, it can feel like you are learning a second language.” While active listening may be a challenge to master, it’s a real game-changer with teens. Here are five active listening skills you can put into practice today:

1. Make sure you’re “all ears.”

The single most powerful way to upgrade your listening skills is to practice being fully present. Life is busy, fast-paced, and full of distractions, and that makes it tough to tune in to our teens. But nothing says “I’m here for you” like focusing your full attention on your teen. When they’re talking to you, stop multitasking and try to eliminate distractions (put down your phone, silence notifications, or turn off the car radio). Notice if you’re thinking about the past, the future, or your to-do list. If you’re feeling scattered, take a few slow, deep breaths and bring your attention back to the present moment.

2. Pay attention to your body language.

Body language says a lot about how well we’re listening. When your teen is talking, turn toward them and lean in slightly. Smile, nod, and mirror their facial expressions to let them know you empathize. Most teens appreciate eye contact, but if they’re feeling shy or sharing a sensitive subject, they may prefer to be side-by-side. (Lots of parents have great talks with teens while driving.) A pat on the back or a gentle arm squeeze also feels good to teens who like physical affection.

3. Try not to interrupt or give advice (until they ask for it).

Parents have a lot more life experience than kids, and we’d do anything to protect them from the pain of misjudgments and mistakes. It’s common for parents to listen until we think we get the gist and then step in with our own ideas, but that can leave teens feeling unheard. Try to just listen until your teen is done talking, and wait a little longer than usual before you speak up. If they don’t ask for your perspective, you can say, “I have an idea about that if you’re open to hearing it.” With active listening, you don’t have to have all the answers. Think of it like teaching your teen to drive: you can sit beside them and offer support, but they’re the one who steers.

4. Reflect back what you’re hearing.

Another active listening upgrade is to paraphrase what your teen tells you and repeat it back to them. This can feel awkward at first, but it lets teens know you really get what they’re saying – or gives them a chance to clarify. For example, if your teen says, “I hate Olivia! She told everybody I got a C on the test and I feel so stupid,” you can reflect back: “You must feel embarrassed and angry that she shared information you wanted to keep private. It’s hard when a friend lets you down like that.”

5. Ask the right kind of questions.

Make sure your questions are non-judgmental and clarifying. Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than a question that sounds like criticism: What were you thinking?! Clarifying questions seek a better understanding of the message your teen wants to get across. You might ask them to clarify facts about what happened or say more about how they feel. By avoiding the feeling of judgment, clarifying questions give teens an opportunity to self-reflect, see the situation in a new light, and think about possible next steps. Clarifying questions gently guide teens toward deeper understanding and self-awareness while keeping their sense of autonomy intact.

Practicing these five skills lets your teen know that you care about them, respect them, and value what they have to say, so they’re more likely to listen when it’s your turn to talk. And best of all, active listening will deepen your teen’s trust in you, ensuring that you’re the one they turn to when they need a listening ear or a helping hand.