Lucero’s wellness app is designed to make the journey of self-discovery easy and fun,  because self-discovery creates confidence, maintains mental health, and leads to lifelong well-being. Here are four key ways self-discovery guides tweens and teens towards confidence:

1. Self-discovery strengthens their capacity for self-care.

Learning how to take care of themselves mentally, physically and emotionally is a big part of tweens and teens becoming independent young adults. Self-care requires figuring out what they need to maintain their own well-being, manage stress, and find balance. As they come to value their uniqueness, adolescents get more skilled at identifying their own needs and understanding how their needs may differ from those of other people. Increased confidence also helps tweens and teens get comfortable meeting their own needs and asking others for support.

2. Self-discovery supports self-regulation.

Lucero’s model draws from the research of Albert Bandura, who found that people learn to change their behavior, in part, through self-reflection. Reflecting on feelings and how they affect behavior begins with naming emotions, a strategy Dan Siegel calls “Name it to tame it.” Neuroimaging research shows that labeling an emotion reduces activity in the amygdala, an area of the brain responsible for processing emotions. As tweens and teens get better at managing their emotions, they learn that they have control of their emotional state, which leads to more confidence.

3. Self-discovery helps them make better decisions.

The prefrontal cortex– responsible for self-control, impulse regulation, and other executive functioning skills– is still developing in teens. At the same time, increased hormones fire up the brain’s pleasure-seeking mesolimbic system. This Dual Systems Model explains why tweens and teens often struggle with making wise decisions. Self-discovery helps them make decisions based on their own beliefs, values, and goals instead of looking to others for answers. Anchored in self-awareness, a confident adolescent is less likely to just “go along with the crowd” or take a risk that jeopardizes their physical or emotional safety. And practice making decisions expands tweens’ and teens’ capacity for responsibility and confidence.

4. Self-discovery leads to a sense of purpose.

“The biggest problem growing up today is not stress, it’s meaninglessness,” says Stanford School of Education professor and psychologist William Damon. “We all need a purpose, but at that formative period of life, when you don’t even know who you are, you really need it.” Damon defines purpose as a goal that’s both “meaningful to the self and consequential to the world beyond the self.” Thus, self-discovery and purpose are intrinsically linked. When tweens and teens have opportunities to explore their curiosities, talents, and passions, they’re more likely to find activities and connections that give them a sense of purpose and build their confidence.

Lucero helps adolescents engage in self-discovery with gamified, bite-sized tools to explore their inner and outer worlds, created by licensed clinical therapists and a team of youth advisors. Our approach to self-discovery makes it easy for tweens and teens to develop self-awareness and learn emotional regulation skills, growing their confidence with each and every step.

Lucero’s wellness app is designed to make the journey of self-discovery easy and fun,  because self-discovery creates confidence, maintains mental health, and leads to lifelong well-being. Here are four key ways self-discovery guides tweens and teens towards confidence:

1. Self-discovery strengthens their capacity for self-care.

Learning how to take care of themselves mentally, physically and emotionally is a big part of tweens and teens becoming independent young adults. Self-care requires figuring out what they need to maintain their own well-being, manage stress, and find balance. As they come to value their uniqueness, adolescents get more skilled at identifying their own needs and understanding how their needs may differ from those of other people. Increased confidence also helps tweens and teens get comfortable meeting their own needs and asking others for support.

2. Self-discovery supports self-regulation.

Lucero’s model draws from the research of Albert Bandura, who found that people learn to change their behavior, in part, through self-reflection. Reflecting on feelings and how they affect behavior begins with naming emotions, a strategy Dan Siegel calls “Name it to tame it.” Neuroimaging research shows that labeling an emotion reduces activity in the amygdala, an area of the brain responsible for processing emotions. As tweens and teens get better at managing their emotions, they learn that they have control of their emotional state, which leads to more confidence.

3. Self-discovery helps them make better decisions.

The prefrontal cortex – responsible for self-control, impulse regulation, and other executive functioning skills – is still developing in teens. At the same time, increased hormones fire up the brain’s pleasure-seeking mesolimbic system. This Dual Systems Model explains why tweens and teens often struggle with making wise decisions. Self-discovery helps them make decisions based on their own beliefs, values, and goals instead of looking to others for answers. Anchored in self-awareness, a confident adolescent is less likely to just “go along with the crowd” or take a risk that jeopardizes their physical or emotional safety. And practice making decisions expands tweens’ and teens’ capacity for responsibility and confidence.

4. Self-discovery leads to a sense of purpose.

“The biggest problem growing up today is not stress, it’s meaninglessness,” says Stanford School of Education professor and psychologist William Damon. “We all need a purpose, but at that formative period of life, when you don’t even know who you are, you really need it.” Damon defines purpose as a goal that’s both “meaningful to the self and consequential to the world beyond the self.” Thus, self-discovery and purpose are intrinsically linked. When tweens and teens have opportunities to explore their curiosities, talents, and passions, they’re more likely to find activities and connections that give them a sense of purpose and build their confidence.

Lucero helps adolescents engage in self-discovery with gamified, bite-sized tools to explore their inner and outer worlds, created by licensed clinical therapists and a team of youth advisors. Our approach to self-discovery makes it easy for tweens and teens to develop self-awareness and learn emotional regulation skills, growing their confidence with each and every step.

1. Foster a spirit of adventure.

Self-discovery is a creative process, and, like all creative work, it can be messy. Tweens and teens experiment by trying on identities, interests, and groups until they figure out what fits. They may proclaim that they’re passionate about something today and hate it tomorrow: One mom we know bought her 13-year-old a ukulele that she’d begged for for months, only to find it two weeks later under a pile of laundry. If you have a tween or teen in your life, you’re probably not surprised. Just remember that new experiences are how adolescents gather information about themselves and the world. When the adults who love them celebrate exploration as part of the adventure of growing up, tweens and teens feel safe expressing themselves.

2. Dial down the pressure.

Adolescents today face unprecedented pressure, according to a 2021 report by the U.S. Surgeon General, and it’s a contributing factor in skyrocketing rates of depression, anxiety and self-harm. Parents and caregivers should know that self-discovery can’t be rushed. Tweens and teens need time to master different developmental milestones, and everyone matures at their own pace. Keep the focus on providing opportunities balanced by safety and clear expectations, and ensuring that they have plenty of freedom to explore within age-appropriate limits.

3. Keep brain development in mind.

Tweens and teens are neurologically wired to take risks and seek out novel experiences, and they’re still learning critical self-regulation skills. Adolescence lasts until the mid-twenties when the prefrontal cortex reaches maturity, according to Sarah Jayne Blakemore, PhD. That part of the brain is responsible for reasoning, planning, prioritizing, and impulse control. Lucero’s approach is to gamify the journey of self-discovery and integrate self-regulation skills at every step. It keeps self-discovery fun and engaging, while making it easy to build lasting healthy habits for self-care.

4. Encourage them to ask questions and be curious.

We live in a world where opinions are often presented as facts, especially on social media. Tweens and teens are especially vulnerable to such influences because their identities are shaped as they process new information, experiences, feelings and beliefs. Relationships with friends and family help them stay grounded and make sense of all the incoming information. Encourage self-reflection by inviting them to ask questions and be curious, talking with them about their feelings and thoughts, and sharing reflective practices like journaling and mindfulness.

5. Make it safe to say “no.”

One often-neglected aspect of self-discovery is the skill of setting boundaries. “Personal boundaries are important because you set basic guidelines of how you want to be treated,” says Dr. Tracy Hutchinson. “It is your job to teach (others) about your boundaries for your own mental health and wellness.” Parents and caregivers can help tweens and teens get comfortable saying “no” and protecting their developing sense of self. As adolescents explore the world, knowing that they’re in charge of their boundaries helps them advocate for themselves with confidence.

Want more self-discovery support for your tween or teen? Lucero helps adolescents  build a strong sense of self with fun, engaging tools to explore their inner and outer worlds. All our content is created by licensed clinical therapists and a team of youth advisors. Our gamified, bite-sized approach to self-discovery makes it easy for tweens and teens to develop self-awareness and learn emotional regulation skills, all while strengthening their network of real-life relationships.

For parents and caregivers of tweens and teens, it’s especially important to understand the causes of the loneliness epidemic and how to address it. According to a 2018 global study, young people reported the highest levels of loneliness of any age group, and having supportive relationships is the most significant contributor to adolescent mental health and overall well-being. Why are loneliness rates going up? Here’s what we discovered and what it means for tweens, teens and families:

1. Social isolation is increasing.

Over the two decades between 2003 and 2020, time spent alone increased by about 24 hours per month for all age groups. For people between the ages of  15-24, time spent with friends decreased by nearly 70 percent, from 30 hours a month to just 10 hours. Today’s adolescents are spending a lot more time alone than their parents did, and feeling more lonely as a result.

2. Social networks are shrinking.

Compared to a generation or two ago, families are smaller, busier, move from place to place more often, and live further apart. That means less time spent with extended family, friends, neighbors, and people we interact with around the communities we live in. Studies also show that participation in civic, service, recreational, and religious organizations is in decline. That means less interaction with people who share common interests, values, and goals.

3. We have fewer close friends. Among people who don’t report feelings of loneliness, 90% have three or more confidants. Research shows that close friendships protect tweens and teens’ mental and physical health and increase resilience well into adulthood. But in 2021, 49% of Americans said they have three or fewer close friends, a number that’s nearly doubled since 1990.

4. Trust levels are lower. In 1975, 45% of Americans felt they could reliably trust each other. In 2016, that percentage had shrunk to 30%. Lower levels of trust correspond to near-historic rates of polarization. Polarization and mistrust may  affect tweens and teens even more than adults, because the adolescent brain is not yet adept at processing trauma and anxiety.

What can we do about loneliness? 

It can be helpful to remember that we’re all in this together: The issues leading to loneliness affect everyone in our society to some degree. Understanding that you’re not the only one dealing with loneliness can make it easier to reach out. And families can take steps to alleviate loneliness, like practicing emotional self-care, cultivating social connections, and building meaningful relationships. Here are three key places to start:

1. Learn emotional regulation skills.

Practice “naming and claiming” feelings. Learn strategies to manage difficult emotions like loneliness. Know when to reach out for help. Lucero’s wellness app offers a gamified approach to self-care that supports emotional regulation and nurtures real-world relationships, with content that’s co-created by licensed therapists and youth.

2. Cultivate community together.

Tweens and teens benefit from a diverse network of relationships with family, friends, neighbors, and community members. And guess what? So do you! Every supportive relationship makes your family’s sense of belonging more resilient. How can you and your teen grow supportive relationships as a family? Brainstorm easy, fun ways to connect with others, like starting a block party, volunteering, or joining an intramural sports team together.

3. Take it offline.

While it’s normal to seek connection online, social media is no substitute for IRL relationships. In fact, some studies show that increased social media use correlates with higher rates of loneliness. In-person connections are best for learning critical social skills and establishing a steady source of support, so encourage your teen to put down their device and reach out for real-world connection, too.

Making friends with vulnerability is a lifelong lesson, and it’s never too early to start. Here are our five top tips for helping teens develop this secret strength:

1. Acknowledge that teens are already brave just for being where they are.

Feeling vulnerable is tough at any age, but it\’s extra challenging for teens. Parents sometimes forget that teens are still in the early stages of building their neurological, psychological, and social foundations. All of a sudden, they’re figuring out their identities, navigating more complex relationships, and feeling a wider range of emotions than ever before. All those inner and outer changes mean that adolescence is already a vulnerable time. When parents acknowledge that, the support helps teens feel a bit braver trying new things, making mistakes, and opening up.

2. Teach them that their worth and worthiness are innate. 

A sense of belonging is incredibly important to teens, and that includes feelings of safely belonging with their family, friends, peers, and community. Since vulnerability often brings the possibility of judgment from others, stepping out of their comfort zone in any of these relationships can feel scary. Emphasize to your teen that their worth – and their worthiness to belong – can’t be taken away, no matter what they do, think, or say. If they know what unconditional love and acceptance feels at home, they’re more likely to form healthy relationships with people who embrace their whole selves.

3. Make emotional vulnerability a family value.

All teens can struggle with vulnerability, but studies show that boys have an especially hard time. In a recent survey from Plan International, a third of boys said they think society expects them to hide or suppress their feelings when they feel sad or scared. Another third said society expects them “to be strong, tough, ‘be a man,’ and ‘suck it up.’” Perhaps more alarmingly, 41% of boys said that when they feel angry, they are expected to be aggressive or react violently. Parents play a huge role in modeling and welcoming emotional openness. Helping teens learn to “name and claim” their emotions can teach them that all emotions are valuable, even the uncomfortable ones. Let them know that you appreciate it when they express their feelings, and build trust by sharing your feelings with them, too.

4. Praise and reward teens more for effort than for winning.

Naturally, parents feel a special sweetness when their hardworking teen aces an essay contest or crosses the finish line first. It’s great to celebrate their victories, but a lot of teens’ courage to be vulnerable comes from less triumphant moments. Acknowledge them for working hard, taking risks, making wise choices, being a team player, and helping others, too. Be especially aware of times when they put themselves out there and don’t meet with success, since that’s when they’re likely to feel vulnerable. One dad takes his two daughters out to “celebrate courage” whenever they’ve stretched themselves, whether or not there’s a win involved. See our post on Growth-Mindset Parenting for more ideas.

5. Teach them about the perils of perfectionism.

High-achieving teens often demonstrate perfectionist tendencies, but studies show that perfectionism harms much more than it helps. Dr. Brown’s research found perfectionism to be “correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities.” The more teens measure their identity and worth by their achievements, the more they’ll struggle with vulnerability. If you notice your teen holding themselves to an unattainable standard, remind them that they are worth far more than their accomplishments. Help them figure out what goals matter most to them and why they are motivated to work hard. According to Brown, “healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think?”

Vulnerability is all about the soft side of being human. Sometimes that feels like fear or shame, but it can also feel like love, compassion, and courage. Learning to lean into their uncomfortable emotions helps teens make an ally of vulnerability. Then they begin to see themselves as imperfect but whole and deserving of belonging – just like everyone else.

1. Problem-solving Skills

How do you read a subway map? Communicate in a language you’ve only practiced on Duolingo? Do laundry while backpacking? By exposing teens to unfamiliar situations, travel stretches their cognitive flexibility. The right kind of travel provides some support and supervision – like an itinerary and a local host – but also gives teens independence to explore and figure a few things out for themselves. Troubleshooting and navigating unfamiliar circumstances builds confidence and creativity. Lots of parents report that teens return from trips suddenly seeming more mature, responsible and capable: definitely a win-win.

2. Executive Functioning Skills

During the teen years, the brain undergoes explosive growth in the executive neural network. The skills governed by this area include planning, organization, time management, focus, and self-regulation of emotions and impulses. While teens vary in the pace of development, carefully tailored travel experiences can boost these critical skills. If your teen wants to travel, take advantage of their motivation and involve them in planning the trip. Decide on tasks they can be responsible for, like creating a packing list or day trip itinerary. Fundraising and saving money for a trip also develops their executive functioning skills.

3. Resilience & Self-Confidence

According to Merriam-Webster, resilience is an ability to recover from or adjust easily to change. Researchers at the University of Melbourne say that teen resilience comes from a combination of social skills, optimism, purpose, an attachment to family and learning, problem-solving and coping skills, and a positive self-image. Travel allows teens to uplevel each of these skill sets as they learn to adapt to change. To help your teen cultivate resilience, plan a trip that keeps them safe but takes them a little out of their comfort zone. Encourage them to stretch themselves and take on slightly scary experiences, even if it’s just a week without Wi-Fi. After a little discomfort, they’ll quickly discover just how much they are capable of.

4. Empathy & Cultural Awareness

Travel opens up the world, exposing teens to worldviews and ways of life that are different from the ones they grew up in. When traveling, teens from privileged backgrounds may feel more gratitude for their blessings, and teens with a background of struggle can reach beyond their everyday reality. Meaningful interactions with people who experience the world differently build empathy and give teens first-hand appreciation for diversity. Look for trips that emphasize relationship-building and volunteering, like service-learning projects or cultural exchange programs, and make sure your teen has time to spend time with locals in addition to seeing the sights.

5. Purpose

According to Anthony L. Burrow of Cornell University, “purpose is a forward-looking directionality, an intention to do something in the world.” It’s a major predictor of long-term health and happiness for teens. “We are confronted with the ups and downs of life, but purpose is an active ingredient that helps us stay stable,” says Burrow. Travel helps teens develop a sense of purpose by sparking their curiosity and passion and showing them how they can make a difference. Transformative travel experiences often provide direction and shape teens’ lives in profound ways. To help your teen find a sense of purpose in travel, make sure their trip allows them to explore something meaningful, like their heritage, a career they’re interested in, or a cause they’re passionate about. And when they get back home, support them in taking what they’ve learned to the next level.

1. Build a strong relationship with themselves.

Teens with high self-esteem have more positive relationships, and positive relationships lead to better self-esteem. Self-esteem often takes a hit during adolescence when physical, neurological, psychological and social changes combine with increased stress and responsibility. Healthy habits that boost teens’ connection with themselves include self-reflection, self-care, journaling, positive self-talk, and getting clear about personal values and goals. Encourage your teen to think about what it means to be their own best friend– how do you talk to someone you love and care about? What would you do if that person were having a hard time? Teens who love themselves have a built-in model of a supportive relationship, so they know they deserve a high level of care and respect from others.

2. Ramp up resilience.

Healthy habits help teens build a tool-kit of coping skills to deal with stress and regulate their emotions. Each tool increases their resilience, or the ability to bounce back from and overcome adversity. According to researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown, the five most common factors of resilient people include:

• They are resourceful and have skills to solve problems.
• They are more likely to seek help.
• They believe that they can do something to manage their feelings and cope.
• They have social support.
• They are connected with others.

3. Define their \”Framily.\”

According to the Urban Dictionary, a framily includes “friends or blood relatives to whom we would actually choose to be related, because the relationship is mutually respectful, close, supporting and affectionate.” Defining their framily helps teens reframe their support systems to include all the important relationships that don’t necessarily fit into traditional roles, like their mom’s best friend who’s more like an aunt, or a youth group leader or neighbor who always looks out for them. Take some time with your teen to map out your own framily members and highlight any relationships you want to strengthen. Let those people know that they’re a part of your teen’s tribe, then plan ways that you and your teen can deepen the most important connections.

4. Get serious about radical support.

At Lucero, we define framily as any combination of youth and adults who want to radically support each other. Who are the people your teen can rely on for radical support? Those are the relationships that belong in your teen’s inner circle. Radical support means different things to different people, but some key questions your teen can ask themselves include:

• Can I be my most authentic self around this person? Do they like and love me even when I’m feeling sad, silly, vulnerable, etc.?
• Can I trust this person? Do I know they will respect my boundaries and keep what I say confidential? Are they honest with me?
• Would I feel comfortable asking this person for help or support?
• How does this person handle conflict when it comes up? Can we get along even when we disagree?
• Is our relationship equally important to both of us?

To help your teen learn connection-boosting healthy habits like these, download Lucero. It’s a gamified wellness app that builds emotional regulation skills and self-care habits in just a few minutes a day. Lucero is the most fun and engaging way for teens to gain healthy habits with bite-sized content co-created by experts and tweens and teens themselves.

Here are four things you need to know about helping teens build strong connections:

1. Parents and caregivers are at the heart of it…

Even as they become more independent, teens need the adults in their lives to provide love, security and stability. Caring for a teenager isn’t always easy, but researchers at Penn State found that keeping a strong connection through adolescence makes parent-child relationships even closer when children reach adulthood. “Our research showed that parenting can change a lot during the teenage years: parents often express less warmth and affection, spend less time with their teens, and become more harsh in their discipline,” says Greg Fosco, PhD, professor of human development and family studies and co-principal investigator on the study. “Parents that were able to maintain positive parenting and involvement laid the foundation for a close relationship when their teens became adults.”

2. …but you may need to connect differently than before.

Researchers also agree that since teens are wired to seek more independence and autonomy, they may push back against some of the ways you connected with them when they were younger. Fosco suggests doing things together like playing sports, going out for a meal, gaming or cooking: activities you both enjoy and that you can build into your family’s routines. He also stresses the importance of warmth and affection: “This is a great reminder to say the important things in life, such as ‘I love you’ or ‘I care about you,’ or physical expressions such as a hug or a pat on the back.” Regardless of what you do together or how busy you are, make sure your teen knows they always come first and that family time is sacred. When you set that example, they’re more likely to follow your lead.

3. Friendships with peers set the stage for success.

There’s a good reason tweens and teens are so focused on friendships: They’re wired to connect with their peers because those relationships have historically ensured humans’ survival. “…Young people are learning how to manage relationships that are going to ultimately determine how they fare for the rest of their lives, and they sense that in their bones,” says Joseph Allen, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia. So rather than being silly, teen friendships set the stage for success. Teens are figuring out necessary social skills like caring for others, cooperating, compromising and resolving conflict. The more practice they get connecting with others as teens, the better at it they’ll be in adulthood.

4. Online connections can provide safe spaces, too.

Lots of attention goes to the negative effects of social media and digital devices, but it’s important to remember that there are safe spaces for teens to connect online, too. Online communities are havens for LGBTQIA+ teens, teens with a disability and teens with social anxiety, among many others. In a recent Pew Research Center survey, 80% of teens said social media helps them stay more connected to what’s going on in their friends’ lives, 67% percent said it makes them feel like they have people who can support them through tough times, and 58% said it makes them feel more accepted.

… and here are ways to engage with your Crew

Lucero has created a safe space for teens and tweens to just be themselves and connect with others who radically support them. Teens captain a Crew by inviting up to seven friends and family members to join them on their self-care journey. Crew members cheer each other on, support each other on the hard days and always apologize if their actions or words hurt someone’s feelings. It’s a great way to spark meaningful conversations, check in with each other and give your teen a positive place to strengthen their capacity to connect.

The teen years are all about self-discovery, and sometimes teens struggle to figure out who they are and what they’re good at. Parents can support teens by helping them identify the qualities, skills, and passions that make them unique. Here are four ways you can encourage your teen to discover their own personal superpowers:

1. Help them see the qualities they might not notice in themselves.

Superpowers can be overlooked because they’re often things we do well without having to try. Even if your child is a math mastermind or a musical prodigy, they may downplay what comes naturally to them. Teens may not think of things like being a good friend or making people laugh as valuable skills. And some abilities – like the gift of gab or a wild imagination – may even get them in trouble from time to time. You know your teen better than anyone, so you can help them see their unique qualities as the superpowers they are. Take note of what comes naturally to them and let them know how special it makes them in your eyes. Give them opportunities to showcase their talents and celebrate their successes. And be sure to point out the superhero traits they may not see in themselves, like compassion, kindness, and creativity. That lets them know they’re super for who they are, not just what they do.

2. Give them opportunities to step out of their comfort zone.

Picture three concentric circles. The middle circle is the Comfort Zone, the place where you can always wear your favorite fuzzy slippers and feel zero anxiety. Just outside of the Comfort Zone is the Learning Zone. Here you’ll encounter some risk and discomfort, but it’s also where you develop new skills and abilities and learn to solve problems. Beyond the Learning Zone is the Growth Zone, where you find your purpose and live your dreams. Help your teen find their superpowers by encouraging them to be brave and step out of their comfort zone. Make courage a family value. Let your teen see you challenge yourself, take risks, and make mistakes. Support each other in learning new things and setting goals. Praise your teen when you see them challenging themselves, whether or not it leads to awards and achievement. Each time they step into the Learning Zone, they’re expanding their superpowers.

3. Be of service together.

Superheroes discover their powers by helping others, and so can your teen. Volunteering gives teens opportunities to develop skills, explore interests, overcome real-world challenges, and make a difference in the lives of others. Many teens find lifelong passions while volunteering, and teens who volunteer have higher self-esteem, empathy, and academic achievement. According to the United Way, young people with at least one parent who volunteers are almost twice as likely to volunteer themselves. How can you start volunteering with your teen? Let them take the lead. Ask them if there’s a cause they’re curious about or an organization they want to support. A few of our favorites: Gamer’s Outreach volunteers play video games with hospitalized kids, and Pet Partners trains teens to provide pet therapy with their family pet. There’s a volunteer opportunity for just about every interest.

4. Encourage them to develop a growth mindset.

From Avengers to X-Men, everybody loves superhero stories. Ever wonder why these modern myths are so enduring? Almost all superheroes start with loss or struggle. Heroes must ask themselves, “Can I really do this?” and endure self-doubt before rising to the challenge. Through struggle, heroes become who they are meant to be. Seeing life as a hero’s journey can help your teen develop a growth mindset: the belief that they can improve their abilities with dedication and hard work. Recent research shows that teens with a growth mindset have less fear of failure, higher self-efficacy and motivation, and better overall well-being. Talk to your teen about how setbacks can lead to new opportunities and struggles can build strength. Let them know that they might not always be able to choose their circumstances, but they can always decide how to respond. Teach them to look for the lesson when they make mistakes, and that, as Winston Churchill famously said, “Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”

The teen years are full of opportunities for exploring, expanding and experiencing one’s superpowers. Parents can support these discoveries by encouraging and supporting teens as they embrace their identity and use their superpowers to make the world a better place. 

But if we want to move beyond inspiration, we have to dig a little deeper to help our teens learn how to turn failure around–the practical steps that turn a loss into a win. Here, we outline five questions parents can ask to guide teens through a perceived failure and find success on the other side.

1. How are you feeling? The more we care about something, the worse we’re likely to feel when our attempts to succeed fall flat. It’s important for teens to know their feelings are valid, and that it’s ok to feel sad, embarrassed, sorry for themselves, or however they feel after a setback. As parents, we can support our kids’ whole spectrum of emotions and help them work through their emotions instead of getting stuck feeling down. Talking about an upset – when they’re ready – can help teens process disappointment and reframe it as a growth opportunity. Mindfulness, movement, and journaling also help teens feel their feelings and put things in perspective.

2. What’s your “why”? Because kids are immersed in a competitive culture, it’s easy for them to forget that it’s not all about winning top scores or trophies. They can also be motivated by learning and mastering new skills, teamwork, self-awareness, self-expression, curiosity, friendship, and fun. Ask questions like, “What do you love about being on the softball team even when you lose a game? What’s the most fun thing about robotics/coding/orchestra? What skill that you’ve learned makes you proud? What else are you excited to experience?” Knowing their “why” helps teens redefine success to include all the benefits, so even when they lose, they win.

3. Is it time to quit? We all know the old expression: Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But sometimes, quitting is the right choice. For all the famous folks who persisted their way to achievement, there’s another example of someone who found success after quitting. Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg both dropped out of Harvard. Vera Wang quit earlier careers as a figure skater and editor before becoming a fashion designer. As teens explore, experiment, and discover their skills and passions, they’re likely to encounter a few activities that aren’t aligned with their emerging identity or goals. Parents can support them when they decide it’s the right time to let go. It’s not failure to quit something if it’s just not a good fit.

4. What’s the lesson in this? Rhianna, another icon who overcame early setbacks, inked a reverse-reminder on her right shoulder, so she can read it when she looks in the mirror. The tattoo reads, “Never a failure, always a lesson.” One of the most powerful perspectives we can share with our kids is that failure is feedback. Every experience is valuable because it helps us learn, and we often learn more from mistakes than we do from triumphs. We can help our teens identify and be proud of what they have learned. They’re learning who they are, what matters most to them, and what their version of success looks like.

5. What’s next, and how can I support you? After taking some time to integrate their emotions and lessons from loss, teens have a choice to make: how do they want to move forward? Teens are just beginning to take on more responsibility and commitments, so dealing with disappointment can be a defining moment. The most important message parents can send at this stage is, “I have faith in you and your choices, and I’m here to support you.” Instead of trying to fix their problems or push them to do what we think is best, we can take a deep breath, step back, and let them lead the way.

Famous failures teach us a powerful lesson: little losses often add up to big wins. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “(People) succeed when they realize that their failures are preparation for their victories.” With the right kind of guidance and support, teens can learn how to find resilience in the face of failure and turn their setbacks into long-term success.